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“Fuck me!” I said, pulling the covers over my head.

This was worse than the damn first kiss. I couldn’t use I was drunk or grieving this time. Really, what kind of excuse could I come up with? I knew exactly what was going on and I knew how it made me feel. I threw the cover off and sat up. Guilt was going to be on my ass today. I got out of bed and walked straight into the bathroom to get myself ready for the day. I stayed in the shower a little longer than I had planned to. There wasn’t enough soap on earth to wash the memory of Shameek away. I could still feel the way his beard rubbed against my thighs. The way he looked up at me like he had something to prove as he ate me out.

When Shameek admitted to me that he had been thinking about the kiss since my anniversary, fucked my head up. He had me thinking he hated me. I spent all this time telling myself the first kiss meant nothing to him because he left so fast afterwards. I figured he was embarrassed for me. Shit, maybe even disgusted. Meanwhile, his ass had been carrying it around just like me. My phone started ringing from the bedroom while I was putting my makeup on. I had a feeling I knew who it was, so I ignored it. It had rung about four more times by the time I finished the curls in my hair. All of them were from Shameek.

Shameek: You up

Shameek: Ky answer the phone. We not doin’ this shit.

I hated when he called me Ky. He said it the same way that Rah used to say it. I just stared at his name before throwing my phone on the bed. What was I supposed to say to him? Thank you for eating my pussy last night. Or maybe Thanks for the amazing night. Or better yet, sorry your mama almost caught us. Like, let’s be for real. We knew this shit wasn’t going to work out. I grabbed my body oil and started getting dressed for work even though I hadn’t planned on going in until later. Royal Flush was the only place I knew how to disappear, without technically disappearing. If I stayed home, Shameek would eventually pop his ass up. At least at Flush there were employees, managers and security, so I wouldn’t have to be alone with him. My phone started going off again. This time it was Jaharee. I almost didn’t answer because I wasn’t ready for anybody’s voice, but if I ignored her, she would bring her ass over too.

“Hey.”

“Why do you sound like you’re tired?”

“Because I am. Unlike some people, I stayed at the event long enough for my feet to hurt in those damn shoes.”

“You left before me, so don’t start lying this early in the morning. I saw you slide out talking about a headache. I was calling to make sure you were feeling better.”

I sat at my vanity and stared at myself in the mirror.

“I’m good. I think I was just overwhelmed with everything yesterday. The foundation event was beautiful, but having Rah’s face on those screens, and everyone coming up talking about him, eventually got to be a lot. I needed to get home and get out of those clothes.”

That wasn’t exactly a lie.

“Well, I’m glad you came because mama was worried you were going to try and back out like Averie.”

“Nah, I don’t need her grilling me.”

“Right.” She laughed. “You want to grab lunch tomorrow? Just girl talk.”

“That sounds good. Call me tomorrow, and we’ll figure something out.”

“Bet, love you.”

“Love you too.”

As soon as I hung up with Jaharee, Shameek was calling again. This time I answered because I knew ignoring him all morning was only going to make his ass worse.

“What, Meek?”

“You been watchin’ that phone ring all damn mornin’ and now you finally decide to answer. Before you start wit’ the bullshit, I’m not callin’ to argue wit’ you. I need to kno’ where yo’ head at after last night, because you were damn near havin’ a nervous breakdown when I left.”

“I was not having a nervous breakdown. I was processing the fact that I had my husband’s brother’s face between my legs less than a year after burying him. I think I’m allowed to be a little fucked up about that without you calling it a nervous breakdown.”

“You makin’ it seem like I snuck in that bitch and forced you. I’m tryin’ to stop you from rewriting the shit because you woke up scared this mornin’.”

“I know exactly what happened, and that’s why I need some space from you. You walked out of here feeling good about what happened. Congratulations, but I didn’t. I woke up looking at Rah’s picture feeling like the worst woman in the world. So, forgive me if I don’t want to sit on the phone with you reminiscing about it.”

Shameek was quiet for a few seconds before he answered.

“I ain’t ask you once to reminisce. And I damn sure ain’t tellin’ you how to grieve my brother. What I’m sayin’ is don’t put all this guilt on yourself like you did something to Rah by feelin’ somethin’ after he died. You loved that nigga. Everybody in this family knows that. I kno’ better than most because I watched the shit. But you’re still here. That’s the fuckin’ part you keep actin’ like you supposed to apologize for.”

I stopped in my tracks because he was speaking fact.

“You don’t think I understand whose house I was in last night? I just don’t feel the same guilt you got ‘cause I ain’t lookin’ at it like we did somethin’ to Rah. My brother ain’t here, Kyenna. I wish like hell he was, but the nigga ain’t. Me feelin’ somethin’ for you didn’t put him in that grave.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”