Page 279 of Safe With You

“When it’s just us talking or hanging out, I know you’re not Lucas.”

Ellis didn’t react to the name.

“But then something happens that feels familiar, and I don’t know. I guess I go back to what I know.”

“Like trying to clean my kitchen?”

A small laugh escaped me.

“It sounds stupid when you say it like that.”

“I didn’t say it was stupid.”

“I know.”

I set the remote on the coffee table and considered leaving it there for a moment. We didn’t have to have this conversation tonight, and Ellis wasn’t asking me to.

That was probably why I kept going.

“Lucas used to keep score.”

Ellis shifted slightly beside me.

“Score?”

I nodded.

“It wasn’t like that in the beginning.”

Even then, I felt the need to say that first. Maybe because five years was a long time to spend with somebody if every memory was terrible.

Mine weren’t.

“There were good years,” I said. “Really good ones.”

Ellis didn’t interrupt.

“I loved him.”

“I know.”

The answer came so easily that I looked at him.

There was nothing strange in his expression. No discomfort because I said I loved somebody before him. No need to make what I had with Lucas smaller so whatever this was with Ellis could feel bigger.

I looked down at my hands.

“Somewhere along the way, everything started having a price.”

“What do you mean?”

“If he did something for me, I needed to remember it. If I asked for too much, eventually I’d hear about everything he’d already done. If he showed up for something, I was supposed to be grateful that he made the time.”

I paused.

“And I was.”

That was the part that was difficult to explain.