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“I didn’t say that. I love my boys, both of you. But if you choose to walk away from me after everything I’ve sacrificed to ensure you have a good life, then that’s your choice.” Dropping his arms, he sat up, fire emitting from him as he continued talking. “You think I didn’t have dreams? Things that I wanted to do before your mother and then you two came along? Life isn’t about doing what you want to do. It’s about doing what you have to do to take care of your responsibilities. I won’t apologize for that, no matter how terrible of a father the two of you paint me out to be.”

Almost immediately, it was as if a lightbulb went off. The answer was so clear that it made me wonder how I didn’t pick up on it before. My dad didn’t harp on our decisions because he disapproved of them.

He was jealous. And I didn’t know how to feel about that. As far back as I could remember, my father had never spoken of anything other than the military. There were no conversations about dreams deferred due to him enlisting.

And although he retired, he kept up with his battle buddies who were still alive, reliving his glory days. It was almost as if the shit was ingrained in his DNA. I would have bet an entire paycheck that he came out of the womb itching to serve his country.

“No one took your decisions away from you, Pop. You could have still followed your passions⁠—”

“And then what? Passion doesn’t pay the bills or keep a roof over your family’s head. It doesn’t buy diapers for your children, put food in the refrigerator, or pay for braces when they’re needed. I gave up everything I wanted to care for my family, only for them to spit in my face.”

And just like that, we were right back at square one. He was blaming everybody else for him being alone instead of acknowledging his faults.

“Pop, I get it. Jude and I both appreciate everything that you and Ma have done for us. We’ve never taken it for granted. Our problem is with the way you treat us. We can’t come to you about anything without being criticized or you nitpicking what we could have done better in the situation.”

“That’s not true.”

“Look at me and Kins. When I talked to you before proposing and tried to tell you that I didn’t think it was the right move, you pushed me into it anyway. And when the shit went left, you came at me like I did something wrong instead of accepting that she didn’t want to marry me.”

“Encouraging you to make things work with Kinsley wasn’t because I thought you’d done something wrong. I didn’t want you to make the same mistake that I made with your mother.”

Now that damn near left me floored. For as long as they’d been separated, my father had never acknowledged the demise between him and my mom. He kept on every day as if life were normal. For a while, I’d started to believe that she’d been a means to an end for him.

But the regret he wore now had me thinking completely differently.

“Honestly, I didn’t even think the separation bothered you. You never talk about it.”

“What is there to say? She left.”

“I don’t know, maybe that you loved her or wanted her back. You should have done something other than just leaving things the way that they were.”

“Like you did with Kinsley?”

Picking at my sandwich, I snorted. “That’s different. Kins and I were only compatible on a surface level. And you know what, to a certain extent, I was wrong in that relationship. I molded it off of what I used to see between you and Ma, focusing on being a financial provider and cutting her off from everything else. She might not be perfect, but she was right to choose not to marry someone who wouldn’t open himself up to her.”

I still hadn’t told my parents about seeing Kinsley with another nigga, and I never would. But my anger faded a little more with each passing day. The more time passed, the easier it was to take accountability for my role in our demise and become comfortable with recognizing my flaws.

“That was three years of your life, James. It’s impossible to think that you don’t care about that time going down the drain.”

“Maybe before, I would have pushed on as if I didn’t care. But now, I’m comfortable acknowledging that I do. But I don’t miss her or what we had. All of those years were the foundation for whatever path I’m about to walk in life, and I don’t regret that. So, I can’t regret her or view the time we spent together as a waste.”

“Hmm,” my dad hummed. I could almost see the wheels turning in his head.

“Anyway, I didn’t reach out to you to talk about any of that. I love you, Pop. We all do. Even Ma, in her own way. But shit is never going to change if you can’t take the steps to drop your pride and take responsibility for the role that you’ve played in this. We can’t make you. We also don’t have to keep you in our lives. That’s up to you.”

He didn’t respond, and that stoic expression he usually wore was back in place. I couldn’t read him, but I hoped he was listening. I was dead ass serious. I loved my father, but I wouldn’t hesitate to remove anything negative from my space.

Him included.

“You told him what!?” My mother screeched, shooting to her feet.

Sighing heavily, I hurriedly pulled my shoe on, anxious to get out of the house. The morning had flown by quicker than expected, thanks to me taking on a last-minute personal project. Nyx’s spoken word was starting soon, and I still had to get across town. My mom and her random ass visit was slowing me down. Especially since we’d gotten on the subject of my father and the lunch we’d had a few days prior.

“Ma, relax, it’s not that deep.”

“The hell if it’s not when you’re out here fixing your lips to tell that man that I still care for him.”

I threw a knowing look her way, “Don’t you?”