Page 11 of A Merry Little Christmas

Once Olek had found a quieter spot and Dr Bajek was convinced he was content to continue, she picked up another sheet of paper.

‘OK, Olek, the tests show that there is an issue with your sperm count. Unfortunately, it appears very unlikely that you could impregnate your wife naturally. I wonder, is there some sort of injury or trauma in your medical history?’

Trauma? Nell leaned forward in her chair. What did the doctor mean by that? If there was, it must have been a long time ago, because he’d never mentioned anything to her.

The sound of glass shattering echoed through the neat office and Dr Bajek flinched. ‘This is not the right way to do things.’ She shook her head at Nell, clearly regretting consenting to Nell’s request.

‘Sorry, doctor, I missed that, can you repeat it please?’ said Olek.

Nell’s fingers acted almost without her thinking about it. She tapped the screen, taking it off speakerphone, and pressed it to her ear. ‘It’s OK, Olek, it sounds like it’s chaos where you are. We can do this another time. I’ll see you at home, darling.’ She ended the call, dropped the phone onto the desk and pressed her hands to her face. ‘He didn’t hear.’

‘And you did.’ The doctor regarded Nell so intensely that she felt heat rise to her face. ‘That was most unfortunate and a significant breach of confidentiality on my part.’

‘But the problem lies with him?’ she asked, skating quickly over the doctor’s point.

The doctor pressed her lips together; she looked like she’d rather be anywhere else in the world but here. Finally she spoke. ‘It’s certainly not you.’

‘I see.’ She’d assumed that she’d feel less badly about it if she wasn’t the one with fertility problems. How naïve she’d been. This was as awful, if not worse. Her heart felt as heavy as a lead weight. ‘And you mentioned trauma, what do you mean?’

Dr Bajek shook her head. ‘I really can’t discuss my patient without him being present.’

‘I understand,’ said Nell. ‘I’ll go home and talk to Olek, and take it from there.’

‘Um. Right. Yes. Good idea, and there are always options. Sperm donors, et cetera. The important thing is that now we know what we’re dealing with.’

What they were dealing with was the fact that her much-desired child was a long way from being born.

Nell’s body was thrumming with sadness, a tidal wave of sorrow pushing her back out into reception. Somehow, she managed to pay the bill and find her way back to the car, her family plans in tatters.

Her dream to have a baby, to conceive naturally, to give birth to a child, their own biological child, had just turned into a nightmare. Nell prided herself on her positive outlook on life, but for once her inner sunshine had deserted her and her entire world had been eclipsed by this new information. Millions of other couples could have kids, so why couldn’t they? Because Olek was infertile, that was why. And depending on what Dr Bajek meant by previous trauma, he might possibly have been infertile for a long, long time. Which led Nell to another awful thought: if Olek couldn’t have ever had children, what did that mean for him and his son Max? Not only did today’s results have repercussions for their future children, but they could have inadvertently uncovered a terrible, secret about Olek’s relationship to his son. So what on earth was she going to tell Olek?

Chapter 4

Nell

The last thing Nell felt like doing was going back to work and facing customers in the shop this afternoon. She was sorely tempted to drive straight home from the clinic, dive under her duvet and sob until her tears ran dry. But with Merry in hospital, that wasn’t an option; she couldn’t let her down and leave the shop closed all afternoon. Which was why, half an hour after leaving Dr Bajek, still red-eyed from crying, she parked her car in the designated space behind Merry and Bright.

As she turned off the engine, she heard her phone ringing from the depths of her bag. She looked at the screen, Olek again. He’d left her a couple of messages already and she was feeling more and more guilty for not picking up. Her car wasn’t sophisticated enough for her phone to connect to, so she never used it while driving. They were both respectful of each other’s working day and under normal circumstances he wouldn’t mind if she didn’t phone him back straight away. But he’d be keen to know the fertility results after being cut off earlier. He deserved to know.

But know what exactly? She needed to think this through, work out what was best for everyone involved.

Whatever she told him, she thought morosely, there would be no Dowmunt baby. Not next year, and not the year after.

Nell pressed her hand to her flat stomach.

Her longing to be pregnant felt like a physical ache inside her now; she felt hollow and hopeless. How naïve she had been to assume that because she wanted to get pregnant, she would. That because Olek had already fathered one child, he could again. He’d be gutted, she knew, but mostly for her. His own desire to have a baby was nowhere near as strong as hers and she suspected that if she hadn’t wanted to start a family, he’d have been happy to carry on as they were.

Tears of disappointment streamed down her face, and she gave herself up to her grief. For the baby she wouldn’t have, for the family they wouldn’t be, for all the holidays and birthdays and Christmases she’d fantasised about celebrating with her child. She was having to let go of so much that so many women took for granted, and it wasn’t fair.

She cried for another few minutes, unable to stop the flow of her thoughts. She was entitled to this. Today, she’d let herself cry, but tomorrow, she’d do her best not to let her emotions rule her. Instead, she should look on the positive side and count her blessings. She had a lot to be grateful for. Olek was the love of her life, her soulmate, they rarely had a cross word, and even during the early days, when her snooty parents had made it clear that they didn’t think Olek, a tradesman with Polish immigrant parents, was good enough for their only daughter, their love had only strengthened. She’d had Max in her life for years; he was a great kid and the two of them had a strong bond. From the very start, she’d tried to be a good friend to him, rather than parent him, and it had paid off. He was growing up fast, almost a man, and Nell felt privileged to have him in her life.

Yes, but he’s not your own son … a little voice in her head reminded her.

Come on, Nell, pull yourself together.

She found a packet of tissues in the car, used one to dry her eyes and tucked the rest in her handbag. Then, climbing out and locking the car, she forced herself to open up the shop for the afternoon.

A few minutes later, the lights were on, soft Christmas music played in the background and the scent of the newly lit Winter Wonderland candles was beginning to fill the little shop.