Page 5 of Oh, Christmas Con

“Hi, I’m Jacks. This might sound like a silly question, but it comes up a lot with my boyfriend. So he’s recently become vegan…”

A smattering of boos came from the audience.

“I know, right?” Jacks said. “Anyway, it’s become his whole personality, and I am having trouble navigating this, to put it kindly. I can’t even watch a TV commercial for chicken wings without him listing seventeen reasons why it’s offensive, for crying out loud.”

“Dr. Maye?” Chris said. “Would you like to begin?”

“Well, first off, I do not have a doctorate. I have a bachelor’s in Psychology and a Master’s in Social Work with a concentration in counseling and mental health. So, just Maye is fine.”

“Alright, just Maye,” Perfect-Faced Chris corrected himself. “Would you like to begin?”

“So any phase of over-identification or identity overcorrection can be difficult for everyone involved. Typically, I’d go deeper and want to know more about what is happening in this person’s life to cause a major shift. The first thing you can do is just be supportive, which it seems like you are doing because you are identifying that it’s become difficult for you and you want to make it better. That’s a good thing. You should give yourself grace and acknowledge that you are making a real effort. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Next, at a very high-level understanding that this is not a professional context and there is a lot more work that goes into this, you could set boundaries for the feedback from your boyfriend. For example, if during meals he is criticizing what you’re eating, tell him calmly, before a meal, that you would like to not talk about the food you are each eating. Tell him you want to enjoy your meals together and that having to defend and debate while you’re trying to spend time together is not fun for you. Another simple technique you could try is to separate his behavior from him as a person. If there are specific behaviors that bother you, address those rather than him as a whole. This way he can control those specific behaviors and hopefully this transition and life change can be smoother for you.”

For a moment, no one made a sound. Chris had a stunned look on his face as his head darted around. Finally, he spoke up. “Wow.” He began to clap, and the audience joined in. “That was incredible! You just knew all of that?? That was really good.”

A wave of relief washed over Maye, followed by an intense jolt of adrenaline. She had never been put on the spot in front of a live audience before. It wasn’t exactly a spectator sport. But in this specific case, it went about as well as it could have.

The audience settled, and Chris composed himself as he prepared to offer his two cents about Jacks’s situation. “Mm,” he nodded thoughtfully and then crossed his arms over his chest. “Jacks?” He scrunched his forehead and forced a frown, demonstrating an excruciatingly confused look. “Why do you hate animals so much?”

Maye gasped, appalled at the rude, condescending question. She couldn’t believe what she heard, or…what she was seeing. Instead of being shocked or offended, both Jacks and the audience were curled over laughing. Jacks’s face was as red as a raspberry, and she was holding up her hand as if she were surrendering. No more, please! No more!

The laughter grew even more intense when Chris pointed out Maye’s look of horror on the screen. “Maye,” he said between fits of laughter. “You look absolutely shocked. I wish you could see. Oh, wait, you can!”

“I look how Jacks should feel!” Maye countered. “Your judgement is totally uncalled for. You could really hurt someone’s feelings with your words, you know.”

“I’m just doing what my character Robbie did in the movie A Tango, Tango, One, Niner Holiday. You see, Robbie was a high school football quarterback who lost his coordination a week before the state championship game. Even worse, it was right before Christmas! He took dance classes to regain his muscle memory and won the game on the last play. As the clock ticked down and his team was down by three points, he recognized the defensive scheme. Some called it preparedness; some called it Christmas magic. He called an audible, a brand-new audible he and the coach had developed for that defense specifically. It was called ‘Tango, Tango, One Niner.’”

Maye stared blankly, unsure what this had to do with his crude animal joke. Chris stared back with a look like he was expecting Maye to say something. Finally, he continued.

“The play worked, and we won the state football championship, in case you were wondering.”

“What exactly does this have to do with Jacks and her situation?” Maye asked.

“Well,” Chris said. “That character Robbie, undefeated as QB all four years,” he hurriedly added, “He had a way of responding in situations where if he didn’t know what to say, he would answer a question with another question and turn it back on the other person.” Chris nodded and tapped his head.

“Ohhh, I see,” Maye said. “So you admit that you’re totally unqualified and should not be asked for relationship advice.”

“No,” Chris quickly replied. “No, that’s not what I said at all. What I said was I have certain strategies to help people think through their own questions. It worked every time for Robbie and I think it’s a great idea now.”

“It’s terrible advice,” Maye said. “Jacks, please, don’t listen to anything this man says. Not about relationships, not about animals, and certainly not about how to appropriately dress for the temperature.”

“Hey! What’s wrong with the way I dress??” Chris looked amused.

“Allow me to answer your question with another question,” Maye quipped. “Why are you wearing a t-shirt and a scarf?”

“Ouch, but respect,” Chris said as he pounded his fist against his chest. “The student has become the master. Touche.” Chris put together prayer hands and bowed.

“I don’t think you can do that,” Maye said. “And I believe the word you’re looking for to describe your question-with-a-question technique is ‘deflecting’. You are deflecting and you have added nothing.”

Maye was surprised at how comfortable she had become. This experience was entering fun territory.

“Wow, don’t hold back, Maye,” Chris said. “I’d hate to be your boyfriend. You must see right through everything he tries to pull off.”

Maye felt the smirk fade from her face. She could actually see it happening in real time on the big screen, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She fought the urge to look away, to escape under a heap of blankets and pillows and protect herself from feeling so exposed. Until that moment, she had been distracted from her heartache, but now it was back.

“Uh oh,” Chris rubbed his chin. “I think I detect a little sadness? Did I go too far? Sorry, technically that was two questions, but I feel like I struck a chord there. I’m getting carried away, I’m really sorry…”

Boy, he’s good, she thought. “Nope,” she forced a perky smile back onto her face. “This isn’t about me. Plus, I don’t think any of the characters you’ve played would understand a dimensional emotion like sadness, would they?”