Page 97 of Not Just for Christmas

And it wasn’t because we were old friends, or because it was good to have another adult in the house. It was because deep down, on a level I hadn’t even acknowledged to myself, there was a tiny piece of my heart that had always been his and for the first time in two decades I had allowed myself to dream.

But a future with him was impossible. His career would always take him away from Sam and me, and I wasn’t prepared to compromise. I was sure about that. But I was also sure about how important he was to Sam and me. Last night I’d risked our friendship, and I was never going to do that again.

Chapter 41

The Craggy Bay lifeboat station had never looked so Christmassy.

Strings of festoon lights zigzagged across the vaulted ceiling. A plump fir tree strewn with nautical-themed ornaments twinkled in the corner, volunteers behind a makeshift bar ladled out cups of hot non-alcoholic punch to visitors grateful to be out of the cold, and children crowded around a chocolate fountain, dipping marshmallows and apple slices into the warm chocolatey goo. Lifeboat crew wearing Santa hats milled around posing for photos and handing out leaflets, and the Craggy Bay community choir belted out a succession of traditional carols in front of the large boat-shed doors. The atmosphere was cheery, and the press of warm bodies made even this cavernous space feel very cosy.

‘How are you doing?’ Caroline asked me while scrubbing the chocolate off her daughter’s face with a wet wipe. ‘Tough day.’

‘It is, but I think about Jack every day. I’ve got millions of happy memories to look back on. The one day I don’t really want to dwell too much on is today,’ I replied. ‘I keep looking at the clock and thinking, at this exact time two years ago—’ I shuddered. ‘I’ll be glad when today’s over.’

‘I’m proud of you for coming.’ She gave me a squeeze. ‘I’m proud of you for everything.’

‘Everything?’ I lowered my voice. ‘Even for what I told you this morning?’

Caroline had been agog, listening to my confession about mine and Dylan’s kiss on the night before my wedding, but had been more interested in what had happened in my living room last night, than the past.

‘Alcohol has a lot to answer for,’ she said now. ‘Had you both been sober, I’m sure you’d have had more control.’

‘Our first kiss was a mistake and we both regretted it,’ I admitted. ‘It still makes me flush with shame when I think about it.’

Caroline squeezed my arm. ‘Let it go. I didn’t suspect a thing then, or since, and I can read you like a book.’

I puffed out a grateful sigh. ‘Our wedding day was perfect, and it was such a full-on day, right from the moment I woke up, that I genuinely put it out of my mind.’

‘His best man’s speech was brilliant and who can forget him playing the piano for your first dance?’ she pointed out. ‘So whatever he felt about you, he respected your marriage vows. You both did. But now the picture has changed. The question is, did you regret your second kiss?’

Butterflies fluttered in my stomach. I shook my head. I’d wanted him. ‘Not at the time. But what hasn’t changed is the fact we have so much shared history.’

‘Which is a good thing,’ she argued. ‘You’ve loved Dylan platonically for years. You trust him, you know him, plus Sam adores him. So many reasons for me to be Team Dylan.’

‘Jack might think we’re letting him down by getting together after he’s gone.’ I swallowed the lump in my throat.

‘I disagree.’ Caroline squeezed my hand. ‘Jack wanted Dylan in his corner when he married you. Dylan is the one you chose to be in your son’s corner whenever you two can’t be. He probably even asked Dylan to look after you if anything ever happened to him. It’s been two years, Lucy. I think Jack would hope you find happiness after losing him.’

It had been two long, lonely years, and Caroline was right, Jack wouldn’t want me to be on my own forever.

‘It’s all irrelevant anyway. Dylan has accepted a big TV role in the States. Last night he told his manager he didn’t want to do it. Then driving over here I heard him confirm on the radio that he was doing it after all. His future is in America.’

‘Hmm.’ Caroline narrowed her eyes. ‘Maybe he accepted it on the rebound after you rejected him.’

I groaned. ‘Why couldn’t I just sign up to a dating app and meet a nice man, like normal people, instead of having feelings for Dylan?’

‘You mean the gorgeous, celebrity singer who has the hots for you? You poor thing.’ She cocked an eyebrow. ‘Listen, even when we don’t go looking for love, it finds us. It isn’t his fault he fell in love with you, and it’s not your fault if you fall in love with him. No matter how tricky navigating this new chapter of life is for you, if you get a chance at love, take it.’

‘It could never be more than a holiday fling, and I don’t think either of us would want that.’ I gave her a wan smile. ‘The best thing to come out of all this is that I feel ready to love again. So it will be my New Year’s resolution after all.’

‘That’s something, I suppose.’ She held my gaze. ‘When is he back?’

‘Tomorrow,’ I said. ‘Christmas Eve. And I’ve got a million and one things to do before then.’

‘Me too. We’ve booked our flights, there’s so much to organise,’ she said, eyes sparkling.

‘Oh yes,’ I folded my arms. ‘The mystery big trip in January which I knew nothing about. What brought this on?’

Caroline fiddled with her hair. ‘To tell you the truth, it was you who inspired us.’