Page 67 of The Pakhan’s Hidden Heir

Next month it’s three years since I left Bastian, and the regret died about two years ago. I’m content, albeit a bit lonely, but I’m hoping Lada will agree to come visit soon.

We haven’t talked about it outside of wishful thinking, but I want to ask her. I’m hesitant to try making new friends here. What would I tell them about Felix when his papers don’t match his name?

The letter’s made out to “Elena,” printed in Lada’s looping handwriting with no return address just the way I taught her. I catch myself smiling, reading where she asks whether Felix has started swearing yet, whether his hair’s gone dark the way she swore it would, then a line about being lonely without me. I feel the same way, which is why I want her to come.

I never thought living alone would be so isolating.

Plenty of mothers at the park have invited me to join their clubs and socials.

Sewing and knitting, a reading club, and the parents’ group that supports activities for children at the library.

But I’ve taken Akim’s warnings very seriously.

I won’t jeopardize my safety here with my son. I have to stay hidden.

I’m about halfway done reading the letter when Felix grabs my sleeve, holding up the crumbled last bite for me to see. “Mommy!” he jabbers, smearing chocolate on my wrist and the sleeve of my jacket. I smile at him and set the letter on my lap, turning to face him so he has my undivided attention.

“Good?” I ask him, wiping the chocolate off his chin.

He’s so messy when he eats, which reminds me of my grandmother when she was in the final stage and I had to spoon feed her.

I miss her. I wish she could’ve gotten to meet Felix. She would’ve loved him dearly, just like she loved me.

He crams it in his mouth, cheeks bulging, and I fold Lada’s pages back into the envelope and push them down into my bag. I’ll have to finish it at home, but I came to send her a letter, which I already have prepared. I carry it to the counter and slide it across, and the clerk scoops my coins and stamps the corner, dropping it in the bin.

“Come, Felix,” I tell him, scooping him up, “let’s go home now.”

He isn’t happy about the ninety-minute drive, but it’s what I have to do to keep him safe. I live in Narym and drive to Asino just for these letters.

At least this old beat-up car I’m driving gets me where I need to go. I felt like buying something used would be more suited to me rather than buying a new expensive car.

I have no one to protect me here in Narym.

Announcing I have money would be no good.

Felix nods off on the drive, and by the time I get him home I’m exhausted. I unload him, turning toward the old cabin I bought when I moved here, and see Darnell standing at my mailbox with a smile. He always has a kind word, always a smile for me, though his advances aren’t always welcome.

I squirm a little as I pause and wait for him to walk up to me. I always feel so bad rejecting him.

He’s such a sweet man, but my situation is too complicated. I can’t imagine thinking about dating someone, let alone having any sort of serious relationship. It would draw attention, which would be bad.

“Hey, Elena,” he says softly, grinning at Felix with his head cocked as he holds out my mail. It’s mostly bills, because I don’t let anyone I know actually mail things here. I’m not good at pretending to be someone else, and maybe someday I won’t have to. But for now it’s the only way to keep Bastian off my trail and Felix safe.

“Hi, Darnell.” I take the mail and turn Felix away from him. It makes me feel exposed knowing people know what he looks like. We keep to ourselves on purpose.

I have no idea where or when Bastian may look for us. He’s a powerful man with a lot of money. Part of me thinks he’s probably hired special people just to find me.

“He’s adorable, all sleepy like that. Want me to help you in?” He nods at the door but I back away, feeling tense. He’s such a sweet guy. If it weren’t for my situation with Felix and feeling afraid of what Bastian may do, I might consider dating him. God knows I need someone to get my head uncluttered. I’ve been hung up on Bastian for too long. It’s not happening. I have to move on.

And Darnell is cute too. Not the rugged handsome man Bastian is, and I doubt he has a single tattoo on him. But he seems to be a good man, not a criminal. I think Lada would even approve of this one. Still… My situation won’t allow it.

“That’s okay,” I say quietly as Felix starts to stir. “I can manage. But thank you.” I know if I shoot him down enough, he’ll stop coming around like this. He’ll just deliver the mail like he’s supposed to. It makes me sad, that little pout he does as rejection hits him again and again, but it’s for his own good.

If Bastian came after me and found another man in my bed, there’d be hell to pay. There’d be hell to pay anyway, but this way is safer for a random sweet man who just wants to help.

“Alright, you have a good evening,” Darnell says, still smiling, but his smile has faded slightly. I watch his shoulders droop and his face fall. It’s not predatory in any way either, which really sucks even more. There are a thousand single women in this town alone who would jump at the chance to date a nice guy. I’m just the loser he picked because I keep turning him down.

He heads off and I head inside, sitting Felix on the chair by the kitchen table while I undo his coat. The chocolate needs washed off, but for now I just need to unbundle us both. It’s cold out there and warm in here, and I don’t want him overheating.