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Mom and I go for one last girls’ day out before she puts me on an evening flight to Wyoming. I cry a little at my gate, even though I swear to myself that I’ll come back in this autumn. There’s still a tiny doubt in my brain. A voice that tells me I gave up and I’m running home. The rational part says that’s not true, this is about the engagement. And about needing a little space from Jamie.
Who am I kidding?
A lot of space.
The plane is half empty. Mom put me in first class; I think she felt bad for me because I kept sniffling on the drive. Honestly, that was more due to summer allergies, but try telling her that. I curl up and pull the blanket she sent me with to my chin, resting my head on the wall. Through the window, the lights of the city fade as we rise into darkness.
My eyes shut.
Jamie swims into them. Big, warm, and wrapped around me beneath the covers. Not fucking me, just holding me, his breathing regulating all the anxiety thrumming through my chest.
I open them. Maybe I’ll watch a movie instead.
We land a little late due to the weather. It’s almost midnight when I grab my carry-on and shuffle out of the airport. Coen’s truck sits on the curb, and he jumps out, swinging open the vehicle door.
“Welcome back,” he says.
I smile, knowing I look like hell. “Thanks, long time, no see.”
“I was expecting you to be gone a little longer,” he remarks, shutting the door behind me. He gets into the driver’s side and starts the engine.
“Congrats,” I say, dropping my purse and curling up in the seat. “Are you excited?”
“I mean, yeah, more than I have been for anything.”
The way he says it makes me happy. He’s always so intentional with Sabrina, and I appreciate that a lot. It does make me want to stay quiet about Jamie, though, because he’s not behaving as well as Coen, who was straightforward with Sabrina about his interest. Jamie is a little more…complicated.
“Sabrina’s excited, too,” I say.
“Yeah, I wasn’t expecting that,” he admits. “Maybe I would’ve proposed sooner.”
“I don’t think she was looking for you to. It’s only been a year. Sabrina’s pretty outspoken, she’d have told you.”
He nods, pulling out onto the highway. “Yeah. Now, she did tell me something else.”
Oh God, I’m pretty sure I know what it is. Despite Coen being a reserved type, he’s adapted well to the small-town tendency to want to be in everyone’s business at all times. That might be the influence of the local Agriculture Club, or going down to the feed store to mow things around with all the men who sit at the soda counter. Either way, he’ll sit and listen to gossip any day.
“Sabrina talked,” I say, frowning.
“I mean, we both knew.”
“And what about it?”
He sighs. “I feel kinda responsible. I mean, Jamie’s basically my brother, and he’s not always…on the same wavelength. Sometimes he does things I wouldn’t do, that’s all I’m saying.”
“Like what?”
“Like he can’t emotionally commit.”
The last year has already proven that. I didn’t need Coen to lay it out. I turn my head so he can’t try to read my emotions.
“It was my idea to stop…meeting up,” I say.
“Really?”
“Yeah,” I say forcefully. “What? I can’t be emotionally unavailable, either?”
He laughs, then sobers. I know he can’t tell whether I’m being serious or not.
