Page 4 of The Merry Christmas Project

‘OK,’ I said meekly.

But my mind wouldn’t drop it, because an idea had just occurred to me. A spontaneous idea, the sort I specialised in. What if he was married by Christmas ? To me. I couldn’t imagine anything more romantic than a wedding in December. For as long as I could remember, all I’d wanted was for a proper family Christmas and if we were Mr and Mrs, well that would just be the icing on the Christmas cake.

If I proposed to him right now, it could actually happen. All it took was a question. Just one simple question. I felt the prickle of heat all over my body as the idea took shape and my insides began to tingle with adrenaline. Could I do it ? This was the perfect setting, the perfect occasion and we loved each other. Admittedly it was a bit spur of the moment, but ever since we met, I’d been practising my married signature, just in case. And it would be so exciting and romantic !

You don’t need to wait to be asked. Those had been Daniel’s exact words just a few minutes ago. I hoped he meant it. Right. I blew out a sharp breath. I was going to do it.

‘Daniel ?’ My pulse speeded up as I reached for his hand and dropped onto one knee.

‘Yes, Merry.’ He looked bemused. ‘What are you up to now ?’

‘I love you with all my heart and I want to be with you for the rest of my life.’ I swallowed, aware that my mouth was suddenly dry. ‘So, will you marry me ?’

The air around us was so still, the moment so heavy with tension that for a few seconds I forgot to breathe. I watched his eyes dart left and right as a succession of emotions crossed his face.

He gave a hollow laugh. ‘It’s not February twenty-ninth, is it ?’

‘No,’ I said lightly, ‘but you don’t really believe that women only have one day in four years to propose and men get – whatever it is, do you ?’

‘One thousand two hundred and sixty-five,’ Daniel supplied quietly. He was brilliant at mental arithmetic. ‘And you’re right. It isn’t very fair.’

We held eye contact and I could read his thoughts as clearly as if they were tattooed across his forehead. The fact was that all those possible days had gone by when he could have asked me to marry him. But he hadn’t.

The seconds ticked away and it was clear I’d said the wrong thing. As the size of my mistake grew bigger, my heartbeat grew faster. If I could have taken back my proposal I would have, but now it was out there like a big, embarrassed elephant flapping its ears in the breeze between us.

‘Merry,’ he murmured, reaching a hand to my cheek. ‘I’m really flattered. Honoured to be asked.’

‘Good, because I don’t plan on ever doing it again ; it’s nerve-wracking,’ I said shakily, ready to brush the whole fiasco under the carpet and rewrite it as a joke.

‘Now you know how I felt under that mistletoe,’ he said, attempting a joke of his own.

I gritted my teeth, wishing he hadn’t brought her up again. ‘Except you were a boy asking a girl for a sneaky kiss ; I’m your girlfriend asking you to be my husband. It’s not in the same league of commitment.’

‘I suppose not,’ he mumbled, looking down at his feet.

‘So ?’ I attempted a casual smile. ‘What do you say?’

‘Look, Merry, I do really love you, but …’ He drew in a breath and rubbed his hand through his hair distractedly. ‘I’m sorry, I just don’t want to be tied down at the moment. Not through marriage, or babies or even a kitten. In fact, now that you’ve brought it up, I’m fairly sure I never will. I really am sorry.’

‘Oh.’ My eyes burned with mortification. This was … earth shattering. Why had we never talked about this before ? He didn’t want anything that I wanted. Nothing. ‘I had no idea that was how you felt.’

He looked uncomfortable. ‘I suppose it’s never come up.’

I looked at the stony ground through eyes blurry with tears. ‘But I’ve mentioned kids before, I’m sure I have.’ Although, now that I thought about it, he’d always changed the subject.

He reached for me, but I moved back quickly.

‘What’s wrong with me ?’ I said this out loud but it was as much to myself as to him. Regret started to seep into my bones. We’d been having such a nice day ; trust me to do something impulsive and ruin it.

‘Nothing. Nothing at all !’ he insisted. ‘You’re amazing. This is all on me.’

I shook my head ; there was no way I could accept that. A familiar feeling of rejection gnawed away inside me ; I’d thought Daniel was the one I would be building a future with, putting down roots, making a home, a family …

I stood up, not sure what to do with myself. He got up too and took hold of my shoulders. ‘I do love you though; you do believe me, don’t you ?’

I nodded, aware of the tickling sensation of fresh tears on my cheeks. I’d never doubted that he loved me. I thought we were meant for each other, that we wanted the same things. Until today.

‘Good.’ He kissed my forehead. ‘This doesn’t have to change anything.’