Page 115 of Somewhere Only We Know

He had an open-top khaki-coloured jeep which bounced over every pothole but on the plus side, afforded me an amazing view of the scenery as we headed out of the town past ornate temples, terraced rice fields and shady forests.

‘I’ve got the whole day free,’ he told me. ‘Once we’ve been to the airport, we can do whatever you want. I can be a tourist for the day and show you around.’

‘That’s really good of you, but I have been here before, you know.’

‘I know,’ he said with a grin. ‘Because I have very fond memories, but Bali has changed a lot since then.’

‘The turtle sanctuary for starters,’ I agreed. ‘Oof, careful Scout!’

Scout had her bottom on my leg, her two front paws on the door and her head sticking out of the vehicle, ears flapping in the breeze. Every so often her back legs would slip and dig into my thigh, making me wince.

‘Sorry about her.’ Jackson patted the dog’s back. ‘She insists on sitting there whether I have a passenger or not. She likes you, by the way.’

‘I like her,’ I said, stroking her head. Our hands touched for a split second, and I felt a frisson of heat as if someone had flicked a switch inside me.

He’d always had an air of confidence about him; it had been one of the things that had attracted me to him. But he’d matured into a man who I instinctively felt was one of life’s good guys: strong-minded, determined, with a gentleness in his manner that spoke directly to my heart. Also, his good looks were playing havoc with my pulse rate. Today he wore shorts and a cotton shirt, several buttons of which were undone, and every so often I caught a glimpse of his toned brown chest. I was in my favourite sundress and beaded flip-flops; and I’d piled my hair into a bun, allowing just enough tendrils to escape to soften the look. I’d even put on mascara and lip gloss.

I glanced sideways at him, still not quite believing that I was here with him, in Bali, where we first met. He stole a look at me, and we both grinned at being caught staring.

‘Thanks for doing this,’ I said. ‘You probably have a lot better things to do than drive me to the airport.’

‘Are you kidding me?’ he said playfully. ‘The first girl I fell in love with turns up after twenty years? You bet I’m going to spend as much time with you as I can. You’ll be begging me to leave you alone by tonight.’

The first girl.

‘I doubt that,’ I said boldly, my eyes challenging his.

Of course there’d been others, it would have been odder if there hadn’t been. And besides, I wanted him to have found love in his life. I hadn’t, at least not a deep enough love to want to commit to. Although I was beginning to think that maybe I hadn’t been receptive to love. I’d been so devoted to providing Brontë with the stability and security my own childhood had lacked that I’d left no heart space for romantic love.

‘I did, you know,’ he said after a pause. ‘Fall in love with you, I mean. I didn’t say it at the time because I was too scared to tell you in case it wasn’t reciprocated.’

There was a crushing tightness across my chest. He’d felt the same about me as I had about him. It was wonderful to hear, but at the same time, absolute torture.

‘It was reciprocated,’ I said quietly. ‘I could hardly admit it to myself, let alone you, because it had seemed impossible that a holiday romance stood a chance in the real world. I’d never felt like that with anyone before.’

Or since.

‘No way. D’you hear that, Scout?’ He reached across me to scratch behind the dog’s ears and grinned, his teeth pearly white against his tanned skin. ‘I remember you telling me that you didn’t do boyfriends, and I thought there was no way you were going to fall for my limited charms.’

‘Oh come on,’ I scoffed. ‘You were blessed with plenty of charm, you had me at “Do you like puppies?”’ We both laughed at the memory. ‘I wonder what would have happened if we’d told each other the truth.’

‘I wouldn’t have let you get on that plane back to the UK by yourself, that’s for sure. I’d have come with you.’

‘Seriously?’ I stared at him in disbelief. ‘But you were so set on going to Thailand. You’d wanted to travel and see the world.’

He shrugged. ‘I would have happily traded Thailand for the UK; it still would have classed as travelling. I haven’t been there even now. It’s on my list though.’

‘So, let me get this straight. If you’d known at the time how much I loved you, you’d have come home with me?’

‘Yeah.’ He gave me a sheepish smile. ‘I guess it serves me right for not saying anything.’

‘Oh my God,’ I murmured.

We fell silent for a while then, both lost in our thoughts. All I could think was that if he’d been in the UK when I found out I was pregnant, my whole life, and Brontë’s, would have been entirely different. I blinked tears away and when I looked across at him he was doing the same.

Neither of us spoke until we approached the signpost for the airport and Jackson turned off the main road.

‘I suppose there’s no point regretting things we can’t change,’ I said. ‘We have to believe that things happened for a reason. And that we were destined to go our separate ways.’