Page 148
“Things got out of control, Alvin… I, uh…” he tried again. “I don’t know.”
“Out of control.”
“Alvin.”
“Right.” I nodded. “Got it.”
“You’re twisting my words.”
“I’m literally repeating them!” I threw my hands in the air.
“That’s not what I’m saying, though. Not the way you’re saying it.”
“Then say what you’re saying, Dee.”
He stared at me.
I stepped closer. “Come on.” He shook his head and I stepped closer again anyway. “No. You’re always telling me to stop joking, remember?”
His face tightened.
“So here.” I spread my hands. “No jokes. Tell me what this really was. And don’t give me some excuse about it being fun again. I want the fucking truth.”
“I don’t know.”
“Bullshit.”
“I don’t!” He slammed a heavy palm on the counter behind him, and the sound of his adult-size tantrum echoed around us.
“You don’t?”
“No, Alvy. I don’t.”
I laughed. My eyes burned. I was crying over this man again. Fantastic. Absolutely fucking fantastic.
“You know what? Fine.” I moved towards the door, but Dee grabbed onto my shoulder. I stopped and rolled him loose but didn’t turn around. “I love you, Dee.”
There. I’d said it. The words I had spent years dressing up as insults. Jokes. Flirting. Anger.
I spun around to face him. Dee looked wrecked. And I was glad. At least one of us wasn’t going to survive this gracefully.
“I love you,” I repeated. My voice shook this time. “I’ve loved you since I was a fucking kid.”
“Alvin…”
“No.” My eyes burned harder. “You don’t get it. I loved you when you kissed me.”
His eyes dropped to the floor.
“I loved you when you shoved me away afterwards. I loved you when you dated girls. I loved you when you told me to be with someone else.”
“That’s not—” he started to say, and I talked over him.
“I love you anyway.” I shook my head, my voice breaking. “So there. That’s what this meant for me. Making love to you. Giving you my body.”
Dee finally looked up. There was pain written all over his face. But I could tell it wasn’t enough.
“Would you fucking say something!” I yelled at him.
