Page 19 of Mariah

“You’re right. I misspoke. Is that a normal thing for you to feel after a spanking?”

Mariah shrugged. “Maybe. Kinda. I think it’s worse this time because it wasn’t a punishment. My brain doesn’t know how to process that.”

Before he could respond, she posed a question. “Can I ask… why you don’t do punishments?”

Anxiety burned his chest as he contemplated how to respond. Being truthful felt like the right thing to do, but he also felt like if he did, there would be no going back. Opening his mouth, he chose his words carefully. “Remember how I told you I used to be a Daddy?”

Mariah bobbed her head up and down and waited for him to continue.

“I had a Little whom I loved very much. Her name was Kaylie.”

“What happened to her?” Mariah asked with a gasp. Her lower lip trembled, and he realized she was already thinking the worst.

“Nothing happened to her.” He rushed to correct her assumption. “We had to break up.”

“You left her? You were her Daddy and you left her?”

Mariah looked horrified and Graham felt like an idiot. He sighed and set the knife down on the counter. “This is why I don’t like talking about this.”

“I’m sorry,” Mariah said immediately. “I asked the question so I’ll stop interrupting and let you answer.”

“Thank you.” Graham exhaled a sigh of relief. It was hard enough to get his story out without the constant interruptions. “I know a Daddy isn’t supposed to leave his Little girl and it broke my heart to do so, but Kaylie… she needed help. And it ended up being the kind of help that I couldn’t give her, no matter how hard I tried.”

“Oooh. Was she sick?” Mariah asked, then clapped her hand over her mouth.

“In a way, yes, I suppose she was. Kaylie didn’t like herself very much, and no matter how much love and affection I showered on her, no matter how much I spoiled her, or what steps I took to assure her she was safe and she could count on me, that never really changed. Kaylie used punishments as a replacement for self-harm. She would do whatever it would take to get the worst punishment she could. And no matter how much I followed it up with aftercare and affirmation and told her she was a good girl, she told herself the opposite.

“She liked the adrenaline and dopamine a spanking would give her, but she hated herself so much, it was never enough. She never wanted to obey my rules, but she also had no respect for my personal boundaries. She saw them as another way to get what she wanted and didn’t care that she was actually hurting me. I tried everything I could think of but nothing worked. And soon I realized I didn’t like the person I was becoming as a result of that relationship. I was an anxiety-ridden miserable mess.”

When he finally looked up at Mariah, he saw that she was staring at him with a devastated expression on her face.

Setting down her knife she covered his hand with hers. “I’m very sorry that happened,” she said. Then she frowned, knitting her eyebrows together. “Did you try maintenance with her?”

“I did. The result was the same.”

“Oh.”

That was all she said but he could see the unspoken question in her eyes. If both things had gotten the same result, why was he against punishment, but not maintenance?

He swallowed thickly. It was a good question. One he was currently asking himself. But he wasn’t ready to examine that too much at the moment. “If you’re still struggling with guilt, you should talk to Baze about it,” he offered. He was starting to reconsider some of his previous assumptions and bias, but he wasn’t about to flip a complete one-eighty overnight.

Mariah seemed to read his mind. “I’m not sure how I feel about maintenance yet. But you believe in it, so I can accept that. Just…”

She trailed off and he could tell she really wanted to say something.

“Just what?” he asked, prompting her to continue.

“Just… do you think… next time… I could maybe get a hug after?”

Feeling like a jerk, he stepped back and held out his arms. He could see that the gesture was not what she expected, but after only a moment’s hesitation, she all but ran into his arms, and hugged him tightly around the waist. He wrapped his arms around her back and couldn’t help but inhale her sweet scent. He was surprised to find that he had missed the physical contact and that he honestly truly cared for Mariah. Maybe even in the way a Daddy cared for a little.

She broke the hug finally, and resumed her place at the counter, chopping vegetables.

“I’m sorry I didn’t think to do that earlier,” he said. “Do you feel better now?”

“Much.”

Graham smiled. He felt a lot better too.