Page 66 of The Summer That Changed Us

‘Welcome, everyone, to our monthly Previvors group! I hope you’ve had chance to get tea, coffee and one of my shortbread biscuits? Before we get going … ’ Sadie began, hopping from foot to foot, hands swooping and circling as she spoke, reminding Robyn of a bird. Not a seagull, Sadie wasn’t nearly as cocky as a gull; she was a little tern, timid and dainty.

Sadie reminded people to turn their mobile phones to silent and then proceeded to point out the exit doors and told everyone where to assemble in the event of a fire alarm.

There were twenty women, Robyn noted, glancing round. Quite a few young ones, with glossy hair, smooth faces and flat stomachs. So early in life to have been thrown such a curveball. Others were her age and upwards, and even a mum and daughter pair, if the identical smile they each had was anything to go by.

She had worn her mum’s necklace today for comfort: a little silver kingfisher on a fine chain. Her fingers crept up to it and she held it tight, wishing she and her mum had had the chance to still be here, surviving together. She couldn’t change the past, Robyn thought determinedly, but she could make the most of her future. Medicine had moved on in the two decades since her mum had died. Robyn had been given choices; she’d chosen life and now it was up to her to grab every bit of it. All the women here had made the same choices. She was part of something and for the first time since she’d started this journey, she felt proud of herself; what she had put her body through over the last two years had been traumatic, but she’d pulled through. It was time to rewrite her inner dialogue: she was brave, all these women were. She sat up straighter, smiled at Tess and bit into her shortbread finger. Delicious.

‘I’m delighted to welcome Pam from the Belief Foundation who’s going to talk to us about self-care.’ Sadie started off the applause and everyone joined in while the woman next to her raised her hand in a wave and flashed her white teeth as she smiled.

‘OK,’ said Pam, slapping her hands on her thighs. ‘How many people here have felt guilt since their BRCA test results? Raise your hand.’

Robyn’s gut twisted. She looked around the circle as slowly every single person raised their hand like little surrender flags. Slowly she put up her hand to join them. The women’s eyes slid sideways, and they smiled at each other, recognising one another’s discomfort.

‘Thank you, ladies,’ Pam said softly, nodding. ‘You don’t need me to tell you how common that is, I think you’ve seen it for yourselves, am I right?’

Soft laughter tinged with sadness echoed around the circle. Beside her, Tess sniffed back tears.

‘Guilt that you’re a previvor, when maybe a friend or family member might not have survived. Guilt that you’ve been less available for your family while you’ve been recovering. Guilt that you haven’t been able to contribute to the household bills. Guilt that you may have passed your faulty genes on to your kids. Guilt that you aren’t living the amazing purpose-filled life that you feel you should.’ Pam fell silent. Sadie got up and passed tissues along to those who needed one.

Pam held Robyn’s gaze. Robyn squirmed in her seat, sure Pam could see what was written in her heart. Her own guilt was multi-faceted; Finn had been denied the baby he wanted because of her; she’d put her own life before the chance to have a baby and she felt relieved that the opportunity to be a mother had been taken out of her hands and then she felt guilty about all the women who’d give their right arm to have a baby and couldn’t. Robyn squeezed her eyes tight shut for a second and when she opened them Pam was looking elsewhere.

‘You are not alone,’ said Pam. ‘It’s a perfectly normal reaction to what you’ve been through, and more than that, it shows that you have compassion. So, let’s break out into smaller groups and share what makes us feel guilty with each other.’

Robyn’s heart sank. Now it would be impossible to hide. There was a bit of muted chatting while people started to shuffle chairs around.

Tess looked at Robyn and jerked her head towards the table where the coffee was still out. ‘Fancy another brew and a group of two?’ she hissed.

‘Yes,’ Robyn sighed with relief.

‘I feel a bit guilty bunking off work to come here.’ There was an inch of cold coffee in Tess’s cup, so she put it on the end of the table and picked up a fresh one. ‘My boss has been great but we’re overstretched. It does me good though, talking about it. It’s been three years since I found I had dodgy genes and I get the impression my colleagues have had enough of me talking about it.’

Robyn helped herself to more coffee. ‘You find it easy to talk about it?’

‘Try shutting me up,’ Tess replied. ‘I’m practically evangelical about it. If my constant jabber makes even one person who suspects they might be at risk get tested for the BRCA gene, it’ll be worth it. Besides, Sadie is a great baker.’ She picked up another shortbread finger and bit into it. ‘Bliss. What brings you here?’

‘To be honest, my marriage is going through a rough patch,’ Robyn admitted. ‘I was hoping I might get some tips from people who’ve had the same problems.’

‘I’m probably not the best person to ask,’ Tess gave her a resigned smile. ‘My partner headed for the hills as soon as I tested positive. Said he didn’t have the bedside manner for it. It was pretty shit. It made me think he only loved me for my boobs. I suppose I should be grateful he was honest and left straight away instead of pretending he was fine about it and playing away behind my back.’

Tess looked at the wedding ring on Robyn’s finger. ‘At least your fella stuck by you.’

‘Yeah.’ Robyn twisted the ring round and nodded. ‘He’s been really great. Looked after me so well. He tells me I’m gorgeous, he cooks nutritious meals for me, encourages me to spend time with my friends. Treats me like a china doll.’

‘Yeah, he sounds dreadful, dump him immediately and give me his number.’ Tess cackled wickedly and reached for another piece of shortbread, but she noticed the stricken look on Robyn’s face and her hand stopped mid-air and she touched her arm. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t joke. What do you think is the source of the rough patch?’

‘When this first all happened, it felt like we were a team. I was scared to death, but he kept me cheerful. He was so tender and loving towards me. We even gave my boobs a little send-off celebration, just him and me and an early night.’ Robyn’s voice wavered; back then she hadn’t appreciated how special their closeness made her feel. She missed him pulling her close in the night and making love to her while they were both half asleep. ‘He’s still incredibly kind, but he doesn’t fancy me anymore and there’s nothing I can do about it.’

‘I find that hard to believe,’ Tess wrinkled her brow. ‘You are super cute!’

Robyn grinned and told her about the humiliating new bra incident.

Tess nodded wisely. ‘I don’t know about you, but it took me a long time to adjust to my new shape. Perhaps he’s still adjusting. My advice is to give him time. Your body has changed but you’re still the same person.’

‘But I’m not,’ Robyn insisted. ‘The old me had agreed to start a family with him, I can’t do that anymore. I love him to bits, but I think I’m losing him.’

‘Oh, bless you.’ Tess’s face crumpled with sadness and she laid a hand on Robyn’s arm. ‘That’s rough.’

Robyn took a deep breath, preparing herself to admit that she’d never wanted children in the first place when Tess started speaking again.