Page 26 of The Enforcers: KANE

She nodded, not sure where he was going with this.

“Well, they were kind of…fantasies,” he said. “I mean, the people in them were real, and the things that happened were real.” He frowned. “Mostly,” he amended. “But they didn’t all happen to me. Especially not the good things.”

He didn’t look at her; he kept his eyes straight ahead, looking off into the distance. She could see this was a big thing to him—and hard for him to admit to.

She tentatively reached over and put her hand on his arm. “You can tell me,” she said softly. “It’s just us—Raven and Hunter.”

The corner of his mouth lifted a fraction, but he still didn’t look at her.

“The truth was, I never fit in with the others, even before the pack was broken up. Jace and Rafe and Jesse were this tight little brotherhood, and I was always on the outside. I didn’t know how to relate to them. So I picked fights.”

Rachelle stroked his arm gently. The muscles were rigid. “All predator cubs fight,” she said. “It’s how they establish dominance.”

“Yeah,” Kane said. “Except, I mostly wanted to be friends with Jace, and I resented that he liked the others better than me.”

He tried for a grin, but it came out more of a grimace. “So I kept trying to beat them in fights, so he’d like me best.” He snorted. “Pretty pathetic.”

Her heart went out to him. She’d known that boy when he was not much older than the kid he was describing. He’d been strong and brave, but still so desperate to find someone to belong to. To be wanted and needed. Fighting was the only way he’d known to do that.

Suddenly she understood him much better than she ever had. But why was he telling her this? Why did it matter now?

“I can understand that,” she said. “You shouldn’t be ashamed. You were just a kid.”

“Yeah,” he said. “And maybe I would have grown out of it, if I had the chance. But when I was left on my own, with no one, the only thing that kept me going was that fantasy of the perfect pack. I convinced myself that’s how it was going to be if I ever found them.”

He gave a short, hard laugh. “Maybe I let myself have all those fantasies because I didn’t think I ever would find them.”

She kept stroking his arm, aching with the pain she felt inside him. He was capable of so much love, and he’d always been so alone. “But you did find them,” she said.

“Yeah,” he said. “Except I was even more of a mess than I was before. The things I did to survive, the things I did because of Selina—”

She held her breath, thinking he was going to elaborate, but he broke off the sentence.

“When they finally did find me, it was just like before, only worse,” he said in a low voice. “The three of them were never separated. They were tighter than ever. There was no way I could break into that. And I—”

He shook his head. “I was in such a dark place, and they didn’t get it. The only one who really got me was Israel.”

She smiled. “So you have a brother too,” she said. “That’s good, right?”

“Yeah,” he said. “And the rest of them respect me, as their Enforcer.” His voice got quiet. “But they don’t like me. I can’t seem to join in the stupid things they do, or joke around, or even talk to them half the time. I feel like I always have to watch myself, or I’ll lose control of Wolf. Turn into the bully I used to be. Or the guy Selina made me into.” He sighed. “If they find out what I’m really like, they won’t even respect me anymore.”

Rachelle wanted to cry. Kane was trying so hard, had been alone so long, and even now that he was back with his pack, he still felt alone. She wanted to claw Selina’s eyes out for what she’d done to him.

“Kane,” she said, “those things you did weren’t all your fault. You know how Selina is—was.” She’d almost given herself away. “She could make a snake tie itself up in knots for her.”

Kane shook his head. “That’s no excuse,” he said. “I should have been stronger. I should have never let her play me like that.”

He hadn’t had a choice, not against Selina’s powers. But she couldn’t tell him that without explaining how she knew—and it wasn’t time for that. Even if she trusted Kane, there were other people involved. She’d taken an oath to keep Carmichael’s secrets, and that’s something she couldn’t violate. Not yet.

Instead, she leaned into him until her shoulder touched his.

“But you did the right thing, in the end,” she said. “You got away from Selina, and you got Israel away too. And you’re still doing the right thing. Protecting your pack.”

He shrugged, and started the engine again. She could see his walls come up.

“Anyway,” he said, “I don’t lie anymore, and I don’t make stuff up. So I didn’t want you to go in there thinking you were going to see me in the midst of my adoring pack, or some shit like that. It’s not like I told you it was. I figured it was better to tell you that up front.”

His honesty blew her away. It didn’t matter to him if he totally embarrassed himself, as long as he was honest and upfront with her. He didn’t realize what an amazing thing that was.