Page 93 of Her Last Breath

‘I’ll be joining you soon, my darling. Make sure heaven is ready for me.’

Jane felt tears creeping down her own cheeks. She didn’t believe in heaven and her mother knew in her version of heaven, Ed might not be allowed in.

‘He will be waiting for you, Mum, don’t worry.’

She said it with conviction, because Ed couldn’t be blamed for what he did. Not after what he went through.

‘I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I failed you. Will you forgive me?’

At first, Jane thought Maeve was talking to Ed. Then she saw her mother’s face was upturned towards her, eyes brimming with tears. Jane wiped them away with her sleeve, smiling through her own tears.

‘Please, Jane. For the sake of this boy that we both loved so much, will you give me this peace?’

Jane looked hard at Ed’s name: Edward John Hacker. Born 14th November 1979. Died 20th July 1992. In Him we trust.

She felt him willing her to let go of the pain. Release them from all the hurt and suffering that Melody and Phil had caused. There wouldn’t be many more chances for Jane to take that step, she knew.

‘We all suffered, Mum. There’s nothing to forgive. But, yes, if it makes you feel better, I do forgive you.’

Maeve silently sobbed as Jane bent down to hug her shaking body, resting her chin on her head, staring at where her beloved brother lay. She felt a sense of peace, for the first time that she could remember.

Chapter 64

Jane was waiting for the doctor, sitting beside her mother’s bed. Maeve had taken a turn for the worst on their way back, as though the exertion and emotion of the trip had drained her of energy. Her breathing was shallow and her heart rate was dropping rapidly.

‘Are you in any pain?’ Jane asked.

‘No, the tablets are working.’ She smiled weakly. ‘Sit by me.’

Jane moved, so she was sitting on her mother’s bed now, cradling her head against her and holding her hand.

‘Did you call Father Walsh?’

‘Yes. I left him a voicemail and messaged him.’

‘Doddery old fool’s probably asleep after too many secret whiskeys. Like we couldn’t tell.’

Poor Father Walsh and his badly hidden penchant for a tipple.

‘It’s OK, though. I think I’ve got what I need in terms of absolution.’

‘Mum …’

‘Did I make your life very hard?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, you’re a real Cagney & Lacey, so maybe it did you some good.’

‘In a way, I think it made me who I am.’

‘I’m very proud of you. You don’t know that, but I am.’

Jane kissed her mother’s forehead, the skin cold under her lips. She pulled the blankets more tightly around her.

‘It wasn’t easy for me either. I want you to know that. I wasn’t living the life of Riley up here. It was very lonely. My own doing, I know, but still …’

Jane knew how her mother had cut herself off from the community that she had grown up with. At first, she was paranoid, thinking the religious lot would judge her, point fingers. Then she had withdrawn even more after Jane’s father left. Maeve Hacker was the subject of gossip for years in their small, tight-knitted community. Only Father Walsh’s intervention had brought her back into the life she had led, but only at half-mast. No one had come to see her mother in all the time Jane was coming back up at weekends. None of the women whose opinions she had cared about so much in life had bothered. Stupid cows. They were happy to slate her mother and spread rumours about their family, but when it got ugly, no one could be bothered. They would all turn up to the funeral though, putting on a show of grief and stuffing their faces with the free booze and finger food at the wake.