Page 61 of Until the Last Star Fades

“Things will be better after graduation.” Swirling the last pieces of granola around her glass, she leaned forward and swallowed heavily, but the lump in her throat wouldn’t move, lending a stilted quality to her words. “The stress will be gone.”

“I remember the therapist saying a recurrence can be triggered by a major life change—”

Riley nodded. “Like graduation.”

“—like an engagement,” said Maggie, their words clashing.

Riley dropped the spoon in her glass. “The engagement has nothing to do with it.”

“I wish I believed that. Look at me, honey. If that’s the truth…”

I can’t. Riley picked at her fingernails.

“Oh, sweetheart.” Maggie wrapped a loving arm around her daughter, pulling her in. “You’re young and your life is opening up to so many possibilities. Why get married now? Why rush?”

I can’t tell her why. Make something up. “B-Because we’ve already spent three years apart and we can’t do it any longer.” Tears stung her eyes for the lie that was leaving her lips and for the fear that her plan was about to fall apart. She couldn’t fail her mom.

“But what’s another year? Have a long engagement. Give yourselves time to settle into your careers, and then set a date. So much is changing for you both, and you’ve worked so hard at college. Don’t let everything you’ve learned go to waste. Josh will be following his dream—you should follow yours, too.”

Don’t. Don’t cry…stick to the script. “I want us to be together.”

“But your life—your happiness—isn’t defined by sharing the same carpet, Riley. How will you thrive if you’re disappointed, resentful? It’s hard watching your husband do what he’s always wanted while your dreams stay on the shelf. Trust me on that.”

Riley’s eyebrows peaked. “You and Dad?”

Maggie nodded slowly.

“What?” Riley eased back. “I thought—”

“Marketing was my calling? Honestly, is it anyone’s?” Maggie chuckled. “No, my dream was to own a little bookshop close to home. I planned to have a counter selling fresh coffee, muffins…it was going to be a comfy hangout that celebrated a love of good books.”

“Sounds incredible.”

“Yeah, but the idea faded, lost somewhere between your fourth birthday and Bradley leaving us.”

“How come?”

“We got turned down for a loan. Bradley said we’d apply again once he got the promotion he was promised, so we both kept working and saving. A couple years passed, still no promotion. I figured if we weren’t going to try for another loan right away, we should try for a baby. You were growing up so quickly. I wanted to give you a brother or sister while you were still little, but Bradley wanted a bigger house first. So, a new house and a baby were added to the ‘when Bradley gets a promotion’ list. Then he finally got the promotion in 2003—and a year later, he was on the Upper West Side with Clarissa.”

“Oh, Mom.”

“He went for exactly what he wanted. I waited for my turn and it never came. Goodbye dream, goodbye new baby…hello divorce. After he left, I saved and planned, and a few years later, I was approved for a loan, but then it was cancer’s turn to put an end to the bookshop.”

Riley’s eyes teared up. “Mom, I’m so sorry.” She leaned in. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were so mad at your dad, and I didn’t want to throw more gasoline on that fire. I didn’t want anger to hold you back, especially when you were diagnosed with depression. You’ve been through enough. You know I’d do anything to keep you from getting hurt.”

And I’d do anything to keep you from losing everything.

“All I’m saying is: don’t wait for your turn. If Josh loves you with all his heart, he’ll be cheering you on in LA, knowing that when the time is right, you’ll be by his side as his equal, not his shadow. You’ve never been anyone’s shadow—why start now?”

“So, I shouldn’t move to Minnesota?”

“I can’t make that decision for you, sweetheart.” Maggie reached over, her thumb drying a stray tear sliding down Riley’s cheek. “But I just…wish you’d put yourself first. No one else will. I know what it’s like to love someone so much you’ll do anything for them, but you can’t lose who you are in order to do that. It’s not worth it. You’ll always wonder about the what-ifs? Stay true to yourself, Riley—always. Promise me?”

Riley licked her lips. “But what if staying true to yourself means you’ll hurt other people?” Josh…you…

“Hopefully they’ll understand. The people who really love you will always understand.” Maggie kissed her daughter on the temple like she had done a thousand times before when easing the pain of a scraped knee, a hockey loss in overtime, and all the other heartaches Riley had faced growing up. Her mom smiled and returned to her parfait.