Page 76

“I guess.”

“Just talk to him.”

“I’ll think about it,” I promise her.

* * * *

I’m fucking miserable. More miserable than when I left Ryan and I was this broken shell of a girl, more miserable than all the days I spent terrified that some misstep on my part would cause another blow-up and leave me bruised again. Why am I doing this to myself? What’s the point? Am I really going to let my fear take Nix away from me?

I want to call him. Pick up that phone and dial his number. I want to hear his deep voice in my ear, sending chills down my spine. I want to hear him call me “baby” and revel in the high that it gives me. He swooped into my life at the worst time possible. He took the shattered pieces that were left of me and he put them back together, put me back together, but it’s not enough.

I want more.

I need more. What the hell is wrong with me? The fear doesn’t stop me from knowing what I want; it just stops me from having it. I know he’s waiting to hear from me because he’s been by the apartment four times in the past two days.

Just pick up the damn phone, Emma.

My gaze drops to the coffee table where my phone sits silent and like a sign from the gods, it starts ringing, Nix’s face popping up on the screen. I suck in a breath as I stare at the handsome photo of him that I snapped at the LSU game. He’s grinning at me, his entire face lit up with so much happiness that I can’t help but smile every time I look at it.

“Answer the phone, Emma,” I whisper, my scolding voice the only sound in my empty apartment besides the ringing phone. Just as I’m reaching to answer it, I hear him saying those words again.

I love you, Emma.

Fuck! Why the hell does that scare me so much? Why is it different now that he said those words to me? Ryan is the only other man that has ever said that to me in that context and look what he did to me — could it really be that simple?

Even though I know that Ryan didn’t mean them, those words meant something to me because I did love him and now they have awful memories associated with them. All the times that Ryan would show up after a terrible fight. All the times that he would use those words to control me, bend me to his will.

The screen of my phone fades to black as it stops ringing and I blow out a breath in annoyance and throw my head back, looking up at the ceiling. Jesus, I’m more messed up than I thought. I should just let him go now, set him free. There’s no way he’s going to want to deal with all my crazy. Maybe it’s just better to break things off before they get too serious.

God, I miss him so much though. The ache in my chest just won’t go away and every time I hear a noise outside my door, my heart skips a beat, hoping that it will be Nix. Not that it matters much if I can’t work up the courage to answer the fucking thing.

I’m such a coward. I told myself that I would stop letting Ryan control me and look at me now — pushing away the most amazing, patient man that I’ve ever met because I’m scared. I’m so disappointed in myself. I know what I want… Why is it so hard to just go after it?

Just do it, Emma.

Just grab the phone off the table and dial his freakin’ number. I just need to do it. I quickly sit up and snatch the phone off the coffee table, twirling it in my hands as I try whatever I can think of to work up the courage. I’m probably just making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be.

Just. Call. Him.

I unlock my phone and my finger hovers over the Contacts icon as I second-guess my decision.

I can do this, I tell myself.

I click on the phone book and breathe a sigh of relief for making it one step closer to actually talking to him. I scroll down until I find his name and open his contact information. When I see his photo again, I get lost in it, just like I did when I snapped the shot. He looks at me with such love and devotion, even through a camera lens. God, this was before we were even together and he looks like he already loves me.

Shit…

I can’t do this. He’s so amazing. He should have a woman who isn’t broken, who can give him the love he deserves in return. At least, that’s what I tell myself as I toss the phone onto the couch beside me and groan.

* * * *

“Emma,” Nix says, his deep, raspy voice sending chills up my spine.

I look up from the bar and meet his dazzling blue gaze, my heart skipping a beat at the look he’s giving me. Dragging my eyes down his body, I take in the wrinkled t-shirt and jeans that he’s wearing. He has dark circles under his eyes and he looks miserable.

Just like me.

It’s been a week since I kicked him out of my apartment and despite Addy’s advice, him constantly coming by the apartment, and the number of times I’ve picked up the phone just to hear his voice, I haven’t actually spoken to him. I didn’t really know what to say. I’m still scared. Terrified, in fact, that this will all end in heartbreak for me.