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Chapter 5

Reno Thiers

I don’t know how to act once we’re both thrown back into the cell. I kind of expected them to let us sleep tied up in the room like they used to, but I guess they won’t take that risk anymore.

Nasir is slumped in a corner, cradling his bleeding knee. I want to reach out to him, but he must hate me now. I just threw him to the wolves. I didn’t mean to. I really didn’t want him to get hurt. When Cirail threatened to hurt me, I panicked. I couldn’t think straight. When I begged him not to hurt me, I wasn’t asking him to hurt Nasir instead. I just… I can’t take any more pain. I just can’t.

And, of course, I was acting like a desperate whore the whole time. I didn’t mean to, but it’s like I slipped back into the jester persona as soon as they started touching me, out of habit or fear, I don’t know. Conditioning, maybe. Somehow, that sounds even worse.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, my voice strained. It’s nowhere near enough, but it’s all I can manage right now.

“It’s not your fault.” Nasir shakes his head. “Hell, it hurts so much.”

“I’m so sorry,” I repeat, my heart clenching. It’s pathetic, I know, but what else can I say?

“Reno, it’s not your fault,” Nasir repeats, looking into my eyes. “It’s Cirail’s. And Dornao’s. And…” He averts his eyes. “And mine. We wouldn’t be there if I had been more careful, if I had taken more time to think and ask for your opinion instead of rushing headfirst into the first idea that crossed my mind. I’m the one who should be apologizing.”

I blink, taken aback. I wish we could go back to last night, safe in the cave. I know I don’t deserve it, but I can’t stop myself from asking. “Should we huddle together again for warmth? It’s pretty chilly here.”

I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. Of course Nasir doesn’t want that. He was just tortured because of me, why would he want me anywhere close to him? He’d probably be happy if I died.

His eyes widen, but there’s no disgust or anger in them. The corner of his lips curls into a small smile. “Yes, I’d like that. You’ll have to be in front again, though. My back… Well, yeah.”

“Yeah,” I echo, nodding.

Nasir lies down on his side, and I join him, pressing my back against his chest, careful not to touch his destroyed leg. The bone around my neck is searing my skin, like it’s trying to burn a hole straight to my heart and make me face the guilt I feel. My fingers itch to rip it off and throw it far away, but terror keeps them frozen. I can’t. I can’t. I fucking can’t.

Nasir wraps his arm around my torso, holding me tight, unlike last night. I didn’t get it then, but I realize now he was giving me as much space as he could while conserving heat. His arm was only lightly draped over me, and I could easily have gotten away if I tried. Not this time, though. Now, he’s clinging to me like I’m a lifeline. It’s probably just because I happen to be here, and I’m the only one able to bring him some human comfort now, but still. It feels good to be needed for once. Almost wanted.

Nasir buries his face in the back of my neck. I can feel his warm, shaky breath against my skin. A strangled sob escapes him, then another as he breaks down crying. I open my mouth to try and comfort him, but it’s like his tears break something within me, a protective wall that had been close to collapsing already. Instead of words, a sob escapes me too. I take his hand, clutching it so hard it must hurt him, but I can’t stop myself, and he doesn’t pull away. My chest aches as wave after wave of painful wails tear out of me. I cry for myself, for Nasir, for everything, until I have no more tears left to shed. Nasir sniffles. He’s not sobbing anymore, but his breathing is still ragged. I guess that mine is too.

This feels strangely intimate. I’ve never let anyone see my pain, and here I just broke down in front of him. But he did too, so I guess it doesn’t feel as threatening as it would have if I’d been the only one showing vulnerability.

“You escaped once.” Nasir’s voice rises in the eerie silence. It’s strained, and he sounds exhausted. “Maybe we can do it again. We just need to wait for the right time.”

I’m not sure if he’s trying to convince me or himself, but I don’t have the heart to tell him that this will never happen. I didn’t escape. He got me out. No one’s coming to save us this time. Sure, Nasir has friends, but those friends let Dornao bring him here, so they must have decided his life mattered less than peace with the Raiders or that he deserved this for betraying Elign by trying to rescue the local fuck-up during an important negotiation. And even if someone did care enough to want to help him, what could they do? It’s not like they could just waltz into the Ruins and rescue us.

As if reading my mind, Nasir adds, “It might take time, but they’ll end up letting their guard down eventually. They have to. Did they make you sleep outside the cell every night?”

Letting their guard down. Yeah, that’s what I had been counting on too at first. “After a while, yeah.” I sigh. I don’t want to crush what hope he has left, but I don’t want to get mine up either. Having it turn to ash hurts too much, experiencing it once was more than enough for me.

“Then there’s a chance they’ll do that again,” Nasir continues. “You couldn’t free yourself on your own, but with two of us, it might be possible. Of course, untying each other with our hands behind our backs won’t be easy, but it’s not entirely impossible.”

I squeeze his hand. “Yeah, maybe.” Could he be right? Sure, I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I don’t want to miss an opportunity to escape either if one shows up. But if they put me back in the cell… Pain. The cell means pain. It always has. If they do let us out one day, I’m not sure there will be enough left of me to try anything at all.

Nasir Ahmad

I wake up with Reno still in my arms, half naked in his costume. In other circumstances, that would be a beautiful way to wake up, but right now all I can think of is the dull pain throbbing in my back and knee and the fact that he’s back in this hell he just escaped because of me.

The door to our cell opens, revealing Cirail. Reno jolts awake and scrambles away from me, pressing himself against the wall furthest from the door.

“Oh, how cute,” Cirail mocks. “They’re cuddling. Did you fuck my little bitch during the night? That’s okay, you’re allowed. That’s what he’s made for anyway. So, which one of you will I torture for breakfast?”

“Me,” I offer despite the nausea rising in my throat. It’s my fault, and Reno shouldn’t have to be the one paying for my mistake. “Take me.”

“Um, tempting.” Cirail scratches his chin. “But the little runaway toy needs to be taught a lesson. A harsh one. Don’t worry though, doc, I’ll take care of you later.”

Reno shakes his head, looking at me with wide eyes. He opens his mouth but immediately closes it again. Tyb and a tall woman with dark beaded braids grab him by the arms. Reno trashes around, but a punch in the guts by Cirail makes him go limp, like all the fight has been drained from his body.