Page 226

Brand drew one of the deep breaths Luna showed him, holding it at the end before a slow exhale. “Apologies, Araxis. I am…”

A bloody idiot, as usual.

“If I may?” Araxis produced a blank parchment and a well pen from the Solyrealm that Amun gifted all of them years ago. “Consent. You’re able to change your mind at any point, so what does it hurt to try?”

His selves were starting to bleed together in ways they never had, and it was absurd. Fucking unbearable. If Brand had a tunic on, he’d be tearing at the collar to get it away from him. Ripping it off. He had to force himself not to self soothe. To rub that worn notch in his primary horn on the one side. To draw his knuckles across his lips like they were at all an adequate replacement for a lock of Luna’s hair.

The separation between the two halves had always been Brand’s saving grace, this greater form a balm on the weakest parts of his lesser self. Now, they were trying to be one and the same. Fucking pathetic all around, when it should’ve gone the other bloody way and saved them all the trouble.

Brand stared at Luna’s letter again, trying to find an answer there. Something that told him what he was supposed to do. He didn’t know how to be alone in this state. Waiting those wretched hours for her to wake up was its own torture already, thoughts spinning and spinning and spinning and…

It’s almost as if, regardless of what you decide, I will love you and be overjoyed.

Burning Solyrian. She would, too. She would love him regardless and mean it with her whole self, but…

There was no way for Brand to be worthy of such a thing if he never really tried.

Fuck.

“She’ll…be in the Montrealm?” He had to know where to run when he couldn’t take it anymore and needed to be near her.

“To be fully transparent, she didn’t say those words, but I assume so. That’s where Fern is, after all.”

Shite, how bloody backwards was that? Stuck in Nachthelliae while Luna waited around in his realm for Brand to get a hold of himself. Solyrian didn’t even shine here. How in the world was he meant to live, let alone the rest of it?

“Also”—Araxis cringed, the evelight catching on his fangs—“it’s possible I withheld how ill Fern really was in order to keep Lunara calm. It will take a decent amount of time and energy to heal her. Besides, she did swear not to do anything to endanger herself otherwise. I believe she’ll honor that regardless of where she is.”

“Is Fern really that bad?”

Twisted of him to hope for such a thing because it would keep Luna occupied in a place she’d be well guarded. Because they were both in good hands as long as they stayed in Straelon.

“Truthfully, I have no fucking idea how that creature is still alive—her current infection aside. She’s the most foolhardy person I know, Lunara included.” Araxis sighed. “But yes. She was literally dying. Again. Which also means she’ll likely double down on her life debt to Lunara once she’s saved, so best of luck to you with your new winged companion.”

Honestly, Brand didn’t mind. He…loved Fern. She never treated him differently, no matter how much of an arse he was with the beast possessing him. She protected his friends and family, his mate, from his episodes and outbursts more than once. And she understood him, in her own way. The Fae would have his loyalty for the rest of forever for those things, counted among his dearest friends.

Life debts for everyone, apparently.

His heart picked up its pace as he lifted the parchment, words tumbling out unbidden when he was done scratching his shite hand across the page. “What am I doing, Araxis? I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Ironic, really, that he was being gifted one of his life’s greatest desires as soon as he didn’t want it anymore. That he was incapable of envisioning a single thing that would make it worthwhile if she was away from him while he did it.

“Start with getting yourself out of the rage.” Araxis took Brand’s short reply and whisked it into the ether. “After that, you can do whatever you want. Whatever you need. That’s the point. The only problem is that you’re used to realms with sunlight and we have none, which means things like commanding the stone to glow for you is…not possible here. Give me a moment. I’ll be right back.”

Araxis disappeared, misting off to Sisters knew where.

Brand stared out into the forest, the world going in and out of focus, stretching and snapping while he tried to come to terms with his situation.

Perhaps…perhaps if he made it through the moments Araxis was gone, he could go a little longer. Just until tomorrow. When he woke up, he’d tell himself the same. Just one more day. Over and over, until Brand was confident he deserved those perfect arms being thrown around him.

Until he was right again.

The silence and stillness was a heavy blanket, exactly as Luna described it. Pleasant, though, rather than stifling, like he was being tucked into bed.

He could handle it for another day.

It was maybe a quarter hour before Araxis reappeared, arms full. He tossed everything into the air, commanding it to hover in a grid pattern, and pointed in turn.

“An axe for firewood, and a set of scale shards from Amal’s dragon. Extra clothes and linens for bathing. Regular wax candles from Thodelebor. Some more carving knives. A skein of twine, just in case. A basket of food stuffs, probably more hearty than whatever piddling plant life she’s been feeding you. And a pouch of realm tolls.”