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My cheeks heat from the sexual sound he made low in his throat.

“I’ll hold the blanket up a bit, and you can shuffle down the table so your head is on the table.” I pick up the towel and turn my head away, something I’ve done a thousand times before.

Maybe it’s weird, but I never think of my clients as naked under the sheet when I work on them. Not until now. Now, for some reason, I’m acutely aware that Ansel isn’t dressed.

I hear him shift, and when the sounds stop, I ask, “All good?”

“Yup.”

I turn to adjust the blanket, and I look down at him. He’s not smiling like he normally is.

“What’s wrong? Is something hurting?” A shot of panic hits me, afraid I aggravated something in his back.

“I hate the idea of you spending the holidays on your own. If I’d known, I would have invited you over to Elliott’s.”

“Oh.” I blink and wave my hand. That’s not what I was expecting him to say. “You’re not responsible for me, Ansel. It’s fine.”

His frown deepens. “You spending Christmas alone is not fine, Collins.” There’s an injection of steel in his voice, and for some reason, that makes my back get up.

“I don’t know if it’s dawned on you, but I spend every night alone since…” I don’t have it in me to say his name right now. I’m too raw.

The tension in his face drops, and I see realization creep in. Maybe he’s never pictured what my life looks like now, maybe he has, I don’t know. But I can tell that right now, some light bulb has gone off for him. I don’t bother asking what it might be, though, because I really don’t want to know what he’s thinking or imagining.

So I bury my head and work on his arm. Silence stretches between us until it’s razor-thin.

“You used to be so social. Maybe not the life of the party, but you enjoyed being around people. Liked to be in the mix.”

Well, thanks, Ansel, just take a machete to the peaceful silence we were enjoying. Okay, not peaceful, but he doesn’t have to just call it out like it is. The bruise he’s been pressing on since the smoke detector is becoming a welt.

I remove my hands from him and toss them up at my sides. “You think I want to be like this?”

“I don’t mean it like that. It’s not a judgment.” He pushes his hand through his hair. “I’m fucking this up.”

“Are you the same person since Caleb died?” Just his name in this room undoes all the restraint I try to possess.

He startles. “Of course not.”

“Then why are you judging me because I’m not?”

“I told you I wasn’t judging you. It’s just… Caleb wouldn’t want you to live like this. So closed off from everyone.”

Tears prick my eyes, but I suck them back. I don’t know what to say. He’s telling the truth, but I don’t know what or how to do anything about it.

One thing is for sure: what I’ve been doing isn’t working. I’m stuck in the same spot I was when Caleb died. Maybe not quite at the same pit of despair, but not far off. If I’m crawling out of my grief, it’s at a snail’s pace, and I’m not exactly helping myself by clawing at the dirt to pull myself up and out of it.

I stop what I’m doing and set down his hand. “I know he wouldn’t. But I don’t know how to be that person anymore. I’m not sure I’ll ever be her again.”

Ansel’s gaze locks on me, and I force myself not to turn away from him. “Baby steps, that’s how. One foot in front of the other even if you’re only moving inches at a time.”

It’s not lost on me that I need to do something. I have nowhere to go. I’m certainly not going to join my parents where my dad is now stationed. Another new town that’s unfamiliar, people who are unfamiliar, parents who are basically unfamiliar to me.

One of the things I was most excited about when I moved here with Caleb was to put down roots. I have to make it work in Echo Lake. Ansel’s right, I can’t keep going on like this, but I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of the isolation, though. Tired of being lonely.

“What would you have me do?”

Ansel sits up on the table, tucking the sheet in place. “Nothing huge at first. Just put yourself out there. Go out and do things with other people. Socialize a bit.”

“The only close friend I have is Nina, and she has Jacob. She’s not able to get out much.”