Page 115 of Midnight Ink

Nothing will ever be the same.

And while I’m crying so hard, I can’t think, see, or breathe right, I don’t pass out. I feel everything like a crushing weight I don’t think I’ll ever break free from.

My life is over.

The shop.

Fuck the shop.

Fuck everything.

TWENTY-FIVE

IAN

Three months later

“Baby, calm down.”

Julian’s eyes narrow to slits before he gently closes them again. I know he’s nervous, but I’m trying to lighten the tension a bit. “You’re not the one with a needle at your neck.”

I sit back and watch him. Fuck my man is cute. “We don’t have to. If you can’t handle it⁠—”

“Oh, fuck off. Ninety five percent of me is tattooed. The neck freaks me out, though.”

“Still time to change your mind. I mean . . .” I look down, dragging my fingers over the crotch of his jeans. “I know another part that isn’t tattooed.”

He blinks flatly then leans his head back. “Go ahead.”

I know he’s just a little scared. Julian has always sat well for me, and the fact that he’s trusting me to do this warms me. I print out the stencil of my lips and press it gently to his skin while sitting in his lap. His hands are on my hips, but I keep my hands steady. “It won’t take long,” I whisper.

He pops his eye open then closes it again. “It’s fine, just freaks me out.”

“I’ll take care of you.” I press a kiss under his ear on the opposite side. It’s honestly hard for me to keep my hands off him. I’m happy he doesn’t mind me this clingy. He drives me fucking crazy.

“Did yours hurt bad?”

“Honestly, not as bad as the center of my chest. That nearly took me out.”

Julian sighs, shifting a little in the chair. I know he’s not worried about the pain. It’s the idea of it that’s freaking him out. “I’m fine, just distract me.”

I get off his lap then lower his seat down and elevate my stool before I wash my hands and pull on a pair of black gloves. Carefully I lay the stencil on and gently peel it back. It’s perfect there, right along his throat. “Do you remember the day we met?”

“Of course.” He smiles that lopsided grin that has my whole heart.

I begin to set up my ink. “Do you want them black and gray or red?”

Julian thinks for a moment. Most of his tattoos are black and gray. “Do red.”

“Coming right up.” I find a beautiful shade of deep red that will look beautiful on his deep brown skin. I take the tiny ink cups and stick them on the paper with the jelly. Pouring a little ink in each, I watch him and fuck, it hits me so hard sometimes. I haven’t been this happy in forever. It’s not the same as with Maddox, and that’s what I needed to come to terms with.

I’ve been going to a grief support group to help me. My grief is mine to live with, and I’m not sure why it never occurred to me to get help before. We meet once a month and it’s been an eye-opening experience. I’ve gone through all the stages of grief except acceptance. That’s been the hardest one to deal with.

I will never be loved that way again because there will never be another him. It doesn’t have to feel the same. Julian loves me differently, and it’s just the way this version of me needs.

Losing Maddox shaped me in ways I didn’t realize. Maddox is gone, and so is the version of me he loved so much. I’ve been through a lot, trying so hard to hang onto the little pieces of my old life that I didn’t realize it was killing me too. I’m not that guy. Bitter and hateful. I love art. I love tattooing. I have amazing friends and a thriving business.

This is my life, and I’ve been so privileged to do this because Maddox fought like hell. Honoring him means making this shop thrive. It means finding happiness in my life every day. Just the way he would have.