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Lucas’ pause is like shadow Dimitar ripping open my chest again. I bow my head, my teeth grinding as my arms curl up over me. How did I miss all the signs? Dimitar’s fixation on Lucas, his eagerness to trade with only him when Dimitar had Astoria right where he wanted. It was all to get Lucas back under his sick control. It was there before me, and I never cared to look deeper.

Lucas sighs hard. “Stop that. I don’t need your pity.”

“It’s not pity,” I practically growl. I can’t seem to get my tone under control. Emotions storm within me: rage towards Dimitar, towards myself for being so foolish….

“V, sit up and look at me.”

I do as he says, unable to bear causing him any more unhappiness. Lucas spins his water glass between his heavily bandaged fingers and says, “Nothing happened between Dimitar and me more than what you saw tonight. What it is…” He pauses before sighing again. “This might be hard for you to understand with your weaver lifespan, but this happened a long time ago. I’ve had five years to process what he tried to force our relationship into. The pain Alasdair sensed tonight wasn’t the sexual aspect of it. Well, not completely. I like men. I don’t have a problem with that. What hurts me… I mean, he was… He took…” His voice breaks, and he clears his throat before trying again. “He was like a father.”

I ease myself up more until I sit on my heels. Lucas stares at the dark shadows of the room, collecting his thoughts before continuing softly. “My dad was not a good man. He hurt us, and when I finally became bigger and stronger than him, I made it stop. Dimitar took me in. I was fifteen and desperate for that kind of attention. For nine years, that was our relationship. The pain? It’s the realization of how wrong I was. It took all these memories I used to… well. Cherish. And turned them into something revolting.”

The grief and pain that last word holds cracks me open. I stare at him, at the way the moonlight casts half his face in shadow. His eyes close, and his chest expands. “I don’t like remembering those times. It makes the loss of my grandma and mom all the worse. I spent years trying to find evidence that Dimitar killed them, but he hid it too well.”

He sets his half-empty glass back down, but the bandages on his hands make it difficult, and it wobbles. I snap my arm out to grab it, and our hands meet to right the cup together. I don’t linger. I respectfully dip my hand away, and he watches the movement silently.

His eyes meet mine in the darkness. “I don’t let men be rough with me because I’m very careful with the men I sleep with. I don’t mind the roughness. Hell, I like the roughness. I just haven’t trusted any in a long time.”

My heart pounds, realization weighing heavily on me. He let me. He would’ve let me do even more if I’d stayed. We didn’t know each other that well, and yet he found something within me that allowed him to feel a sense of security to explore that part of himself again. He trusted me. And I threw it in his face.

My lips part, my chest aching, and it turns my words into a rough whisper of regret. “I shouldn’t have said goodbye to you in a letter.”

Lucas snorts and some of his normal playfulness returns. “Are you lumping all your apologies together tonight to get them over with?”

But his lightness doesn’t ease my burden. “I apologize for that as well. It’s not something that comes naturally to me. I was not raised to apologize. It would question my infallibility and that is not an acceptable Bauer weakness.”

Lucas hums, his warm gaze holding mine until I fall deep into those honey eyes when he says, “I don’t know about that. You’re still pretty damn perfect.”

My heart pulses, and a pressure builds. “I’m sorry, Lucas.”

He huffs a laugh. “Well, look at that. I didn’t even have to make you with my little threads or anything.”

A surprised laugh bursts from me. I stroke my hair back and lean on my elbows. “A thief of many talents.”

“Aw, V. I’m going to blush.” He shifts and grimaces. “Listen, this whole heart-to-heart after my trauma is nice and all, but whatever you gave me is wearing off.”

I sit up. “Where is the pain?”

“Everywhere.” His head tilts back in a groan. He’s slipping sideways.

I stand, my hands hovering over him. “May I touch you?”

Lucas startles, but it sets off a chain of flinches, and he flops down with a, “Fucking hell, yes. I’m too tired to have dignity.”

Another laugh comes unbidden, and I help him back into bed. I’m just about done with pulling the covers back up when he sleepily mumbles, “You don’t have to ask, you know. About you touching me. It doesn’t bother me.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I sit on the edge of the bed. “Do you want more sedatives?”

“No. I just need to go back to sleep.” He wets his lips. “Aren’t you coming to bed?”

“In a minute. I need to check the wards first.”

His face is tight. I tick through my list of potions, but there’s nothing I can give him that won’t prolong his healing. I’m sure once he is asleep, the sedative I gave him earlier will help him stay so.

A reflex I didn’t know I possessed lifts my hand. My fingers slide through his soft, long hair and a new pain slices through my heart when he leans into them. I flinch when Lucas lazily slips his fingers along mine. My throat is so tight I can’t breathe, and I turn my hand in his to hold.

It doesn’t take long for the soft, steady breath of sleep to sound from Lucas’ lips, yet I can’t bring myself to stop stroking his messy long hair or let go of his hand in mine.

Oh, Valentin. Has the ice in your heart thawed for another?