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“Okay. Arms up for me.”

I raised them and she began the breast exam.

I was back in my head. I hated checking that box. I hated the little 1 that had to exist in my medical record forever because technically something had happened inside my body that couldn’t be erased just because I’d spent years putting it somewhere my mind didn’t have to visit.

For a long time, I questioned that decision. I questioned who I had been when I made it.

What state of mind I’d been in, and whether fear, shame, or love had decided for me. I wondered whether I had chosen what I wanted or simply chosen the only option that didn’t make an already impossible situation even more impossible. I stopped doing that. I shoved those thoughts so far into the back of my mind that even therapy hadn’t pulled completely out.

Two years removed from everything, I knew it had been the right decision. A child would not have fixed anything. A child would have tied me permanently to something I had barely survived leaving. And there were circumstances surrounding that pregnancy I still wasn’t ready to experience.

Talynn stepped back. “Everything feels normal.”

I blinked and mentally returned to the room.

She lowered the gown. “Any questions for me?”

“No.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

“I’ll send the prescription for the patch. You can get dressed.”

“Thank you.”

She left and the door clicked shut.

I sat there and I didn’t move. My phone buzzed beside me, so I looked down.

Nash: Also, before you start investigating, the restaurant has a 4.7 rating.

I stared at the message then laughed. That was enough to bring me completely back to the now. Nash didn’t know about the pregnancy or termination. He barely knew about Caleb. He didn’t know there were entire rooms inside me I kept locked because I wasn’t sure what would happen if somebody walked through them. I didn’t immediately convince myself that withholding those things made me dishonest.

We had been on one date, and I was allowed to have a past. I was allowed to reveal it when I was ready.

I slid off the examination table and reached for my clothes.

My phone buzzed again.

Nash: So, are we still good for tonight?

I pulled my shirt over my head then typed.

Blair: Yes.

Blair: And I might even let you kiss me again.

Nash: I’ll make sure to wear my good cologne!

I buttoned my jeans before I shook my head and slipped the phone into my purse. The pregnancy and termination stayed where I’d put it. In the back… behind Caleb and everything that happened afterward.

I spent two years being grateful I hadn’t left that relationship permanently connected to Caleb. Finding out I was pregnant hadn’t been the moment that finally showed me who Caleb really was. It was what he did after.

10

Blair