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“Yeah…it’s just that, before, I didn’t think there was a chance. I mean he’s—” I pause as I look around trying to think. “He’s someone I met online! So you know, we haven’t met yet. I just wanted to feel better before I met him.”

“Well, ‘feeling better’ is a pretty broad statement. We’ve talked about not using those, because I don’t want you to think that there’s something wrong with you.”

“I know! I just mean, I want to enjoy it. Him. Like, I want to experience the whole, ‘girl meets boy and they fall in love,’ thing for once in my life.” I realize I sound a little crazy after I say it, but I don’t care. Maybe that is what I expect. I know the moment I’m across from him, I’ll feel all those amazing things swirling inside of me.

“Well, do you plan to meet soon?” she asks.

“Yes…we actually might be meeting tonight.”

“That’s soon,” she says, surprised.

“I think it’s time. It’s been a long time for me, at least.” Not technically a lie.

“Well…don’t rush yourself. It’s easy to fall into letting others decide the pace because it’s easier, but you are the one who decides that.”

I nod along as she goes on. I agree…and I understand her. She always knows the “right” thing to say. But I don’t want to think about the pace or where we’re at. I just want to be around him, know him, feel him, and let everything happen naturally. I want to see what happens without feeling restricted because of my trauma.

I feel relieved when the timer goes off, and I eagerly stand up from my seat. “Thank you, I’ll…see you next week?”

“Well, maybe we should talk sooner. I can pencil you in my schedule for a call tomorrow, that way maybe you can work out some of your feelings after tonight?

I agree and thank her again, giving her a smile as I walk out of her office door and exit the building.

Ugh.

I don’t want to have to explain myself to anyone. I’m not even sure what I’ll tell Crystal. Can I really just keep it a secret? Maybe it’s better if I don’t tell anyone until he’s ready. Then I can introduce him as my boyfriend and… “God! I need to relax!” I say out loud as I cover my giant smile with my hand.

It’s fine. Breathe. One step at a time. I’m going to do my best to not be too eager when I meet him. I know he needs time to get to know me first to see how he feels.

But…on the flip side of that, I also wanna get my feelings across to him too. How the heck can I do that without scaring him off?

Maybe he can’t be scared off. He’s surely not scared of much, right? So maybe he won’t mind. Ah, I just can’t wait to see his face after all this time.

My phone rings loudly and I answer. “Crys!”

“Hey! I was watching your location and noticed you left therapy, so I called.”

“Stalker, much?” I giggle.

“Yeah, yeah. You know I always watch where you go. You make me anxious taking the bus everywhere. God knows what could happen. Anyway, you’re off today so why don’t we hang out? Maybe go shopping so we can find something to wear for your birthday?”

“Oh…um I can’t today,” I say as I reach the bus stop.

“What? Why?”

“I…have plans?” Well, I kind of have to lie, right?! I mean I can’t just say, ‘I have plans to stake out a convicted sex offender’s home, hoping a serial killer shows up.’

“Uh…I have a date! I totally forgot to tell you! I mean, with that guy from work who keeps asking, remember?” I say quickly, hoping she believes me as I take my seat on the bus. I’m an awful liar.

“Clark? The one you said you’re not interested in?”

“Yeah…maybe I need to give him a chance.”

“Well, I’m happy to see you going out but I hope he didn’t pressure you. Seriously Layla, it’s okay to tell people no.”

“No! It’s fine I swear. It might even be fun. I think I’m going to wear that shirt you got me last year, too.”

Crystal sighs into the phone, almost sounding relieved. “Well, fine. But you’re not getting away easy, okay? I demand you tell me every detail tomorrow. I’m busy but I’ll call you in the morning.”