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“My sisters would die. They already told me to get off because they think I’m too old.” I would’ve given up if they hadn’t said that. Now I have to prove a point.

“They might be right,” Kerry says. “Tiktok is a whole other world. The kids are completely invested in it.”

“It’s a rabbit hole,” Dion says, and we laugh at her unintended bunny joke. “I fell down it after that asshat on his crotch-rocket tried to kill Lola. It’s definitely not made for us.”

“Speak for yourselves, I like the toktiker,” Amelia mumbles with her mouth full. “The lesbian thirst-trap is a thing. I’m just saying. I bet you’d all question your straightness after a day on my feed.”

“Olivia, why?” Kerry asks, genuinely curious rather than outright teasing me about it.

“Free advertising, and it’s making books go viral. I can’t afford to fall behind on what’s working, I guess. Though I hope it just feeds away like some of the others have.” I really do hope that, because creating videos of myself is just stupid. “But, have you seen the men on there?”

“Have you seen that show Catfish?” Charlotte mocks. “Besides, none of those men live here. It’s a trap.”

“Dion, your kid cannot follow me on Tiktok. I will block him.” I’m worried he sees my book content which is not for kids!

“Block away, because you know he’s going to follow you.” I know, and I can’t afford a scandal about under-age kids reading my smut so I’ll need to put a fast stop to that.

“Why are kids like that?” I ask, because I wasn’t ever like that. Not until my twenties did I find my inner rebel and go wild. Even then I didn’t exactly go wild. This is about as wild as it gets.

“They’re kids,” Charlotte says. “There’s no explanation for it. It just is what it is.”

“Good thing you guys cured me of having any then,” I say, grabbing the wine bottle to top up my glass. Red and Rosé don’t really mix, but I’ve had enough not to care at this point.

“You’ll change your mind,” Dion says.

“I won’t.” I know I won’t.

“So in a perfect romance novel where the very jaded, hermit author Olivia accidentally falls in love, what does the hero look like?” Kerry asks me, a smile on her face.

“It’s not about looks, I have a list.”

“Of course you do.” Charlotte thinks that’s very funny. “Must leave you alone. Can never come to your house. Must love goldfish because you can’t keep anything else alive. Must feed himself because all you eat is toast. Should only apply if he has no sense of humor and can understand that nothing is important enough to call and not text about.” I should have known they’d make a joke of it. I do have a list, but now I’m not sharing it with them. It has real things on it, like ‘must have his shit together’ and ‘can’t live with his mother’. I’ve been on some dates, they just all ended with me thinking I should get a cat instead of a boyfriend. They were all from dating apps where I could suitably stalk my date before the time and they still didn’t work out. So not knowing a thing about this upcoming blind date is giving my anxiety anxieties. He’s probably a weirdo and Amelia is making this a joke.

“Only Olivia would have a list.” Kerry rolls her eyes. “So romantic.”

“Hey, I had a list. And ‘fuckable vet’ was not on it,” Dion retorts in my defense. “Neither was the rabbit. Well, not that sort of rabbit, but here we are.”

“There’s nothing wrong with knowing what I want,” I chime in. “Besides, it doesn’t matter because it’s not a real date!” I remind them.

Just like that I’m no longer in the mood for wine, and jokes I’m obviously the butt of. I want to go home. Maybe I can still get some writing in tonight. You know, write drunk, edit drunker or whatever they say.

“I’m going to call an Uber, it’s getting late.” Amelia frowns, knowing full well it’s early for us. “I have this deadline and it’s making me anxious.” I just want to leave because all this talk bout me dating is making me uncomfortable.

“Maybe you can write a book about a schmexy uber driver,” Kerry says, sluring slightly.

“Someone already did that.” All the good ideas go fast in this job. I think that’s half my problem, trying to make something tired and already done, new and fresh and unique. And sitting here with my friends while they treat my life as a joke certainly isn’t going to fix that problem.