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Devoured

Page 52

by Ember Nash

But she wasn't going to be able to unknow it either. That was the thing she sat with as the stars came up cold and clean over the basin. She'd walked into this with her eyes open and one fact in her hand — he says there's a line he won't cross, and I've decided I can live with that for as long as this lasts — and now Remi had handed her a second fact to set beside it, the kind you couldn't put back down: that the line wasn't even real. That the thing standing between Dean and the whole of his own life was a story a drowning woman had told him on her way down, and he'd believed her, and built his whole careful future on it like it was solid ground.

She turned it over once, the size of it, and then, because she was who she was, because a woman didn’t get through what she'd gotten through by borrowing tomorrow's trouble at a discount tonight, she made herself set it down. Not for good. Just for now. Remi was right: it would crack one day. On its own clock or none. That was a problem for some later version of herself. This version had a man waiting on a tonight, and a sister landing Friday, and a job she was good at, and a kid who'd told her to her face she was glad she was here. She picked up the two empty bottles and stood and looked out at the dark land she'd come to the end of the earth to vanish into, and felt, instead of vanished, found.

She wasn't going to plan a single thing past the next dark. She was just going to enjoy it. She'd gotten very good, lately, at enjoying it.

It hit her on the drive home, of all the stupid times, somewhere on the dark road between the cattle guard and town with the windows down and the warm night coming in.

She hadn't thought about him in two weeks.

Her ex. The one with the office and the someone-who-wasn't-her, the one she'd built three months of careful lies around, the wound she'd carried two thousand miles like luggage she couldn't check. She'd come out here with him sitting on her chest every single morning, the first thought and the last one, the ache she kept pressing on to see if it still worked. And somewhere in the last two weeks, she couldn't even say which day, she'd just stopped. He'd gone quiet in her, then quieter, then gone, and she hadn't noticed him go, which was the most complete way a thing could leave: not with a slam, just with you finally looking up one night and finding the chair empty and not remembering when it had emptied.

She drove the dark road toward her one-room life over a garage in a town at the end of the map, a man's kiss still somewhere on her mouth and his sister's truth folded up and set on a high shelf for later and her own sister landing Friday to see the whole improbable shape of it, and she understood that she was, against every plan she'd made and every wall she'd built, all the way home.

Whatever that was going to cost her someday, it could wait. There was a tonight coming. She drove toward it.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

The south fence had come down in the last big blow, a whole quarter-mile of it. Posts and wire flat in the gold grass, and it had to go back up before they could move the yearlings through, and there was nobody to spare. So Dean took Lara.

He told himself it was because she could drive a stretcher and hold a line straight and follow an instruction the first time he gave it, all of which was true. It was also because he wanted her where he could see her, which he did not tell himself, because he'd been doing a great deal of not telling himself things lately and the not-telling had developed a rhythm of its own.

She was no hand with wire. She'd be the first to say it. But she learned fast, the way she learned everything, and by the second morning she could stretch a strand and tie it off without him having to come over, and she stopped apologizing for the slow ones, and somewhere in there it stopped being a man teaching a woman a job and turned into two people doing one. They worked mostly quiet. The country was big and gone gold with the turn of the season and the work was steady and the talk, when it came, came easy — nothing that mattered, the kind of nothing that only happens between people who've stopped performing for each other. She told him about Boston winters. He told her about the time Chase rolled a four-wheeler into the stock tank at sixteen and walked up to the house dripping and furious and lying about it. She laughed at that, the real laugh, the one with the dimple in it, and he caught it the way he caught all of them and put it in the running tally he kept and did not examine.

By the fourth day his hands knew where her hands would be. That was the thing he'd remember. Reaching for the wire and finding she'd already passed it. Handing back the pliers without looking because he knew she'd be there to take them. Two people falling into the rhythm of a shared job is a quiet thing, almost nothing, and it had undone him more thoroughly than anything that had happened in the dark.

The hands started noticing before the family did, because the hands saw the work.

It was Mack who said the first thing, and Mack said it to Dean and not to anybody else, which was Mack all over. They were standing at the tailgate at the end of a long day, and Lara was thirty yards off coiling the spare wire the way Dean had shown her, and Mack watched her do it for a second and said, around the toothpick he kept in the side of his mouth, "She's a quick study, that one."

"She is."

"Books and barbwire both." Mack spat. "John picked a good one." A beat, the toothpick traveling. "For the office, I mean."

"That all you meant."

"That's all I said." And Mack picked up the posthole digger and walked off, and that was the closest Mack would come, but Dean felt the back of his own neck go warm anyway, because Mack had worked this ranch since Dean was in diapers and Mack did not waste words on a thing he hadn't already decided was true.

One evening he took her up the south rise.

He didn't plan it any more than he planned the rest of it. The work had quit early, the light had gone long and gold, and instead of turning back toward the house he'd said, "Walk with me," and she'd fallen in beside him without asking where, and they'd gone up the slow swell of ground toward the one thing standing on top of it.

The live oak stood alone up there, big and dark and wrong. The only tree for a hundred miles, on a rise where nothing else grew past a man's knee. Under it, the low black wrought-iron fence his great-grandfather had set by hand, the weather-worn stones in their rows, the small gate.

"The family cemetery," Lara said. Not a question. She stopped a few feet off, working out what it meant that he'd brought her.

"Royston Cemetery. Six generations." He lifted the latch and held the gate, and she came in, and he walked her along the rows and told her some of them, the great-great-grandfather out from Tennessee in 1872, the grandmother who'd outlived everybody, the small stones he didn't name. Her hand found his somewhere in it. He didn't remember either of them deciding it.

He brought her last to the newest stone, the letters still sharp. KELLY-ANNE ROYSTON.

"My mother." He looked at it a while. "She chose this tree. Before she died… it was slow, what she had, and she had time to think on it, and what she wanted was to be put somewhere with company that had managed to last." He looked up into the dark of the leaves. "She liked that it stayed."

"It's beautiful," Lara said.

"Yeah."

He didn't say the rest of it. He didn't have to. She'd understood it walking through the gate, that a man doesn't bring a woman up to stand among his hundred and fifty years of dead to make conversation, that she'd been brought here, claimed by the ground and not just by him, and that this was the largest thing he had it in him to say without a word in it. She held his hand a little tighter and let it be what it was, and they stood under the tree a minute in the gold quiet, and then walked back down.

The barn happened on a Thursday.