Page 62 of The Merry Christmas Project

Fred dipped his chin to his chest and nodded. ‘The long and short of it is that I felt guilty still being alive when your mum wasn’t. It felt wrong sleeping in our bed, with that lovely quilt she made over me, enjoying the garden she’d planted, digging out pies she’d put in the freezer. It didn’t seem fair. That’s why I had to move house.’

Fred paused to swipe at the tears which had appeared in his eyes.

‘I wish you’d told us how you felt at the time.’ Cole shook his head sadly. ‘We would have listened.’

Fred shrugged. ‘I couldn’t. I didn’t want to talk about it ; besides, I knew you’d try and talk me out of selling the house. And at the time I was so sure it was the right thing to do.’

Cole felt awful ; he remembered how cut up he’d been himself after his mum died, how he’d wanted to spend time in the family home, surrounded by her things, her scent, her stamp on every room in the house – a lifetime of his memories. He’d already lost the home he’d shared with Lydia and the children, losing this one too had been a terrible blow. When Fred had announced he was selling the house, Cole had thought him heartless ; now he realised he was anything but.

‘Mum wouldn’t have wanted you to feel guilty,’ said Hester softly.

‘I would have thought it would have given her comfort, to know you were in the home you both made together,’ agreed Cole.

‘I’ve realised that now,’ Fred said resignedly. ‘At the time I felt as if I should stop everything. I tried to turn my back on my old life, not just the house, but all the things I used to do : the DIY, the gardening, the walking. I didn’t just stop being active, I stopped living. I’ve lost a lot more than muscle tone, I’ve lost all the things I loved the most. Except you two of course, I’ve still got you, and the grandchildren.’

That reminded him, Harley had sent Cole a photo of him on his snowboard yesterday, dazzling snow, bright blue endless sky and Harley’s obvious happiness ; it had lifted and broken his heart in equal measure. His boy was loving life, but it was a life without him. He took his phone out and showed them both.

‘Wow, look at my handsome nephew,’ Hester gasped, pressing a hand to her chest.

There was a recent one of Freya too in her school uniform. How he missed kissing her soft cheek at night and tucking her in.

After everyone had finished looking at the pictures, Cole spoke again. ‘Dad, I don’t think you’ve really left your old life. You’ve moved house, admittedly, but looking on the bright side, you’ve got that out of the way. Most people downsize sooner or later and those who don’t usually regret it. Eventually that house would have been too much and the thought of moving would have been overwhelming.’

Fred nodded thoughtfully. ‘Good way of looking at it.’

Hester leaned forward and kissed her dad’s cheek. ‘You’re still in there, Dad, you haven’t changed. Mum wouldn’t want you to be a different person just because she’s not around anymore.’

‘That’s the conclusion I’ve come to,’ Fred agreed. ‘So I’m letting the real Fred Robinson back in. Since I’ve been here I’ve held back from getting involved with things. Again, because I felt guilty doing something that your mum couldn’t join in with. But I’m going to start getting out again, and joining in more.’

‘That’s great,’ said Cole, with a grin. ‘I hope the Rosebridge residents know what they’re in for.’

‘Well for starters, my friend, Astrid,’ he said, smoothing his thick white hair and looking a little flushed, ‘has suggested that we at Rosebridge put our names down for a tree as part of that Christmas Eve event. We’re brainstorming a theme tomorrow in the lounge. I’ve already got an idea for it.’

‘I’m feeling out of the loop here,’ said Hester. ‘I’m the only one who hasn’t met this Astrid.’

‘She’s German and lives on the floor above me,’ Fred chuckled. ‘Always at the centre of things, quite … I won’t say bossy, but definitely knows her own mind. Oh, and as you’ve tasted, she makes a pretty decent mince pie. Not as good as your mother’s,’ he added hastily. ‘But different, which isn’t a bad thing, is it ?’

‘No, Dad,’ Cole smiled.

‘Age ? Appearance? Come on, I need details,’ Hester demanded.

Fred gave a dramatic sigh, pretending to be reluctant to talk about her, but anyone could see that there was a new lightness to his eyes.

‘She used to be an art teacher and you can tell, she looks like an exotic bird, wears colourful clothing, a touch bohemian. Most of the time …’ He frowned and then shook away whatever he was thinking. ‘I’ve been spending quite a bit of time with her lately. Just as friends, all above board.’

‘She sounds great, Dad,’ said Cole, his heart clenching for his dad and understanding how it felt to yearn for company. ‘I’m pleased you’ve made a friend.’

‘I’ve been lonely. I am lonely,’ Fred admitted.

‘And now you’ve got Astrid,’ Hester sighed, clasping her hands together.

Fred cleared his throat. ‘I thought I might ask her out to dinner, would that be all right with you both ?’

‘Oh Dad.’ Hester dabbed her eyes. ‘We love you. You don’t need our permission.’

‘You don’t mind ?’ His shoulders sagged with relief.

‘No.’ He and Hester spoke at the same time.