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“He was abusive,” Draven murmurs. “I was really young, but my mom says he was charming when they met. Once she got pregnant, he started to get manipulative, saying that he needed to have a boy. Once I came along, he said the house wasn’t clean enough, or that I was too loud. They fought where they thought I couldn’t hear, but he hit her. She was trying to get enough money together to leave, but he drained the bank account first and ran off with someone new when I was five years old. It’s the best thing that could have happened to us. He never looked back, but she couldn’t divorce him because she couldn’t find him. The courts said she didn’t look hard enough.”
I wince, thinking about how unfair that is.
“I bought her a house. She refused to let me get anything fancy, but it’s an upgrade from what she was renting. We treat my mother like a queen, and she treats Alastair and Ci like her own. Their parents are so fucked up, and they no longer speak to them. We have each other.”
His eyes tell me it’s not enough, and I shiver, though it’s not from the cold.
“I promised myself I wouldn’t do this.” Draven sighs as he stays where he is, treading water, and shakes his head to keep his hair out of his face. “We will live every day for you, Noor. Hell, we already have. We each have a different organization we work with that involves kids. It somehow made us feel closer to you, despite how that sounds. Ci started in college, I found a flyer at a local library one day and called it, and Alastair teaches kids how to play hockey.
“We keep it quiet, and the PR manager for our team isn’t allowed to ever mention it to the media. It’s not a stunt.”
“I didn’t think it was,” I rasp. “Why me? Why those things?”
“The Big sister, Big brother organization at The University of Denver appealed to Ci because some of those kids come from group homes or foster families. He said he liked hanging out with his little brother in the program, and that it helped fill a hole inside of him. Alastair is a really good teacher, and it just made sense.”
“What about you?” I ask.
“I accidentally became a baby cuddler,” he says. “The flyer was for working with kids who were at the hospital. The first day I went, I ended up in a room with a four month old. His mom was working, and he needed a bottle. I gave it to him, burped him, and cuddled him until he went to sleep. My schedule is insane, and sometimes I’ll have to come in to volunteer at odd hours. Babies don’t mind that. I get to smell the babies’ heads and I’ll think about what our baby would have smelled like.”
“Zayn smelled amazing,” I whisper, feeling tears welling up. “He was such a good baby.”
“I didn’t mean to make you cry…”
“Why does everyone panic when I do?” I ask.
“Because I’ve made you cry too often. I don’t like it. I want to make you laugh. Your entire face lights up when you do. Ugh. I should find my point, so here it is. I don’t know what your favorite color is or which song you like to blast when you need to dance around your room in underwear, but you’ve made an impression on my life that I’ll never forget. Just knowing you for the barest amount of time has made me a better person, even if that was never your cross to bear.”
“That’s very specific,” I breathe, my tears dripping into the pool.
“Isn’t that something girls do?” he chuckles. “I don’t do it in my underwear, but I like to do butterfly slides while listening to I Want to Feel the Heat by Whitney Houston. Does it make sense? Absolutely not. Does it make my slides sharp? Fuck yeah. Please don’t cry.”
“Ignore me?” I ask, drinking my water. If I’m going to cry, I may as well replenish the salt in my system.
“Can’t do that,” he grumbles. “I should probably get you back soon. Is there anything you want to ask me?”
“You know that what happened to me was an accident, right?” I ask. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a very long time. No one pushed me, though I wasn’t out on that cliff of my own volition. There are a long list of sins to lay at their feet, but that’s not one of them.
“We were still the reason you were there,” he sighs. “How did you get out?”
“I almost didn’t,” I say, staring at the water. “I don’t swim well, even now. Jared is still teaching me, but it’s not a skill set that comes easily to me. I swallowed a lot of water, doggy paddled, and used whatever skills he was able to show me to get out of the water when I fell off the cliff. The initial drop stunned me.
“I just laid on the ground once I was out and tried to figure out how to breathe after I threw up a lot of water. I’m pretty sure I lost consciousness too. I have no idea how much time went by when I finally got up and stumbled up the path to the parking lot, but I asked for a ride and a change of clothes. A girl named Sage helped me with both, and she let me call Rachelle. That call is probably the only reason why you’re alive.”
“Fuck.” Draven almost goes back under the water again but manages not to. “Why did you choose San Diego?”
“It was the first train out of Santa Barbara,” I breathe. “It could have been going to Timbuktu for all I cared. Rachelle promised that Theo would find me through the video cameras. And he did. I never looked back.”
“Whatever you decide, is the right thing to do,” he finally says after a period of silence. “You could have told us to fuck ourselves, Noor. We can’t go back in time, but God do I wish I could.”
Draven swims closer to me and I drop both legs into the water. I’m starting to realize exactly how deep it actually is now that I’m paying attention.
His arms brace himself on either side of my legs and he takes a deep breath as I swallow hard. His thumbs move over my skin and I don’t think he realizes it.
“I need you to listen to me for a second, okay?” he asks. He looks so earnest, I promise myself I’ll do this one thing and then harden my heart again.
Because it’s one thing to go on dates with Draven and his friends to see if they’ve changed enough to meet my son. It’s an entirely different situation to be stupid enough to fall in love with them.
The last time I did a stupid thing around them, I got pregnant and fell off a cliff. How many lessons does a girl need to learn before they finally sink in?
