Page 41 of A Countess of Convenience

Biting her lip, Judith hesitated. How much did she wish to reveal? Should she plead ignorance of everything? But that was disingenuous when the gentleman was baring his soul to her. “I believe I was aware of your interest, Miles.”

He dropped his gaze to their hands, still clasped. “I fear to be proclaimed guilty of impertinence, but I came to believe that there was some affection on your part as well.” Darting a glance at her, he squeezed her hand. “Am I correct in that, Judith?”

Trapped. If she denied it, he would surely know she lied. She’d been so grateful to him for saving her life she’d made no bones about her admiration for him, insisting he call her by her first name from the beginning of their acquaintance. Judith did not wish to lie to him, but neither did she wish to encourage him in his suit either. At one time, most likely she would have done, but not now. “Yes, Miles, I think you know that I have been appreciative of you since we first met. How could I not be after you saved my life?”

He chuckled. “I might characterize it as more than appreciative, wouldn’t you, Judith?”

“Perhaps.” She withdrew her hand but did not rise.

“And that has now changed?”

“Yes.” But that was not quite true. “No.” She looked him in the eye. “I cannot tell, Miles. So much has happened today. I value your friendship more than you can know, but you must admit, we have known one another only a short while. Even so, I do esteem you one of the finest gentlemen of my acquaintance.” Indeed, she’d looked on him more than once with the eye of affection. But not having any urgency to wed, had not seriously considered marrying him. “However, because of the grave nature of the decision to marry, we must err on the side of caution when we entertain the thought of it. Once done it cannot be undone, save by death.”

“Then you are saying no to my suit.” To give him credit, he was taking her protestations with a great show of grace.

“I am saying I cannot give you an answer now.” She needed some time to think about Miles’s offer. In the back of her mind lay the promise John had given her, to marry her if the need arose. So the question became: who would be the better choice for her to wed? Due to their ranks, both gentlemen would be perfectly acceptable from the standpoint of Society. The timing of such a marriage would be the sticking point there. But the gentlemen themselves each had unique attributes they would bring to a marriage. So she must take the time to think, to evaluate each, and make her decision after due deliberation. “I am not unaware of the great honor you have afforded me with your offer, Miles. I simply cannot give you an answer without clearing my head. If you will call again tomorrow, I will endeavor to give you an answer then.”

That had not been the response he desired, of course, yet he smiled and rose, still the perfect gentleman. “You do me the honor simply to consider me worthy of you, Judith.” He raised her hand and kissed it. It saddened her that his lips excited her but little. “I will call upon you this time tomorrow, if that is convenient?”

“Yes, of course.” She smiled as he bowed and strode from the room.

As soon as he had gone, she slumped on the chaise, stretching out with her arm flung over her face, her heart beating in little fits and starts as tears collected in her eyes once more. Pappa was dead. She had not yet taken that in, nor did she wish to at the moment. Almost worse, she must marry and soon, despite the censure of Society and regardless of her own uncertainties about doing so.

The life she had returned to had been cruel beyond belief. Husband dead, father dead, daughter taken from her. Might she have been better served had Miles left her insensible? As she had had no choice in any of these matters, she must try to make good on the one decision left her—which man would become her husband—and set the course for the rest of her life.

* * * *

Staring into the crackling fire in her bed chamber, Judith sipped a cup of tea, her head in a constant whirl. She’d still been in the drawing room when Kitty and John had returned. When she’d broken the news about her father, both her friends had expressed their heartfelt condolences. Kitty had embraced her, weeping in sympathy. Her brother’s reaction had been less demonstrative but every bit as compassionate.

John had taken her hands. “I am so sorry, Judith. Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss.” He’d kissed her cheek, a chaste peck that held nothing save comfort for her, then told them he would arrange for the house’s mourning cloths to be hung.

“You need not do that, John.” A comforting gesture, but unnecessary as their families were not related.

“You are a guest in my home, Judith. We share in your loss and will respect your father as we did our own.” He’d then excused himself and set the servants to drawing the drapes and covering the mirrors in black.

Kitty had accompanied her to her room and stayed a short while for company. “Will you go home then, Judith?”

“I fear I cannot.” Judith had remained firm on that decision. “I must remain if I am to have any hope of my petition being accepted in the courts.” She wiped her eyes. Her tears seemed never-ending. “Mamma will simply have to carry on without me and make my excuses to the county. I know there will be talk.”

“Let them talk, my dear.” Kitty took her hand. “It will probably be that hateful old Mrs. Jameson who’s never had a good word for a soul in all her seventy years. And Mrs. Protheroe, who loves to talk of anything if she thinks she can make it into a scandal.”

“Miss Tanner will bewail my absence in her die-away voice then tell everyone what a disgrace I am.” Judith caught Kitty’s gaze, and they chuckled together over their meddlesome neighbors.

As their laughter subsided, Kitty sobered then asked, “Will you marry John?”

“That seems to be the question of the hour, Kitty.” Judith drew her shawl tighter around her shoulders. “I must think what will be best for Anna.” Not for herself, of course. “And I have but little time to do it.”

“Well, I shall leave you to your deliberations.” Kitty rose. “Can I not persuade you to come down to dinner? You should not be all alone on such a day, Judith.”

“Thank you, but I would prefer the quiet of this room for tonight.” She gazed around the cheerful room and was comforted by its aura of peace.

“I will have Cook send up a tray for you.” Kitty bent down and kissed Judith’s brow. She was so glad her friend had been here to comfort her. “You need to promise to eat something, Judith. You must keep up your strength.”

“I will, dear.” A promise she might not keep. Her stomach had twisted itself in knots, so the thought of food quite nauseated her. “And I shall rest as soon as I am done.”

“I’ll see you in the morning, then.” Kitty closed the door, leaving Judith alone.

The silence was a blessing, although one that would be short-lived. Cook would send up a tray then Porter, Kitty’s lady’s maid, would come in to help her undress. There might even be a hot posset sent up before she crawled into bed, especially if her dinner tray went back untouched. If only she could sit in the quiet and think of absolutely nothing. That would be the biggest blessing of all, but again impossible. She must think what the best course would be to convince the courts she should be the better guardian for Anna. She had two avenues open to her, and she must choose wisely.