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My emotions were already in a blender as it was, there was no way I planned to tell Jude that prior to Kinsley ending our engagement, I’d had doubts about our relationship as well.
“I don’t know what I want,” I admitted. “Other than for things to make sense logically.”
“Then you need to talk to your girl,” he advised, leaning back in his chair. “You wear that poker face well, but I know you. Have a convo with Kins, and find out what’s up. If you don’t, you’re only going to torture yourself with a bunch of different scenarios.”
Silence blanketed us for a while as I mulled over his words. Part of me regretted even saying anything in the first place.
“I’m good,” I concluded. “I got enough answers I needed when she turned me down. We ain’t meant to be together. I’m good with that.”
“Yeah, you’re so good, with your cool ass, that you’re holed up in the office with a guitar, hiding from the world.”
“Weren’t you the one complaining about how you never thought I’d get back to it?”
Grinning, Judah held up his hands. “I am. But I want you to do what you love just off the strength of loving to do it. Don’t use your gift as your only means of escape. That shit ain’t healthy, and you’re robbing yourself of living life the way you want to. Not the way that nigga who raised us wants you to live it.”
“See,” I laughed. “I knew Pop would end up in the conversation one way or another.”
“You damn right,” Judah frowned. “I hate when you start acting like his unemotional ass. Shit ain’t right.”
“You don’t give him enough credit, you know that? He’s not all that bad.”
“And you give him too much credit,” he argued. “But to be fair, you’ve always looked for the best in people. It’s something I wish I did more. And it’s the reason why I don’t think you’re as cool with Kinsley ending things as you pretend to be. You have a tendency to need to understand why something happened in order to accept it.”
Ignoring his last statement, I picked the guitar back up. “I thought you said you came here to work? Seems like you’re doing more talking than working to me.”
Laughing, Judah reached for the bank bag where I’d compiled all of the financial information for the day for him to sort through in the morning. “I did. Giving you unsolicited advice while doing so makes me a good brother.”
“Depends on who you’re asking.”
“Speaking of advice, I’d advise you to call your mama. She hit me up yesterday asking why you’ve been ducking her calls. You may as well tell her what’s up before she turns into a bloodhound.”
“Her dramatic ass,” I snorted. “She’s called me once. I’ll talk to her, though. You just keep your mouth shut about my business in the meantime.”
Judah chuckled but didn’t respond. Not that he’d have a comeback anyway. That nigga couldn’t hold water, and everyone knew it.
Falling into a rhythm, we retreated into our corners of comfortable silence, him working, and me processing our conversation.
Typically, I wasn’t the type to let emotion dictate my actions. I prided myself on keeping a cool head and dealing with things rationally. Which I’d been doing until Judah came along talking shit.
Now, I wasn’t sure what the hell to do.
“What the fuck am I doing here?” I muttered, feeling extremely out of place.
I’d fought against it, hard, but my last conversation with my brother had taken root and wouldn’t let go. As a result, I was heading to Kinsley’s doorstep with a bouquet of lilies I’d grabbed from a florist not far from her house and no plan on how to broach a conversation with her about what happened between us.
It’d taken three days, but I was there.
I’d never ever admit it to him, but Judah was right. I needed clarity as to what the fuck happened, and the only person I’d get it from was the woman herself. The urge to avoid Kins at all costs was strong, but conversing was a necessary evil to even try to begin to work through whatever the hell we had going on.
As I approached the steps leading up to her porch, the front door swung open. Nothing could have prepared me for what was on the other side. Wearing a huge smile, Kinsley damn near floated out of the house with a guest on her tail.
I could never remember her flashing all thirty-two teeth that excitedly while with me. Her steps stuttered when it finally dawned on her that I was standing there. Kinsley froze, in turn holding up the man behind her.
“Jamie?” Her voice was quiet as she shifted guiltily. “What are you doing here?”
I may have felt like a fucking idiot, but I would have died and gone to hell before I let her see it.
“Receiving an answer I needed.” Clenching my jaw, I fiercely shook my head.