Page 36 of Five Things I See in You

I regret it the moment I say it.

“Right. Sorry. Of course you couldn’t.”

My next pass is too weak, and he has to step forward to reach it.

“I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad,” he says.

“Well, I feel awful anyway.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Noa.”

We stop playing for a moment. He rolls the ball slowly between his feet, and I rub my hands together because they’re freezing.

I’ve always known my father hurt him. More than he hurt me, that’s for sure. What I don’t know is how much. We used to talk about his comments the way people talk about bad weather: we’d complain, then change the subject before it got too serious.

“Does he still tell you you’re a disappointment?” I ask.

Callum gives a small, humorless laugh.

“He finds other ways to say it now. That after everything he’s done for me, I should have gone much further. That he doesn’t know where he went wrong with me. Same thing, really. But yeah. As far as he’s concerned, I’ve been a huge disappointment.”

“He went wrong in how he treated us. Are the notebooks still at Mum’s house in Kent?”

Callum nods and taps the ball back to me.

“Still there. Sometimes I think I should burn them. Mine, at least. You might want to read yours someday.”

“No. I’m not going to read them. But don’t burn them.”

I don’t know why it’s so hard to let go of something I don’t even want to read.

“I’m glad you told Dad what you needed at that lunch,” he murmurs, picking up the ball and nodding toward the apartment building.

“My knees were shaking,” I admit.

“Yeah. Mine would have been too. Maybe one day I’ll manage to tell him myself,” he says quietly as we walk toward the building.

Chapter 23

Noa

In the morning, Jordan is in the kitchen with her phone in her hand and her coffee almost untouched. She’s wearing a jacket she doesn’t usually wear to work, and she’s taken more care than usual putting her hair up.

“I have a meeting,” she says, slipping her phone into her bag.

“Today?”

“Yes. Just a quick formality. Nothing important. I’ll be there in time for the game, don’t worry.”

She says it while looking into her bag, as if she’s searching for something.

“How did things go with Callum? I was asleep when you got home last night,” she asks.

“Good. I think coming here has been good for him. For me too. We even talked about my dad. Are you nervous about something?” I ask, noticing she can’t keep still.

“No. I’m running a little late. Maybe I’m nervous about your game,” she adds with a wink.

I go over to say goodbye, and she cups my face in both hands before kissing me. For a moment, she stays there, looking at me.