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Chapter 17

Lilah

For years, surviving amongst my family in my old life required me to push down and repress so many feelings. I was numb, going through the motions. Growing up, greed and pride ruled the people around me, and they would go to any lengths to protect their assets and reputation. The severing of ties, the entanglement of my self-worth from their responses, was hard to reverse. The extent of damage incurred wasn’t clear, even to me.

Every move, every decision—fuck, every action I took—was a way to appease the neurosis deeply ingrained in me. It was embarrassing, my reaction to the storm. I lost all sense of myself, of time and space. That was unacceptable.

That night, though…My time with Eliot was something I would never regret. He had seen me at my worst and barely batted an eye. His concern for me was clear in every word he spoke, every action he took. But it wasn’t until that night that I understood the full extent of what it meant to be with Eliot, to be a part of his world.

I didn’t for a second doubt him when he told me he killed people. Although we had yet to fully discuss the logistics of the club, I wasn’t naive. I knew they existed in a grey area between the law and criminals. None of it mattered to me. Eliot saw me—the real me.

He hadn’t tried to push MC life on me or brag about it. Every mention was a matter of fact. They were so tightly woven into his existence that the idea of not accepting the club didn’t really cross my mind. Instead, my curiosity was piqued, and I wanted to learn more about the people who helped Beth and Eliot.

Despite the time frame, they were quickly becoming the most important people to me in entirely separate ways. Beth was the closest thing to a best friend I’d ever had. The things I had told her were all true. It was the only time I had really been honest with anyone, including myself.

There was never judgment—or worse, sympathy. Instead, it was always understanding and acknowledgment. No pity, just strength. It was something I hadn’t realized I needed until then. With Eliot, deeply buried emotions and responses sparked to life. Part of me I hadn’t realized existed broke free, as if every molecule of my being was screaming for him.

“I have feelings for you, Lilah. So many I didn’t even know existed. And I want to take you out, but I need you to know what you’re getting into, because I don’t think I can let you go once I’ve had a taste of you.”

His words rolled through me, infusing my body with heat. Closing my eyes, I gave myself a moment to really absorb them, repeating the words in my mind.

“I’ve killed people. I will kill more. I will do whatever it takes to protect my brothers, my family, you. Anything.”

The warning in his tone was clear; he was trying to scare me away, show me the worst part of himself so I could leave without a guilty conscience. The result was the exact opposite, though. A deep desire unfurled within me, a long-buried craving to belong to someone, in life and death. For how long have I dreamed of someone who needed me in a way that supersedes anything else? More than money, fame, or success? Those thoughts were usually buried under shame, dismissed as unrealistic, not to mention a little deranged. What would my dating profile say? Touch her and die, but mean it.

Then I met Eliot. My avenging angel, my demon man. He was all I wanted. And I was sure he was all I needed to survive in this world. There was a sense of calm when he was around, like his mere presence blanketed the voices of doubt barraging me each day. The first time we met, I think a part of me knew that he was dangerous, but also that he was mine. Our existence was tied together. There was no me without him.

“I can’t let you go once I’ve had a taste of you.” The words ripped from him like a confession.

“You won’t hurt me.” It wasn’t a question. This was something I needed him to realize. I trusted him in every way.

“Never.” His response was quick, instinctual, as I continued.

“You’ll protect me.”

“Always.” A pledge. That last part of me, whatever it was holding back slipped into place, and my entire being gave a sigh. Finally unburdened, unrestrained, I could revel in the feelings and admit to them.

“I feel safe. With you. Only with you.”

Things moved quickly after that. When Eliot left me with Beth the following morning, she was only able to restrain herself for fifteen minutes. We were baking, our comments reserved to the recipes and quips about the storm, when finally, she decided to take control of the conversation.

“You and Eliot, then? It finally happened?” she asked with conviction. Not disappointment or excitement, just seeking confirmation.

“He asked me out, and I said yes. I want to see him. See things through. Neither one of us is good with the idea of a casual relationship. That’s as far as we got,” I told her, all of a sudden concerned about the line I had to toe.

Does dating Eliot mean I have to censor my thoughts? Our conversations? No one in my old life had believed me when I tried to explain the threat Kyle could become, why I called it off. But Beth, firmly and with confidence, backed me.

“Good. He’ll treat you right. Whether you guys become something or not, it doesn’t change what you and I have. And if it does, it’s his ass that’s gonna get whooped,” she told me, her eyes not looking up. Reaching out, I grabbed her hand, giving it a squeeze until she faced me.

“I’m scared. I don’t want to fuck up what you and I have. Our time together is what’s gotten me through. Made me realize how I was just going through the motions and not really living.” Clearing my throat, I hesitated, gathering my thoughts in the best way I could. “As your friend, though, I won’t lie about my feelings for Eliot. For too long, I let other people’s feelings govern my actions to mean more than my own. I promised myself…when I started over…that I would follow my feelings. I need to find some sort of faith in my instincts.” It felt like I was talking too fast and too slow at the same time, but the words poured out of me, each one tumbling out of my mouth as I pleaded my case to Beth. She reached out, her hand covering mine.

“Don’t worry, my precious girl. I’ll take you in whatever capacity I can. Neighbor, friend, or daughter. I’m blessed just to have this time with you.” Wiping away tears, I was grateful when the conversation moved to easier topics.

The next two weeks flew by in a mix of stress and excitement. The end of the semester was unpredictable, and with summer just around the corner, tourists were in town, which meant both the cafe and bar had a lot more patrons. When Eliot asked me out on a date, I froze. The idea of adding one more thing to my schedule had my brain glitching. Understanding dawned on him, and he postponed our official date night until after the semester ended.

That didn’t mean I didn’t see him regularly in the meantime. He called me at least once a day, and we texted every hour in between. My evening shifts at the bar had him showing up regularly. Soon, he brought different friends, introducing them one by one so as not to overwhelm me.

Bull, I recognized right away as one of the men in my kitchen the night of the storm. He was a huge man—taller than Eliot, who I knew to be at least 6’4. There was a large scar that cut across his face, giving him a dangerous and mysterious edge.