Page 57 of Love in the Time of Wildfires

River

Well, besides the whole trivia thing, my day was chaotic. We had three different grade schools on field trips. There were kids everrrrrywhere. Every time I turned around there was some other kid hanging off my leg. I don’t even need walking weights. It was wild but made for a fun day.

Logan remembered the first time he stopped by the museum to see her. She’d been giving a presentation to a group of kids, and one of them kept wanting to hold her hand. He wasn’t surprised. River had such a warm quality that it seemed everyone was drawn to her whether they were an adult or child.

You’re really good with kids. You probably want a bunch of them. You should.

Logan was fishing for information. With his thoughts already in the dumps, perhaps it was best he get all the bad news right away instead of drawing this out.

Unfortunately, she didn’t reveal if she had her heart set on kids or not.

River

Why are you talking like this? What’s going on?

Nothing. I was just thinking you’d make a really good mom. You probably want that some day, right?

He was surprised she treated his comments with suspicion. If she was anything like Amelia, she’d take it as a compliment. In fact, he expected her to gush about this amazing future she envisioned of having a family of her own.

As much as he wanted the band-aid ripped off, she didn’t give him that. Rather, the dots, showing she was making a response, appeared before they disappeared. The dots then reappeared before disappearing again and going silent. After five minutes he worried he wasn’t going to get one.

Logan was convinced he’d screwed himself. The whole conversation had been a fuck-up, and now that River knew what she was dealing with, she had to be full of regrets. God dammit. How had this even happened, especially when he started the day optimistic and wanting to ask for exclusivity? Fuck! He would end up with the opposite, and it was all his fault.

His phone rang, displaying her name.

Shit.

Logan didn’t want to answer. If someone was giving bad news, it usually came from a phone call rather than a text. If he put it off maybe he could somehow fix this before she pulled the plug completely. He let it ring until it went to voicemail. Logan knew this made him a coward. He could face a hundred blazing fires, but he couldn’t face River at this moment. He never felt like more of a fraud.

His phone vibrated with an incoming notification.

River

Answer the phone.

Shit again. While Logan was a boss and had bosses himself, he’d never felt this sense of doom. She was the boss in this situation, and he was about to be fired.

His phone rang again. This time he took a breath, answering on the second ring. He tried to get ahead of it by starting with, “River, I’m sor—”

She didn’t let him finish before she interrupted. “Logan.” The way she said his name stopped him. River didn’t sound angry, but resigned. Logan didn’t want to make her unhappy. He didn’t. And he hated that he had—that it had been his own unhappiness, insecurity, and fear. He waited for the knife to plunge into his chest.

But she only asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” He knew she’d never buy it. But telling the truth was too revealing. And if things weren’t going to work out anyway, what was the point?

“Is this about the job?” she asked.

He gave a small huff at this, combining it with a bitter laugh. “When is it not?” Logan added, “But work is just work.” Today hadn’t even been the roughest one he’d ever had. Maybe it was because he just missed her so much and knew it was going to be a while until he’d be able to pull her into his arms . . . or maybe that wasn’t going to happen anymore. “I’m just fucked up,” he muttered.

“Okay.” She sighed. “I really don’t want to add to all of that. I know you’re tired. But there’s something I need to get off my chest, and I feel it’s important.”

“Okay.” He steeled himself for the bad news.

“One of the reasons I left San Diego and came here was, yes, because of the job opportunity, but also for a fresh start. I was tired of people putting their expectations on me and what my life was supposed to look like and how I was supposed to fold myself into that—to become a bit player in someone else’s life. My ex wanted me to stay home, to give up everything, so I could take care of the home stuff for him, raise a bunch of his kids. I gave up a fourteen-year relationship because I realized I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t be that for him. I have things I want to do. I don’t even want kids. So if that’s what you’re imagining for your life right now—that I’m going to be sitting here, tending your five children when I couldn’t even do that for him . . . I mean, I like you—I do, but I’m not that person, and I don’t want to be.”

He could tell this wasn’t easy for her, even if she wasn’t acting emotional, just matter-of-fact. He rubbed a hand over his eyes because not only was this woman proving to be braver and stronger than him, but he was having trouble processing everything she was telling him. His mind raced. Did she say she didn’t want kids? Did she actually mean this, or was this something she would change her mind on and have regrets? But, most of all, how the hell had he been lucky enough to have found this woman and how was he going to be able to keep her?

She continued, “So if that’s what you really want, then I think it might be better if—”