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Alex shut my door, and stayed at the curb until Maddy left the hospitals’ parking lot. I felt Maddy’s gaze flitting between the road and my face, and when it got too quiet on the drive back to our apartment, I chanced looking at her.

“What?”

“You kissed Alex.”

A smile stretched across my face. “I did.”

“Well? Are you going to tell me how it felt, or just leave a girl hanging?”

“It felt…” I searched for the right word, “weird. Like it was my first kiss, you know?”

“Well technically it’s your first kiss post-accident so I guess that counts. Was it good?”

I thought about it. “It was, but…” My words trailed off, and I tried not to overthink why the feelings you’re supposed to feel when you kiss a guy you like weren’t there. “It was sweet.”

“Sweet? That’s it? No fireworks? No explosions in your belly?”

“No, but I don’t think he was expecting me to kiss him.” It was a lame excuse, but the more thought I put into what I should have been feeling when I kissed Alex, the more deficient I felt.

“That’s the point,” said Maddy, coming to a stop in front of our apartment building. It was almost three in the morning, and we were both beat. “But it has been a stressful night. I can’t imagine what Vaughan must be going through right now.”

The mention of his name made my mood plummet, and all the worry I’d felt earlier came flooding back. Maddy wasn’t at the hospital when I bumped into my Dad, but I called her as soon as Daniel had fallen asleep to let her know what happened. My heart broke for him, and it was still so strange that the inclination to comfort him came so naturally. Part of me did it because Vaughan looked ready to lose his mind, and I wanted to comfort him the best way I could without touching him. Having just come from a date with Alex, I didn’t think getting too close to Vaughan was appropriate, no matter how badly I wanted to. Alex didn’t know much about me yet, or my life, and having to explain who Vaughan was when I wasn’t even sure myself seemed premature. Not to mention out of place given the circumstances.

“Hey.” Maddy gave me a slight shove. “Where’d you go? You zoned out.”

“Sorry. I was just thinking about Daniel.”

Not a complete lie, but it was his big brother who seemed to be dominating my thoughts. It should have been Alex, who I actually enjoyed spending time with, but I found that he was more of an afterthought borne of obligation. He should have been the one I was thinking about.

“Did he tell you guys what happened?”

“Yeah.” I swallowed, not wanting to get myself worked up all over again. “That poor boy was put through the wringer, and I swear, if I ever see his Mother, I’ll kill her myself.”

“See, now that is the kind of reaction you should have had after kissing Alex.” Maddy opened our apartment door, and walked inside. I frowned at her back.

“So I should feel like I want to kill him?”

Her logic so did not make sense, despite the late hour and my state of tiredness.

“No, of course not. I just mean that your kiss with Alex should evoke that kind of emotion, not merely a ‘it was sweet’. You know what I mean?”

“No, I have no idea what you’re getting at.”

“Maybe I’m not explaining myself properly,” replied Maddy. “It’s late, and I’m not exactly known for my late-night advice-giving skills.”

“True,” I acquiesced. “Which is why I think it’s time for bed.”

“Now that makes sense. I’ll see you in the morning, sweets.”

“Night, Maddy. Love you.”

“Love you,” she called over her shoulder. Her bedroom door shut, and I switched off the lamps Maddy had left on before coming to fetch me at the hospital. I went through my nightly routine, however tedious it was at buttfuck o’clock, and when I finally laid my head down on my pillow, sleep eluded me. Completely. I tossed and turned for a good thirty minutes before I relented, giving in to my state of sudden restlessness. My body was wired for some reason, and like most nights when I had difficulty sleeping I flicked my bedside light on and grabbed my journal. I’d starting using it a day after Natalie suggested it. The moment my pen hit the cream-colored paper, the words flowed. I had no idea where they came from, they were just there…

Angry eyes looked down at me, filled with a plea.I knew exactly what he was asking but I was afraid, afraid of what happened next, and worried about whether or not we could make it. In that moment I realized it had nothing to do with my family and everything to do with me. It wasn’t my family’s rejection I was afraid of. It was his. He turned around, and started stalking towards his truck. The parking lot was dark, empty and wet from an earlier rainstorm. It only added to the sense of foreboding that swept over me. With every step he took away from me, my heart cracked a little more. This was it. It was over, and all I would have left were the moments we had to steal to be together. And that wasn’t enough.

My lip trembled, and I felt the first tear streak its way down my face. I didn’t move, even though my mind was telling me to run after him. What would I say that I hadn’t already?

That you love him, you idiot.