Page 126 of These Wicked Hearts

He sags back against the bed with that dopey smile of his.

I press slow kisses up his stomach to the center of his chest.

Dazed, he smiles up at me. “You’re so good at that.”

“Yeah.” I drop a kiss down onto his lips before collapsing against him. His arms instantly engulf me, and my fingers run through the soft hairs on his chest. We’re going back home and I’m not any closer to figuring out what I can do.

I’ve made a mistake, and I don’t know how to get out of it.

“Are you happy you came here?” I rest my chin on his chest.

“I am.”

“Do you feel better? After the stress of coming, I mean, and being afraid.”

Atlas smiles softly and nods. “I’m really happy for my friend.”

I think about my own issues and wonder if that’s what I need. Atlas faced his fears and came here despite them. When I think about what I need to do to get out of my mess, there’s no clean ending. There’s no option where everything will work in my favor.

Of course Grey forgave him; Atlas is Atlas. Sweet, kind, and caring. I’d forgive him too. My fingers graze over his tattoo and my heart hurts for him.

“I think I’m going to get some water. Do you want anything?”

“Oh, uh, I’m good.” He sprawls his arms out.

I pull on my sweats and go to our attached bathroom to wash up. Then I make my way out to the kitchen. I just need a minute to breathe. To think. Thinking isn’t easy when he’s around. The sex is too much, it’s too good, but somewhere along the way I started to crave all the other shit too. His warm crushing weight. His stupid jokes and dorky grin. I can’t handle it. The way he lights up talking about the things he loves.

I want to love anything like that.

I want him to love me like that.

I find the cabinet Felix showed me had mugs, and I grab one and fill it with water, bracing against the counter. I just need a minute to myself to figure this out. I need this to end, but for the first time in a long time, I don’t want it to end with me. I don’t want to blow my life up. I don’t know how to fix this without doing just that. Confessing what I did will be admitting how desperate I was. That I’m a fraud.

Footsteps sound down the hall and for a moment I think it’s Atlas, but then I see Grey appear in the kitchen. “Oh uh, sorry. I thought you were Atlas.”

“Sorry.” I sip my drink softly. “Just wanted some water.”

He nods, going to the cabinet and throwing on the teapot. “Sometimes I can’t sleep. My knee, it aches sometimes. Felix bought me some tea that helps, though. Never was a tea guy before.” I don’t know what to say to him. Grey’s intimidating. “So, happy to be heading home tomorrow?”

He grabs a tea bag, setting it in his mug.

“Uh, I don’t know. I’ve had a good time. Thank you for letting us stay.”

Grey smiles softly and squeezes some honey into the mug. “It’s good to see him. I’ve missed him a lot.”

“He was nervous, but he’s been wanting to come for a while now.” Or at least since I met him. But knowing Atlas, I’m sure he’s been torn up for months. “I can tell he loves you very much.”

“I know he does.” Just as the teapot whistles faintly, he pours some in a mug. “So, how long have you been together?”

The question catches me off guard. “I mean, we’ve known each other for a couple of months. I mean, we’re not like together together. We’re friends.”

He nods his head slowly. “Friends.” He steeps his tea bag then rests against the counter to look at me. “He seems to think it’s a little more than that.”

“I don’t know, we um. We’re not. He knows.”

“Look, I don’t know you at all. I don’t know what relationship you two have. I do know my friend, though, and he likes to fall forward without a parachute. He’s impulsive, and I can tell he cares about you a lot. My friend doesn’t do casual very well.”

“Well, it seems you don’t know him as well as you think because this arrangement was his idea.” The words taste sour even if they’re true. Yeah, this was Atlas’s idea, but I should have run the moment he started to divert from it.