Page 66 of Sand in My Boots

“We never set parameters.”

“We didn’t.”

A bubble of hope surges inside me, matching hers. But I have to tamp it down.

What would a relationship with Juli look like? If we entertained the idea. Long weekends here and there? Sexting over phone calls? She deserves more. Someone who can be there when she’s done with work. Someone who will take her to her favorite restaurants, buy her favorite drinks. Someone who could shower her with gifts, spoil her just because. As much as I wish it could be me, I’m not that person.

Blowing out a breath above her head, the balloon pops, squashing her dream as well.

“We’ll still be friends. Keep in touch. Share the funny things about our lives.” As I say the words, I know they’re somewhat of a lie.

Do I want to stay friends with her? Absolutely.

Do I want to keep in touch? Without a doubt.

Do I want her to share the funny things about her life? Nope. Because I’m selfish that way. I want to be the one who makes her laugh, who’s on the receiving end of her jokes, who makes her blush inappropriately in front of her friends. I want to go to bed and wake up next to her every night. I want to have lots of sex and make love and do all the things we only touched on this week. I want it all.

My reality is, I’ll never be that guy for her. A vacation fling is all I can offer.

My words sink in slowly. I can’t tell if the droplets dripping down her face are from the shower water or tears. If it’s the latter, I don’t know how long I can handle them.

Actually, I’m certain I can’t.

“I’m sorry, Jude. Sorry for it all.”

I bring my lips to hers. Hers only part to release a gasp, but I cover them anyway, swallowing her surprise. Her anguish. Her disappointment.

Under the rain showerhead, I’m not gentle with the kiss. I take what I need from her. For myself. When she tries for more, I pull away.

“Finish your shower. I’ll jump in when you’re done.” I don’t give her the option of saying no.

Grabbing a towel from the clean stack, I exit the bathroom, my heart and head more of a mess.

Chapter 18

Juli

After his abrupt departure from the shower, I don’t linger. I don’t need the scent and reminder of Cameron invading my thoughts.

As if I can magically turn them off.

I will the tears not to fall. I’m better than this. I can do casual. Even with Cameron Fairbanks. This was never a long-term situation. Even without discussing it, it always had an end date. Despite how much I wish it were different and it didn’t.

This week with Cameron has been amazing, and I should count myself fortunate for spending the time with him. For being a person Cameron wants to spend time with. For still being sexy, maybe sexier than in years past.

Believing this and convincing myself it’s true are the hard parts.

Leaving the shower running, I step out, reaching for a clean towel. I dry my face first, hoping for the end of the tears I’ll shed in mourning the loss of Cameron.

Reminding myself we can still be friends and do all the other things he mentioned, I steel my shoulders and walk to the bedroom. “It’s all yours,” I tell Cameron, who’s absorbed in his phone.

“Huh?” He looks up at me, and the guilt almost breaks my heart. I dig my feet into the floor, not allowing myself the option of going to him. “Oh, thanks. I’ll be quick. I’m famished and know you must be, too.” He springs off the bed, and I don’t allow myself to turn and drool over his naked ass.

“Kinda lost my appetite a bit ago,” I mumble into the room. Realizing I can’t head down this path, I lecture myself with a pep talk. “You’ve still got time to enjoy his company. Don’t waste it being all sad. Retreat across the line back into friend territory. It’s not like it’s an unfamiliar place.”

Giving myself exactly two minutes to wallow, I hold my head high, ready to tackle my last dinner with Cameron.

A melancholy settles over Cameron and me. Sure, we laugh, he’s courteous to me and his staff members, but the energy’s changed from an hour ago when we were lying in bed having finished making love. I hesitate to call it that, but there’s no other way to describe it. I unwillingly handed over my heart somewhere between the time it started and ended. I can’t regret it, though.