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The three of us were in my bed, none of us wanting to be alone. Both Ada and Otto had snuggled up to me after their bath, and I was taking in the scent of their still-child shampoo, the wet wisps of hair tickling my nose, the little bodies that made my heart full, when my daughter touched my face, asking for my attention.
‘Is Luuk alleen nu?’ my daughter asked.
‘Yes, he’s flying alone, but…’
‘Nee, mama,’ Otto butted in to explain. ‘Alleen.’
‘We have Oma Iris and Opa Hendrik and tante Lola and Kalvin and tante Bea and tante Dory,’ Ada continued, taking inventory.
‘And each other,’ I added, giving each other a tickle, relishing in their giggles as they squirmed to supposedly avoid being tickled.
‘So… Luuk is alleen?’ Otto insisted.
The nights on the blow-up mattress came to mind. How Luuk smiled when the kids refused to leave him alone; how he missed being part of a support system, as my sassy magnet said. He might be surrounded by crowds and his band members, but I know, for he told me almost from the get-go of our friendship, how the hotel-room-hopping felt, how he was longing to put down roots. Only back then he had left out the part that he wanted it to be with us.
‘Still with me?’ On-screen Luuk arches his eyebrow.
‘Yes, my angry boyfriend.’
Despite my effort to lighten the mood, Luuk is too riled up to relax. ‘Seriously, Corrie, how can they be such cold-hearted pricks? How can they decide that they’ll continue their lives pretending their grandkids don’t exist?’
‘Honestly, right now I’m done trying. More than half a decade is enough.’
‘It definitely is. You know, my anger is partly selfish.’
‘Sounds more like the contrary, the empathy.’
‘Yes, but part of the anger is frustration. I wish that my parents were around. They would have been happy to fill the paternal grandparents’ shoes. And they would love the kids, regardless of whose genes they carry.’
His voice fades, and my heart breaks. I wish the days of waiting had passed, so that we would already be there. So that I could give him a hug and show him he isn’t alone.
‘Right when I think I can’t love you more, you prove me wrong.’
He sends me a teasing smirk. ‘Happy to oblige. I solemnly declare I’ll keep doing it.’
‘That’s great to hear, because I was about to solemnly declare that you are ours to keep loving.’
He shrugs nonchalantly, but there’s relief in his voice when he speaks next. ‘I’ll never get tired of hearing it.’
‘I hope it’s tightly lodged in your mind because there will be more hotel rooms in your future. You. Are. Ours. Put it in your heart’s pocket for safekeeping.’
‘No need, it’s always on my mind.’ He winks, as a voice asks whether they’re ready to begin. ‘Gotta go, but we’ll talk later, okay? I love you.’
‘Love you, too.’
‘Fourteen sleepovers,’ he singsongs while strumming.
The screen goes blank, but I sit staring at it with the biggest smile, the thorn of cruelty plucked and thrown away like a splinter, love and empathy and acceptance healing the wound.
Chapter Fifty
Two weeks later
Luuk
‘Thank you so much for being here,’ I tell the crowd filling Nashville’s Skydeck, where tonight’s concert is about to come to an end. ‘This is a very special night. I have with me the three most important people in my life.’
Ooohs and awwws emanate from the crowd. After the famous Gwen’s podcast, I don’t have to explain what I mean. I also don’t have to apologize for any secret pregnancy because Celina wasn’t even pregnant to begin with. During my very final meeting with Aaron, after I announced that we would part ways, he confessed that once things started looking serious with Corrie and I dropped the bomb of wanting to be based in Amsterdam, he started looking for ways to distance me from her, ‘For the sake of your career.’
