Page 96 of A Merry Little Christmas

‘I’m honoured to be here, and this really is big. When we were at college together and you used to talk about your home life, I used to feel so guilty for moaning about my parents when you didn’t have any. You were always so cheerful and brave, I was in awe of you.’

Merry raised her eyebrows. ‘Of me? I was the one in awe of you, so confident and outgoing and sure of your place in the world.’

Nell snorted. ‘You’ve got me all wrong. Remember that first day when we met in the cafeteria?’

‘You bought far too much food and wanted me to share it?’ Merry laughed.

‘And you would only agree if I shared your banana.’

Merry shrugged. ‘I hated any sort of charity; it made me feel inferior.’

Nell pulled a face. ‘You could never be inferior. I’ll let you into a secret: I only bought all that food as an excuse to come and talk to you.’

‘What? Really?’

‘Really.’ Nell bit her lip, sheepishly. ‘I had a bit of a girl crush on you; it was the only way I could think of to get to know you. I even agreed to eat a slice of your banana and I hated bananas with a passion.’

Merry gasped. ‘No way! You hid it well.’

‘I was happy that my plan had worked, eating one slice of banana was a small price to pay.’

‘You are funny.’ Merry regarded her for a long moment. ‘It’s been really tough for you watching my pregnancy develop, hasn’t it?’

‘The toughest thing ever,’ Nell admitted. ‘I was so happy for you but couldn’t help thinking it was unfair that it wasn’t happening for me too. Especially as you got pregnant as soon as you started trying. And I’d been secretly trying for ages. Don’t tell Olek.’

Merry felt a pang of sadness that Nell hadn’t told her any of this before. But they were here now, and if Nell wanted her to keep secrets, it was the least she could do. ‘I’m so sorry about that. I kept on …’ She hesitated, not knowing whether what she was about to say would make things better or worse for Nell. ‘Nothing, it doesn’t matter.’

‘No, go on, because it obviously does matter,’ Nell urged her. ‘Today’s the day we start being honest with each other again, get it all out in the open.’

‘I kept wishing that you’d get pregnant too, so that we could both be going through the same thing.’

Nell sighed wistfully. ‘One of the hardest things has been hearing you not being happy to be pregnant. Sometimes I’ve felt you’ve been a bit …’

‘Go on. Honesty, remember?’ Merry had a feeling she knew where this was going and already she felt the shame creeping in.

‘OK, I’ll say it.’ Nell turned to face her properly. ‘I have sometimes got the impression that you felt resentful towards Cole and even sometimes towards the baby.’

Merry thought carefully before speaking. She wanted to finally tell someone her fears, though she was scared that once she verbalised them, she could never take them back. But this was her chance to come clean, to tell the person she trusted implicitly.

‘It came across as resentment, but, really, it was fear. I’ve been too scared to think about being a mum. What happens when the hospital says that I can go, leave the sanctuary of the ward with the experts at hand to tell me what to do? I’d been worried that if my mum hadn’t loved me, then maybe I wouldn’t love this baby either, that history would repeat itself. I started thinking that I was a terrible woman who didn’t possess any maternal instincts. And the awful thing was I couldn’t tell you because I knew how much you wanted to be a mum. I couldn’t tell Cole because he’d probably freak out and wonder what sort of woman he’d married. So I let it fester.’

‘Oh, darling.’ Nell held out her arms and Merry sank into them. I wish I’d known. I wish I could have helped.’

Merry let out more tears. Ones which she’d been holding on to for months and months. Acknowledging her worst fears about herself had kept her from fully connecting with the baby she was carrying, and yet now she had, she felt a lightness in her chest, a feeling of joy that she’d been missing.

‘You know what, Merry?’

She sat up straight and accepted a tissue to dry her eyes. ‘What?’

‘I think your mum’s letter has found you at exactly the right time. It means more to you reading it now, when you’re on the cusp of motherhood, than it ever would have done in the past.’

Merry nodded. ‘Thank you, that is a brilliant thought. It’s the confidence boost I need.’

‘If she was here in person, that’s exactly what she’d be doing: building you up and telling you that you’ll be a fantastic mum.’

‘She didn’t have a good role model to learn her parenting skills from, but actually I did. So I’m the lucky one.’ Merry winced. ‘And talking about being lucky, I didn’t appreciate how lucky I was to have you at Merry and Bright until it was too late.’

Nell’s eyes glittered with tears. ‘I was the lucky one. I loved working with you – well, until …’