Page 23 of My Kind of Happy

She rolled her eyes. ‘Ugh. Or my personal favourite, which made me want to stab them in the eye. “She did what she came here to do, it was her time to go.” If that was true, I wanted to yell in their faces, Mum would never have booked a holiday which she never got to go on, so put that in your patronising pipe and smoke it.’

Until Freddie died, I’d only lost Granny. I’d cried at the time, but I’d got over it fairly quickly. I think I’d been just as upset when her cottage in Wales had been sold to pay for her care home. I was a teenager then and although I loved her, selfishly my world revolved around me and my friends; dying was what old people did. But brothers weren’t supposed to die and neither were women Laura’s mum’s age.

‘Was I a terrible friend when your mum died?’ I asked.

She blinked at me, surprised. ‘Not at all. You listened without butting in. That was all I really needed: someone to listen to my ranting and raving. You were a great friend. Still are.’

She squeezed my hand and we were quiet for a moment, lost in our own thoughts.

‘Ditto,’ I said. ‘Although in my case, I didn’t want to talk at all. Which isn’t like me.’

She grinned. ‘True. But no one knows how they’ll react until it happens. That’s why “I know how you feel” is so bloody annoying. No one can possibly know how you feel. And you’ll talk about it when you’re ready.’

She held my gaze for a moment, giving me the chance to speak if I wanted to and then stirred the remains of her latte slowly, staring into the milky foam.

‘I’ve resisted talking about my feelings because I didn’t want them to be real,’ I admitted, feeling under the table for the reassuring solidity of Scamp’s body.

Laura stayed perfectly still, but gave me an encouraging smile. I swallowed. Already my throat was tightening, making it hard to form my words. But if I could manage to talk to my new friends at the floristry school, the least I could do is open up to my oldest friend.

‘Freddie has just always been there,’ I began. ‘My earliest memory is of him stealing the ice cream off the top of my cone. I must have only been about two. Greedy sod.’

Laura laughed. ‘Sounds about right for big brother behaviour.’

‘It didn’t matter where I was, he was always with me. When my dad left us, Freddie was the one thing that remained constant. Mum’s attitude to life changed overnight, not that that was a bad thing, but it took some getting used to. Dad we rarely saw even before he moved away. But whether I was at home or at Granny’s, Freddie was always with me, shaping the memories of my life. Even my first house purchase was done with him.’

‘I always envied the relationship you had with him.’ She tore off a piece of her bun and ate it. ‘You were lucky to have a sibling. Being an only child isn’t half as much fun.’

‘None of the new memories I make will have him in them,’ I said. ‘And I don’t want that to be true. I haven’t wanted to move on because I’m worried about leaving him behind.’

Laura frowned. ‘You know, I think he’d be really sad about that.’

‘I know. I can’t stay in denial forever, I accept that. I need to find a way to live without him, to live alone and still be happy.’

‘Without him, yes,’ she said, briskly, ‘but not alone, there’s no need to banish other people completely.’

‘I never want to miss anyone this much again,’ I said. ‘It seems the best way to do that is not to let anyone in.’

‘Just keep your mind open,’ she said. ‘You won’t always feel this way, I promise.’

‘What if I fall in love and lose them? Look how badly I’ve coped with losing a sibling. I don’t want to go through this again ever.’

‘I’ll always miss Mum but I try not to dwell on all the things she hasn’t been part of; instead I remember the times that she was there. And I do believe I carry a piece of her in my heart always.’

‘Same with me and Freddie. And now that I have that letter from him, I feel even closer to him than before.’ I gave myself a shake and forced a laugh. ‘How did we get so maudlin all of a sudden? Let’s change the subject.’

‘OK.’ Laura cast about for a second and then slapped the table. ‘Let’s talk about your happy list. Number one on the list is flowers. What’s your number two going to be?’

‘Not sure,’ I said with a frown. ‘Freddie’s big thing was travel, different cultures, different scenery. But I’m quite fond of England. I like cottages and cream teas and now I’ve got a dog, I quite like country walks. I know, I know, I’m boring!’

‘You’re you,’ said Laura loyally. ‘Nothing wrong with this green and pleasant land.’

She picked up a discarded newspaper from the table next to us and pointed at one of the headlines. ‘You can travel and stay at home. Look at this article in the Derbyshire Bugle: ten villages which the locals don’t want you to know about. There you go. You’ve got a whole year at your disposal, you could travel around, discover undiscovered England, stay in cottages and eat your way through cream teas.’

I took it from her and turned to the article mentioned on the page.

‘This isn’t a bad idea, actually,’ I said. ‘I could go away for a few days, find a cottage to rent. I haven’t got any plans for next week and Scamp would love it.’

I was in the fortunate position of not needing very much money to live on. Freddie and I had taken out an insurance policy when we bought the house so that if either one of us became seriously ill or died, the mortgage would be paid off. So now I owned the house in full and that, coupled with a conservative attitude to savings since childhood, meant that I could get by for a while without the need to earn a wage.