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“Why did you try to forget it?” she asks.

“Protection,” I say easily. “If I forgot him, what happened between us didn’t hurt.”

“Is that why you downplayed your relationship with him when we met?”

“It’s one of the reasons. I was also angry at him because of the words we said to each other when we last spoke.”

“Can you tell me?” She rubs her thumb over my knuckle in a comforting motion, her pale-blue eyes appearing darker with the setting sun, like the sky turning colors right before a storm.

“Do you promise not to hate me if I do?”

Quinn presses her lips together, hand pulsing in mine. “I could never hate you.”

A little nagging voice in the back of my head says that she can and she will, just like Beck hates me. But what other choice do I have? The puck has already left the stick. This is my only way forward.

Our only way forward.

“Beck and I were roommates at Hollis-McKinnon Academy.”

“Roommates?” Quinn asks. “You always told me you were classmates and teammates.” There’s no anger in her voice, just questions and slight confusion.

“We were those things, too.” I swallow. “But we came to the school at the same time and got put in a room together. Both of us were sixteen. He was on scholarship for a right-wing position, and me—well, you know that story.”

“That your parents paid for you to go after your coach convinced them it was the best path for you to have a career in hockey.”

I nod. “The first day, we hit it off right away despite how different our paths were getting there.”

My heart thumps louder in my ears when I think of the moment we met. He was already in the dorm room, stuff set up. I tripped over the lip between the doorway and the entrance. I would have fallen flat on my face had he not caught me.

His chocolate-brown eyes, so full of youth and big dreams, met mine when he stood me upright. His laughter was so big and boisterous, so unlike mine, it made me laugh, too.

That moment altered me, changed me. It was the moment I felt true butterflies for a guy, not just a small crush on someone through a TV screen. It was when I realized what I’d already known but hadn’t labeled: that I was bi.

It was a lot then, and it’s just as heavy now—especially when I haven’t let myself think about him or the boy I knew at school since everything ended the day we graduated.

I clear my throat of the emotions attempting to choke me. I need to get the rest out before I can’t anymore.

“We became best friends, and for a year, that’s how it stayed. Our sexual relationship didn’t start until summer break before senior year. We stayed at school, wanting to get in extra hours on the rink and with the coach. The dorms were fairly empty, and since we only had a few hours of summer school each day alongside practice, we found other ways to occupy our time. He was many of my firsts, including my first intimate male partner—”

“You had a safe word,” Quinn cuts in.

A choppy breath rattles from my lungs, but I manage to speak again and not think more about what made Beck and I use a safe word. “Yes. We explored a lot, including aspects of kink. We did many things, but we never publicly dated or told anyone about us. I never called him my boyfriend, and if Beck tried to bring it up, I’d change the subject.”

“Because you were afraid of what the team would think?”

“The team, my parents. You know how conservative and overbearing they are.”

“I do,” she grumbles.

“But it was more than that. We were both so young, and I couldn’t deal with coming out while I was trying to chase my dreams. My dad had me under so much pressure to be the best, and anything else felt like too much. Beck said he understood. He was chasing the same dreams, too, even if his parents were far more open and understanding than mine. But I knew he didn’t always get my reasoning.

“When school ended, we committed to separate NCAA D1 colleges to continue our development, him Denver and me Michigan. He wanted to come out after graduation, try long distance.”

“And you said no.”

The moments from graduation day ignite in my mind like wildfire, setting the kindling that was left behind in my memories ablaze.

“Fuck you, Noah. You think dating you has been easy for me?”