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I turn my head and look at my mother. She’s standing, but her shoulders are slumped slightly. She looks as though she’s been beaten down. The woman who was glowing when I arrived is gone. The creases of worry are etched on her face, and when she places her hands on her throat, I see a slight tremor. I almost want to ban Loa from her room, from our mother’s life because I’m sure it’s her that’s causing Rose distress. It’s the way Loa speaks to her, and I’m sure she’s learned that behavior from her father. I know because there are so many things that I’ve learned from mine.

I’ve never had the urge to protect someone so fiercely as I do right now. She’s my mother, the woman who gave me life and suffered all these years because she lived in fear of my father. She’s had no one in her corner, and I’ll be damned if I let her think that for another day.

I tip my head in agreement with Rhea. I’m not going to cause Rose any anguish, not when Loa is causing enough for the both of us. I’m going to bow out this time, but Loa better be ready to go head to head with me the next time, and I hope she likes defeat because there’s no way in hell I’m going to allow that brat to walk all over our mother another second.

Hawk

As soon as the crisp autumn air hits me, I feel the muscles in my neck relax. Lifting my head to the sky, I take a deep breath, calming the fury that’s simmering beneath my skin.

“She’s something else, huh?” Rhea says as she stands next to me. She shoves her hands in the back pockets of her jeans.

“She’s something,” I say before I run my hand over my face.

“You should try living with her.”

She looks down at the grass of the small yard they have next to the entrance. She kicks her toe into the sod, like a child, leaving an indention. She should be out with her friends, in college, living her life like other kids her age, but I don’t think that’s ever been an option for Rhea. Not when she’s lived in the shadow of her older sister all of her life. From what I can gather, she’s always been an after-thought. Loa has taken up all of her father’s time, leaving nothing for Rhea. And Rose, I’m not sure if having that close relationship was ever an option for her, something she and I have in common. I wonder if she would be different today if I were there for her when she was younger.

“I feel for you.”

She snaps her head towards me, and I can see it in her eyes, the need to argue, but that’s not what this is about.

“I’m not pitying you, Rhea, so calm down. I would never do that, but I can see how miserable she can make life and I was only in her presence for minutes. I could never imagine years dealing with that.” I throw my hand back towards the building.

“Well, when that’s the only thing you know, you tend to deal with it any way you know how.”

I turn my head slightly to the side so I can gauge her reaction. “The drinking?” I ask.

I know I’m treading on territory that can cause a huge rift between us. This isn’t the first time I’ve mentioned this, and she accused me of trying to play the ‘big brother’ role a little too late. Well, fuck it, if I had known about her, about either of them, I would have made sure I was a prominent fixture in their lives, with or without having any relationship with Rose or her husband. I’ve spent my life thinking that the only family I had was my piece of shit manipulative father and a woman who didn’t love me.

For years I witnessed the love Devin and Bianca showed their kids. Don’t get me wrong, they always showed love toward me. Bianca filled the role Rose walked away from. I’ve always believed that blood doesn’t make a family. I don’t see Sam any less because he doesn’t have my blood running through his veins. But, needless to say, there will always be that bond with those people who share your DNA.

She lifts her shoulders. “Among other things,” she says just above a whisper, and the insinuation brings back the simmer of fury

“Damn kid.” I let out an awkward laugh “I don’t wanna know…”

“Well, then don’t ask” she smarts back.

“Just because I don’t wanna know doesn’t mean that I don’t need to know. I think it’s the right of passage as your big brother.”

“Since when?” she mimics Loa’s response, but I know she’s doing it for a different reason.

“I’m not shitting you, Rhea. I didn’t know that either of you existed. I should have looked into finding Rose when I was younger, but there was so much resentment toward her for leaving me that I didn’t want to face it.”

“Why did she leave?”

It’s not my story to tell. “That’s something that Mom is going to have to tell you.”

“Is it weird for you to call her that?”

“Honestly, when I first showed up, yeah. I always told myself that if I never got the chance to see her again, I would never give her the pleasure of hearing me call her that. Being a mother is a privilege, and for my entire life, I thought she lost that when she left me, but I was wrong. She left because she was trying to be the best mother she could be.”

“She was never a bad mother. I don’t care what Loa or my father says. She was always there for us. We never went without, and it wasn’t because of my father’s money. It was because my mother made certain we didn’t. But she was never whole, she was always just going through the motions. She was there because she had to be. I never felt that she was there because she wanted to be.”

“I’m not sure what’s worse: her not being there physically, or her not being there emotionally.”

“There were many nights when I thought the same thing,” she confesses.

We stand in silence for a while, both playing through the memories we have of a mother we share, but who is entirely different in our eyes. When I hear the clicking of heels, I look up and see Loa making her way out of the building. I nudge Rhea, so she’ll notice her sister leaving. When Loa see us off to the side, she glares at us as she makes her way to a shiny red two-door coupe. She has a car, yet Rhea doesn’t even really have a steady roof over her head.