Page 128 of Any Port in a Storm

“Potent stuff, that Splenda.” He grins, but it feels forced.

“Okay.” I don’t know what to make of this obvious display of discomfort. Nick and I have been friends long enough that I’m fully aware something’s bothering him, but I also know he isn’t going to open up to me until he’s good and ready.

It takes everything in me, but I decide to let it go. At least for the time being.

When I wake up the next morning, Nick’s sitting upright in my bed, staring at the floor.

“Hey,” I reach for his arm. “You okay?”

His voice is so quiet I can barely make it out. “I have to tell you something.”

The hair on my arms stands on end. “Okay.”

Nick draws a deep breath. “I know why Spillinger’s being so weird toward you.”

The room feels fuzzy, like it’s full of cotton. I can’t quite hear him, I think; there’s a weird ringing starting in my ears. “What?”

“I know why she’s upset with you,” he says, louder now. Still looking down.

“Well, aren’t you going to tell me?”

He meets my eyes and breaks my heart, all at once. “It’s because of me.”

My world screeches to a halt. “What?”

“When I first got to Hawthorne,” he begins, “I was pretty lonely. It was hard being away from home. And I didn’t make too many friends on campus. There was Max, of course, and Logan and Aiden. But being here was a lot.”

“I never knew that,” I say, reaching for his hand. He takes mine, but his fingers feel stiff. Unfamiliar.

“In the fall of my sophomore year, I met a girl at the library,” he says. “She was a little older; I was 19 and she was 24. She was working on her PhD.” He looks up at me, and that’s when it hits.

The room is spinning; my head is spinning. “Oh my god.”

Nick’s expression is pained, but he presses on. “Elaine and I dated for about six months. It didn’t amount to much, but we stayed friends. Had to, really, since we both worked at CAS. Even though we were in different departments, and I was just a student and a TA back then, there was a lot of crossover.” He swallows hard. “It was important we remain cordial.”

“I…I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. But there’s…well, there’s one more piece. Um, last year…there was a bit of a…rekindling. But it was very brief. Just one night. And it was a mistake. But I think maybe that’s why…she might have gotten it into her head that there was something going on with us. Even though—I swear, Laurel, it wasn’t anything for me. It isn’t anything for me.”

I think I’m going to shatter into pieces, right here in this bed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

To his credit, Nick looks like he’s about to break down completely. “Well, before we were together, I thought we’d reached a kind of unspoken agreement not to discuss our sex lives. Especially after what happened in Philadelphia.”

“You didn’t think that agreement would be superseded by important tidbits like the fact that you used to date my dissertation advisor? That she was your girlfriend for six months? That you guys hooked up again last year? Especially now that you and I are together?”

“She was my girlfriend when I was 19,” Nick says quietly. “It was so long ago. It didn’t feel important.”

“Well, it is.”

“I’m sorry. But I need you to understand—Elaine isn’t…we were never…” He sighs in frustration. “I never loved her, okay? That’s why I broke up with her the first time. And last year, there was a faculty event for Halloween, and it just kind of happened.”

“Ugh, I so don’t need to hear that.”

“Laurel, you don’t understand. This is so far from important. It’s nothing like how I feel about you.”

“And how is that, exactly?”

He’s so pale now, I’m afraid he’s going to pass out. “How is what?”