Page 56

"No?"

"If my mom was alive, she would come and see me."

Such a simple answer that breaks my heart all over again. "Maybe she couldn't."

"Nope." Illyana dips her head. "If she were alive and out there somewhere, she would come and find me, and she would see me, and she would take me on holiday. She wouldn't leave me here with horrible Uncle Mario. Moms always come. I know that. And she never has because she's dead."

It's such a simplistic way of looking at things, but it's the single most painful thing I've ever heard. The sting at the back of my throat turns into shards of glass and I bite back a rising sob.

"Sorry…" I stand quickly and duck my head away from her. "Sorry, I had to pee. Be right back!" The words fly tightly out of me and I nearly sprint from the room, out the door, past Cassian's worried form, and out the next door onto the walkway overlooking the ocean.

As soon as the cool sea air floods my lungs, the tears come and I cage my hands around my mouth.

"Sabina?" Cassian's warm tones rise up behind me and then he appears next to me at the railing.

"I…" The words choke me. "I don't even know why I am crying. Last time, I said I never felt anything when she touched me, so what does it matter if she thinks I'm dead? It shouldn't upset me because she's right. I should have come for her."

"Take a few deep breaths," Cassian instructs, and he gently clasps my elbow. "In through your nose and out through your mouth."

I try as he leads me away from the railing and toward some seats set up near the wall, but each breath comes in a gasp. I sit, and he kneels down in front of me with his hands on my knees.

"In and out," he soothes. "Follow me."

I do my best to. Pressure swells inside my chest, and tears pour down my cheeks, but after two minutes of raggedly following Cassian's pattern, I'm able to breathe much more smoothly.

"I'm sorry," I gasp weakly. "I don't know what happened."

"I do. This is an intense, unbelievably hard situation. There's no rule book for how this is supposed to go or how you're supposed to feel. The important thing is that you feel it… and we can work through it. Together."

I lock eyes with him and nod. "It broke my heart the way she spoke about me, but I can't blame her. She's ten. She's smart. She understands stuff with her health, she thinks Mario is a bully, and she seems so lost about her father never being around. Of course, she would tell herself that if her mom were alive, then she would come for her."

"You would have," Cassian replies. "Remember, you told me you looked for her. You did your best against impossibly cruel people. And, Sabina, you're here now."

"What right do I have to be sad about this?" I catch my tears with my knuckles and wipe them away. "I didn't even feel anything yesterday."

"Maybe you did and it's taken this long to unlock. That's okay. Emotions are a process. The important thing is that we take this one step at a time."

A weak, soft laugh escapes me. "You're talking like some kind of wellness guru."

"I dabble." He grins. "The first step is getting Illyana to New York. After that, everything will be easy."

"Promise?" I ask, not really needing him to, because there's no way this will be easy.

"I promise," Cassian says, then his gaze drifts to my rolled up sleeve. “Wow, I never saw this in the pool. Although I wasn’t looking at your arm. It’s beautiful.”

“You think so?” Glancing down through my unshed tears, I study the bright colors and smile.

Cassian suddenly stands as the doctor steps onto the walkway and spots us.

"Ah! Just the people I was looking for."

"Is it Illyana?" I lurch upward abruptly, suddenly terrified that my abrupt exit affected her. "Is she alright?"

"She's fine. She's fine. I just wanted to give you the news." The doctor glances between both of us with a smile. "Sabina, you are a perfect match for Illyana. If you choose to, your kidney will save her life."

23

CASSIAN