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They were quiet for a while, looking out at the valley below.

“This not being together thing fucking sucks,” he muttered, jaw clenching. “I try not to resent your clan for it. I really do try.”

“Pyetar…”

“I want to hold you. I want to kiss you and carry you back to my bed and pretend we might not all die tomorrow.” His eyes burned with longing. Not in a carnal way, but with a tender plea that weakened her resolve.

“I can’t, Pyetar.” She shook her head in small, quick jerks. “I really can’t.”

“I know,” he said. But the longing stayed.

She knew she shouldn’t ask, but she couldn’t help herself. “I don’t know how long it will take for my clan to be open to us, and I don’t want you to put your life on hold waiting. When this war ends, what are you going to do about the 18th?”

Pyetar took a slow breath, his chest expanding and deflating like that was the one question he’d been avoiding. “I’ve been trying to come to terms with that. I want to be selfish, for you to be selfish, too. But I know we can’t be.”

Iryana’s heart clenched; she could feel what was coming.

“You know I never wanted power, never wanted to be a soldier at all, but if this war has made me realize anything, it’s that I need to do something with my life. Have a purpose. But where can I find that outside the 18th?” He scrubbed at his beard. He sounded so conflicted. “Maybe being a general really is my destiny as a Horvol. Maybe it’s what I’m meant to do, to make up for the misdeeds of my brother and father. To have learned from the terrible choices they made. To find a better way.”

“You’re not responsible for what they did,” she told him.

“Perhaps not, but it taught me a lot. Don’t I have a responsibility to do something about it? I… think I help the 18th rebuild. I think it’s the only purpose I have.” Pyetar was somber, his hooded eyes barely focusing on the snow-covered landscape before them.

At least he wasn’t planning on leaving. At least not yet. Perhaps it was cruel, but she didn’t want to give up hope completely.

“You’re a good man, Pyetar. One of the best I know.”

“There are a lot of people that would disagree with you,” he argued, a heaviness to his voice. “Your family for one.”

“It’s their loss.”

He met her gaze. Those blue eyes were roiling like a stormy sea. “I know we said we were going to pretend that everything is going to work out…”

She swallowed. The heaviness of the world starting to creep back in again.

“I have some things I want to say to you—just in case.”

“Pyetar…” She shook her head, not wanting to hear. Every day it felt harder to keep her distance from him, to stop herself from seeking him out.

“No, I have to say it. Please,” he begged.

She clenched her teeth to stop her lip from quivering. She gave him a brusque nod, looking out at the forest again to keep herself from falling apart.

“You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me,” he started softly. “You hated me, hated all the things about me that I hated myself for, too. But then you saw past them, cared for me despite everything I’d done. It made me feel like I could see past them, too. I want to be the man you see me as. I’ve wanted to make you proud. Your love has given me something to hold on to, to use to pick myself back up.”

Iryana couldn’t help but look at him, her eyes brimming with tears.

Pyetar met her gaze, his own burning with sincerity. “There is nothing in the world that would bring me more joy than spending the rest of my days with you. You are everything to me. You’re the sun that wakes me each morning. You’re the moon that comforts me at night. You’re the lights dancing across the black sky of my darkest moments. You are everything, Iryana.”

She took a shaky step toward him, her lips parted and cheeks wet. How could he say those things and not expect them to destroy her?

He cleared his throat and continued unrelenting. “I want you to make it through this. I want you to get out with your clan members if it comes to it. I want to know you’re going to become the amazing leader I know you can be. And I want you to find joy in life. Let the love that I’ve felt for you, the little time we’ve had, bring you only happy memories and never pain. I don’t want to bring you pain—” He choked down a sob, and Iryana threw herself against him, clutching desperately at his jacket.

“Pyetar, I—” she tried to get out, but she was shaking. Her heart simultaneously breaking and yearning all at once. “I—”

“Shhh,” he soothed her, holding her tight. “I know. I already know.”

Every single fighter who could stand and hold a weapon was fighting. Many were stationed at the base of the cliff, some were on the ledge and towers, others on the wall or standing in formation behind it. They no longer had the luxury of rest or reserved soldiers.