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Promises in the Dark

Page 115

by Ashley Elizabeth

But he doesn’t say anything.

He just waits.

And waits.

Giving me the time I need until I’m ready to say…

“I can’t get pregnant,” I admit softly, my arms wrapping around myself. The confession sends a fresh wave of tears free. I’ve never said this out loud before, and hearing it leaves an unbearable ache in my chest. “When I was a little girl, all I dreamed of being was a mom. Not a rock star, or a doctor, or a veterinarian.” I wipe my damp cheek with the back of my hand. “And maybe that was silly, or outdated, but I wanted the white picket fence life. The husband. And kids. At least two. Maybe three.” I shake my head. Such wishful thinking at the time. “I wanted to have my own family to experience the kind of love I only saw on TV or read about in books. The kind of love I never… I never experienced for myself.” I drop my gaze, remembering all the no-shows at school pickups. All the meals I ate alone. All the nights holed up in my bedroom wondering what I did wrong for no one to love me. Always alone. “But that is one dream that will never come true for me because I can’t conceive.”

I swallow hard and step toward the wall of roses, leaning forward as I breathe in their scent. “My responsibility as Garrett’s wife was to give him an heir. But after three years of fucking me with no result, he had had enough.” I worry my lip between my teeth. “You had asked me why Garrett wanted to sell me off, and that’s why. That’s the truth.” I shrug as if it doesn’t bother me, but I don’t know who I’m trying to fool. Probably myself since nothing seems to get by Alex. “He never knew this, but about a year after our marriage, I went to a doctor’s office in the city to have some testing done, and they informed me…” I suck in a lungful of air, my fingers tightening into a fist by my side as I try to find the courage to confess everything.

I can do this.

Alex won’t hurt me when I reveal the truth.

He’s not Garrett.

“They informed me that I have premature ovarian insufficiency.” I can still hear the doctor’s voice in my head: “Your ovarian reserve is critically low. The chances of a natural pregnancy are extremely small. Practically impossible.” I hug myself, my whole body trembling. “Which means my chances of conceiving are almost nonexistent.” I let out a breath. “Garrett loved to put me down every time I’d take a pregnancy test and it came back negative. He’d punish me for days, sometimes weeks. The night of the governor’s dinner, he made me take one, and after I told him it was negative, he hit me, which is why I ran into the bathroom.”

The energy in the room shifts, a darkness swirling behind me. I can feel Alex’s wrath, but I know it’s not aimed at me, so I keep going. Keep letting everything finally out into the open between us.

“Sometimes, I’d catch myself believing his words. That I really was a disappointment. A sorry excuse for a woman. So I knew if he found out about my diagnosis, he’d punish me and then get rid of me on the spot to someone worse than him.” I let out a defeated laugh. “I know the monsters that he plays with, and I would never survive them. So I endured. I did what I could to live until I knew all of my options had run out. And on that day on the boat when I jumped, I did it because I knew I had no choice.”

I steel my spine and finally turn to look into Alex’s eyes.

But the moment I do, I break, because saying everything out loud has made it all real.

“I’m so happy for every woman out there who has the chance to be a mom, but…” I sniffle, wiping my eyes. “But it kills me to know that will never be me.”

In one second, he fills the space between us, wrapping his arms around me as if shielding me from everyone and everything. I press my face into his chest, my tears soaking through his shirt. My fingers curl into the fabric, anchoring myself to him as I unravel in his hold. Breaking apart for the first time with someone to hold me through it.

“I’ve got you,” he whispers, brushing his lips against the top of my head. His hold tightens around me, his strength grounding me as tremors crash relentlessly through me. “I’ve got you, and I’m not letting go. So let it out, Fiorellina. It’s time to let it all out.”

And I do.

For minutes or hours, I’m not entirely sure, he holds me as I let out every ounce of sadness I’ve held inside for the loss of the life I’ll never have. He holds me until my tears have run dry. Until my sobs have drifted away.

Eventually, he pulls back, his eyes on me as he raises his hand to brush his thumb under each of my eyes. “I’m a man, so I’m not going to pretend to understand the pain you’re feeling. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you everything will be okay. But what I will say is…” He takes a deep breath. “You said your dream is to be a mom and that can never be, but the whole time you’ve been here, I have witnessed you be nothing short of a mother to Clara in every sense of the word.”

Just when I thought I had nothing left to let out, more tears appear, streaming down my cheeks like continuous rivers.

“That little girl lights up the moment you enter a room because she knows you’re going to love her and keep her safe.” His eyes soften. “And because she loves you with her whole little heart.”

I press my face into his shirt. “I love her so much.”

“I know you do.” He slips a hand around my jaw, lifting my face until our eyes meet. “She’s filling a hole in your heart that has been there for too goddamn long.” He brushes my hair back, kissing my temple. “Your chances of conceiving naturally might be challenging, but not impossible. And I’ll try with you every damn day if that’s what you want. And if that’s not what you want, we can adopt. Or look into surrogacy. IVF. Whatever you want, I’ll make it happen for you.”

I roll in my bottom lip, a rush of emotions swirling through me. “Why would you do that for me?”

He leans down, pressing his lips to mine in a tender kiss that eases the pain inside me. Pulling back only slightly, he says, “Because I’m in love with you.” My heart hammers beneath my rib cage. “Have been since the moment I sat on the bathroom floor wondering what infectious disease I would be catching just to talk to you.”

I let out a chuckle, remembering that day like it was yesterday. It was the first day in my life I felt hope flicker through me. The first day I saw a man as a hero instead of a villain.

“I want to spend the rest of my days waking up beside you,” he says. “I want to travel the world with you, take you anywhere on the damn map your heart wants to see. And I want you to be the mother that Clara deserves.” The corners of his lips lift, his head tilting to the side as he stares down at me. “But only if that’s what you want.”

I choke back a sob. “Alex…” I swallow down my nerves, holding on to him with all the strength I possess. “I don’t know what to say. I never…” I rub my forehead against his chest, inhaling deeply. “I never let myself envision this dream because it seemed too far out of reach. But you and Clara have given me everything and more I could have ever wanted out of life.” I look up. “I want it all with you, and I don’t want to spend another day on this earth without you two.” I blink away my tears so I can see him clearly when I say, “I love you.”

His lips crash against mine, his hands gripping me, pulling me against him. I stand on my tiptoes, sliding my arms around his neck, tugging him toward me.