Page 63 of Love in the Time of Wildfires

The worst part was Logan couldn’t reply that, of course, River knew what she was getting into and they’d be fine. As much as he wanted things to work out, it usually didn’t. His father and mother’s marriage was more the exception than the rule. River would likely be tested many times and, if anything ruined things, it was either going to be him or the job. As good as he was feeling this morning when he found her in the bathroom he, of all people, knew that everything could change. Even if his dad wasn’t directly attacking him, it turned his mood.

“I don’t know,” Logan answered gruffly, wondering if he should escape this call.

“And if you bring a kid into it—”

He laughed bitterly. “Well, that’s one thing I don’t have to worry about considering I’m not going to be having any.”

There was nothing but silence on the other end. Logan shouldn’t have said anything because he’d never mentioned his vasectomy to them. His parents had never brought up grandchildren—they’d never pressured him about it. That was one thing he gave them credit for. But he didn’t want to get into it now.

“Does River know about this?” his father asked after a moment.

Logan rubbed his face. “Yeah, she knows.”

“You know I got really lucky with your mother. I, honest to god, will never know how she’s been able to put up with me as much as she has. If you find someone with spirit and willing to put up with all this shit, then you’re golden. You just hold on to that.”

As much as his father tried to be encouraging, Logan didn’t find the words reassuring. River had put up with a lot already. And he didn’t want someone who would just put up with him. He’d rather be alone. He wanted River to love him, because that’s how he felt about her. Putting up didn’t sound like love, it didn’t sound enough—not anymore. But he wasn’t sure what he could do to make it worth it on her side, because him simply loving her might not be enough either.

“I just don’t want to screw things up,” he replied honestly.

“I get it. What you’re doing is important. The job is important. But don’t let the job take everything. Don’t let the beast consume you.”

Except Logan didn’t know how much control he had over the situation. People stayed in the industry until it chewed them up because it was all they had. It was true for his father, and it would be true for Logan as well. It was hard to know how many years he had left and what condition he’d be in when it ended. The reality of it was not going to be fair to River because he had little else to offer.

“Yeah, well, it’s not easy when I sometimes feel all alone here. Not a lot of people get what it’s like even if they used to be part of it.” Logan knew his words dripped with bitterness, but it couldn’t be helped.

His father didn’t speak for several seconds, letting Logan’s words hang in the air. “Are you done for the season at least?” his father finally asked. “You know your mother would love it if you could come over for dinner sometimes. Let us see you more often. You can bring River with you.”

“I don’t know if we’re completely out of the woods yet.” Logan tested the ground by adding, “You know, because climate change has made things drier for longer.”

“Yeah,” his dad replied after a beat. “Well, if you go out again, make sure to text us so we know you’re on the job. I want to try to keep up better on the fire reports. Since River’s suggestion, I’ve been wondering if maybe some fire organizations could use my help and have been doing a lot more reading, looking into how things have changed, to get myself caught up. I’m currently tracking the one near Shasta. I know it’s tough, and I just want to make sure you’re staying safe.”

Logan was somewhat speechless. It seemed his father had taken River’s words to heart. While it was nice to see his dad seemingly escape the fog, it was also somewhat unnerving. Logan wasn’t sure he could trust this new version of his dad when he felt so burned by the old one. It wasn’t easy to switch over and accept this was real. “Sure.”

“And you just let your mother know when you and River can come for dinner. Okay?”

“Yeah.” They ended the conversation, and Logan wasn’t sure what to feel. He wondered what had even spurred this call from his father in the first place. If it had been River or something else that gave his dad a change of heart. Regardless, it hadn’t been Logan’s hours of conversations and the countless studies and articles he used to push at his dad until he was blue in the face.

If anything, he learned he never wanted to be like the old version of his dad. To be so set in a certain mindset that he didn’t want to be persuaded to see outside of himself, where the consideration of things in nuance became something to be feared.

Was he doing that now? Was he so caught up in his feelings for River that he refused to see reality and how very fragile everything remained? He’d already almost lost her. It was likely to happen again, or he’d miss one too many things that were important to her. She wouldn’t give him unlimited chances.

As a wildland firefighter, he was used to trying to think ahead. To predict the direction of the beast, to being convinced he could contain it, control it. To keep it from razing everything.

But this wasn’t always the case. Sometimes he just got burned.

Chapter Twenty

While River was happy to have Logan back, there were moments when he’d become withdrawn. She felt bad because though he was home, she still had work and other commitments that left him on his own. Although they’d made plans to go to a new hiking spot for her fox hunt.

There were times she wanted to dig into the man’s head and discover everything inside—she was also afraid to push too much. She worried he still kept a lot of things locked away, as though he believed she’d scamper away if he revealed every dark depression.

One evening while lying in bed, she turned to face him and found him staring at the ceiling. River reached to lightly scrape her fingers through the hair along his scalp. “You worried about something?”

He released a long breath.

“You can tell me,” she said.

“I think we’re going to have to cancel our hike.”