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“Yes, okay, he saved you. Now, you should be living your life to the fullest. You should be out, dating, and letting me drag you to the club with me! Your birthday is soon and you can finally legally drink, and you have to let loose a little. Please, or I might have you committed to a ward.”

“I have tried. I just…feel yucky whenever I talk to guys. I mean, they’re so flirty and always trying to be so charming, and then they think if you like them, they try to touch you more and it just freaks me out a little.” I sigh as I lock my phone and set it down on the table.

I’m not sure what it is. I think whatever he did to me broke me forever. I feel unable to be comfortable around guys in a romantic way. Moreover, I just don’t feel it. You know…it?

“I know, and maybe it would be good if I introduce you to someone instead? Someone I know, and maybe I can tell him that he shouldn’t⁠—”

“No, Crys, I just don’t know. I really don’t want to meet anyone right now. Can’t we just go out, just us? I promise I'll try to let loose.”

The waitress interrupts us, setting down our plates before we dig in. I’m thankful for the few moments of peace so I can think more about everything. I really do want to go out and have fun with Crystal. I just don’t like clubs or bars, because whenever you go out, men come from the shadows and immediately try to dance with you or talk with you. It just makes me uncomfortable. I know Crystal loves it though, and I’m happy she gets to enjoy things like that freely. I wish I was normal too.

Ever since…that, I just can’t feel much in that department. I have my therapist and she’s great, but no matter what, when it comes to it…nothing.

“Earth to Layla,” Crystal says, waving her hand in front of me.

“Sorry. I swear I’ll go and be excited.”

“Babe, I don’t want you to pretend to be excited, okay? It’s your birthday. I just think…maybe if you found someone you kind of like⁠—”

“Crys, I⁠—”

“No, wait, hear me out first. If you found someone you even just have a fraction of attraction for, maybe you can push yourself a little. I think if you just did something, anything, kissing even, you might feel relief after. You know? Like, it’s worse in your head and you just need to let it out so you can try to physically move on.”

I get what she means…and maybe she’s right. But there’s only one person I’ve ever even felt a fraction of attraction to. But if I tell her that, she’ll be even more worried about my obsession as she calls it.

“If I promise to discuss it with my therapist, can we drop it for now? I appreciate you trying to help me, it's just complicated.”

“I know it is, I just want what’s best for you. You deserve it.”

I nod with a smile. I love Crystal, even though I know she doesn’t fully understand how I feel…it isn’t her fault. She’s lucky that she doesn’t understand.

When we finish eating, we leave our favorite little diner and part ways, and I get on the bus and head home.

Well, maybe home is a strong word for it.

It’s a little rundown studio apartment downtown. It’s…not ideal. But it’s what I have, and I need to be thankful for the things I have.

I sigh as I walk in through the broken metal door of the lobby—I thought the landlord said they’d fix it. I make my way up the two flights of stairs, shaking my hair a bit to get the lasting wetness from the rain outside off before I drip onto the floor of my apartment.

“Oh!” I exclaim as I pick up the package in front of my door.

They’re here!

I excitedly unlock the door and close it behind me, making sure I lock the deadbolts. I immediately rip into it, first picking up the beautiful pink and blue ombré vibrator I ordered. It’s the first time I’ve ever bought myself a sex toy…at the recommendation of my therapist. I set it down and pick up the matching dildo with a suction cup at the other end. Jesus. I guess…it’s bigger than I expected. But it’s okay, baby steps. We’ll get to that one once I master the little vibrator.

I was nervous, but I really am excited to try it all for the first time.

Eventually. Maybe soon.

I’m not sure how to even begin, I only know that lately I’ve been feeling it. A little. When I think about the amazing man who saved me; who got justice for me. Something about him makes me feel something deep inside that I’ve never had the chance to before.

And I want to be a normal girl. Woman. Because women get to enjoy sex, enjoy fun with other people, and they get to do it on their own terms.

After everything that happened to me, I’ve never wanted sex. I’ve never even touched myself. Everything to do with sex is just a giant block in my brain that never rattles. I found it hard to imagine how anyone could like it, how it could take over their minds so much that they let it control how they act.

It scares me a little, because what if I become like that if I have sex now? What if I’m as fucked up as he was? He practically raised me. Maybe that weighs on me too.

But I’m working on something Crystal recommended. She calls it, “Saying fuck it, and doing whatever comes to my mind, even if it scares me.” So, I’m going to do new things. At my own pace, and by myself.