Page 52

“Mom? You okay?”

Her voice was low when she spoke, but menacing. “How dare you.”

I stiffened. “What?”

She stepped closer. “Don’t you ‘what’ me. You know exactly what you did. Did you enjoy that?” She gestured to the ice, and I glanced over before looking back at her, trying to figure out what she wanted me to say.

“I’m confused. You organized a family event here. Did you expect me not to participate?”

What the hell was going on here?

She pointed a finger at me. “I saw you smiling. Enjoying yourself. Laughing with your boyfriend.” She spit out the last word like it should’ve been a curse word.

And it hit me what she was really upset about at the same time that my heart broke a little more.

“Am I not allowed to be happy, Mom?”

“No!” She didn’t even hesitate, and that almost hurt worse than the words that followed. “It should’ve been you,” she whispered as a tear slid down her cheek.

My mouth parted as shock and hurt hit me at once.

She shook her head, her tears falling faster. “Not my Bry—” She couldn’t finish his name before she started sobbing, and suddenly my dad was there with both my brothers.

Dad wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close while Jordan and Eric stared between us in horror. I stared at my mom, my body slowly going numb, apart from the warmth of Harry’s hand on my back. I wasn’t sure when he’d put it there.

Then my gaze slid to Jordan. “Why am I even here?”

His gaze was now filled with guilt and sorrow. “She needed a push. Yes, she lost a son, but she still has a daughter.” He stepped closer to me. “You’re my sister, Sam. I failed you by letting you run and hide for so long, but we need you. We don’t blame you for Bryce’s death.”

“She does,” I said, gesturing to our mom. There was no way to deny it now, not after what she said. My voice was hollow and resigned. “You’re never going to forgive me, are you?”

She was still sobbing into my dad’s chest, but even he couldn’t look at me.

“Before I left, you wouldn’t talk to me. You wouldn’t even look at me. You think I don’t blame myself? You think I just moved away and have been living my life happy as can be? Do you have any idea the kind of guilt and grief I’ve carried? I loved him too.” I sucked in a shuddering breath as years of pain and grief spewed from my mouth. “I loved him, Mom. He was my first best friend. You have no idea what I’ve lived with. None. Because you never bothered to ask. You never cared. You think it should’ve been me? You know what? You get your wish. Because as far as I’m concerned, I’m dead to you.”

I stepped away from Harry because if I let him comfort me right now, I’d shatter into a million pieces. And I wasn’t sure if even his love was enough to put me back together if I fell apart right this second.

The grief and guilt that were always inside me shifted, and rage rose up alongside them. The rage I’d never fully let myself feel because I’d carried that blame like my own personal cross.

“I was seventeen.” My voice was barely above a whisper, but it was clear enough for my mom to finally meet my gaze again. “I was a kid. I made a mistake—a horrible mistake—and I have hated myself for it every second of every single day since. I’ve spent five years trying to make up for it by being everything to everyone. I moved because I couldn’t stand to see you look at me the way you’re looking at me right now.” Tears were streaming down my face and I let them fall. “I lost him too, Mom. I lost Bryce and skating and my family all at once. And I’ve spent five years punishing myself, but it’s never once been enough for you.”

Mom’s mouth opened but nothing came out.

“I wished it was me.” My voice cracked so hard the words almost didn’t make it out. “I spent years wishing it was me instead of him, because at least then you’d still have the child you actually wanted.”

My mom’s expression twisted and I would’ve called it guilt, but I’d officially given up on her, which seemed fair since she gave up on me years ago.

“But I’m the one who’s alive and I’m done apologizing for it.” I glanced at Harry, feeling stronger just knowing he was here before I looked back at my mom. “Bryce would want me to be happy. So I’m going to be happy.” My voice wavered on the last word, weakening my point, but I couldn’t stand here any longer.

I turned and walked away from all of them, grabbing my shoes on the way. I’d swap out these skates quickly and then I was getting the hell out of here.

I’d had enough.

TWENTY-FOUR

Sam walked away from the group, and despite every instinct I had screaming at me to follow her, there was something I needed to do first.

Sally was still crying into Greg’s chest. Greg’s arm was around her shoulders, his face pale and drawn, and he hadn’t said a single word.