Page 98 of The Summer That Changed Us

Ten minutes later they were standing facing each other in the kitchen. Robyn unbuttoned Finn’s shirt with shaking hands. For days she’d been wondering how to get Finn to open up to her and now she had the perfect opportunity. She was so anxious to get it right that her insides were fluttering, and her mouth was dry.

He shrugged off his shirt and dropped it in the sink. ‘Beer?’

She nodded.

He took two bottles from the fridge, flipped off the lids and handed one to her. Together they went into the tiny garden at the back of the house and sat beside each other on the bench.

Finn took her hand. ‘Just to make sure. What I said about dodging a bullet, that honestly didn’t upset you?’

‘No.’ She sipped her beer and allowed the cold liquid to run down her throat. ‘It worked out OK for us, didn’t it?’

Finn gave her a quizzical look. ‘All those operations you’ve had. Everything you’ve been through? I don’t think I can quite say it worked out.’

She turned to face him. ‘Those operations mean that I’ve decreased my chance of getting cancer. I’ve got a much healthier future now and I’ve got you. And that’s all I ever wanted.’

He took a long draught of his beer.

‘But you wanted a baby,’ Finn said, confused. ‘I remember the conversation vividly. We were in the bath and you asked me about starting a family.’

‘Yes, I remember it, too. I thought you wanted to start a family. You were worried about continuing the McGill tradition of fishing in Merle Bay if Callum’s kids didn’t want to take over the business. And then when I suggested it, you leapt on it.’

‘Because of you. It’s always been about you.’ He stroked her cheek. ‘I’d do literally anything to make you happy. Even have a baby.’

‘Same here.’

He held his bottle out and she chinked hers against it and they both laughed softly.

‘When I came home that day and you’d had your test results, my heart broke for you,’ he said, his voice husky with emotion. ‘I knew how scared you were, worrying that cancer would do to you what it had done to your mum. My biggest fear was that you’d stick two fingers up to the risk of cancer and carry on just as before. I kept thinking that if we had a child and then you developed cancer because of the delay that I might resent the baby. But it wasn’t my call, I had to let you make your own mind up. It was you who had the most at stake. But then you surprised me again: you opted for surgery even though that put an end to the baby plans.’

She set her bottle down on the ground. ‘I knew I had to go ahead. For my mum and for my gran. I felt I owed it to them for having a choice when they weren’t given one. But I felt like such a coward for putting my own health over giving you a family.’

‘No one could ever accuse you of being cowardly,’ said Finn. He slid an arm around her, pulling her close. ‘You are the bravest human I know. You’ve never shied away from risk.’

She leaned into him, feeling his body against hers and relishing the closeness. ‘I felt like I’d stolen your chance to be a father. I’ve been wracked with guilt ever since.’

‘Oh Robyn, love,’ he said sadly. ‘Me too. But my guilt was because I was glad we weren’t going to be parents when I thought that you wanted us to be.’

‘I wish I’d never brought up the subject of kids in the first place,’ she mused. ‘It ruined a perfectly lovely bath, I seem to remember.’

‘I’m glad you did.’ He leaned in for a kiss. His lips were cold and tasted of beer and a shiver of longing went through her. ‘If we’d never had that conversation, you might not have taken the BRCA test. Now at least we know you’ve done everything possible to protect yourself.’

She shook her head, remembering the details of that time of their lives. ‘All the baby names we thought of, the Christmas traditions we said we were going to make, and you reading ovulation charts! I thought you were really into it!’

His gaze softened. ‘It was all for you. I’m making myself sound really soppy but making you happy is my job.’

‘Thank you for sticking by me, through everything, particularly the reconstruction,’ she said. ‘Some of the women I met in the support group haven’t been so lucky.’

‘Why wouldn’t I stick by you?’ He looked baffled. ‘I love you, Robyn. Your body is incredible. You’re incredible.’

She felt her heart rate gather pace.

‘If you think that, why don’t you want to touch me anymore? I know my body has changed but I’m still the same person on the inside. Sometimes it feels as if you treat me like an elderly aunt.’

Her stomach dropped as he pulled away from her and leaned forwards, swinging his empty bottle. The seconds ticked by and he remained silent. She sensed he was struggling to find the right words.

‘Finn, do you still want me?’ she asked, unable to keep the tremor of fear from her voice.

He nodded.