Page 17 of Five Things I See in You

I look away because deep down I don’t have any explanation for the second question. I don’t know why I didn’t tell her; I guess to avoid explaining what I’ll have to explain now.

“I quit three weeks ago.”

“And I find out like this, in the middle of dinner, and only because I asked about Iris?”

I don’t answer. I bite my lower lip, which is an answer in itself.

“Why, Jordan?”

“It’s a long story.”

Actually, it isn’t. It all fits in a single sentence, the same one I gave Tessa: I can’t run a mental health program while I have feelings for a player, even though nothing happened. I tell her just like that, exactly like that, no names.

“And are you okay?” she asks, lowering her voice and leaning forward.

“Reasonably okay, I guess,” I say.

The waiter leaves the check between the two of us, inside a little black folder. I grab it, stick my card in without looking at the total, and hand it back before my sister has time to reach her purse.

“You’re doing it again, you know that, right?”

“Doing what?”

“Making yourself pay a huge price as punishment. And I don’t mean for this dinner.”

The restaurant slowly empties around us. Only two tables are still occupied, each with a candle nearly burned down, and the waiter has stopped pretending he’s not in a hurry.

Over dessert, Beth brings it up again.

“Do you remember that recital at school? I think I was in sixth grade.”

I know exactly which school recital she means because there was only one that mattered.

“Mom was in a bad way that week,” Beth murmurs.

“Yeah, well, Mom was in a bad way almost every week that year. Still, I told you I’d come see you, and I knew I was lying to you.”

“I knew you were lying to me,” my sister admits, “that Mom wouldn’t come see me, but I hoped you would. On stage I looked for you among the faces in the audience over and over until it was over.”

She’s holding the spoon with both hands, like she needs something to hold on to between her fingers.

“When I got home, dinner was ready,” she says. “I always thought you didn’t come that day because you didn’t care about my recital at all. Later I understood that you’d stayed home to make me a special dinner, because Mom had locked herself in her room. It’s just that maybe you could have explained something to me, and then I wouldn’t have had to figure it out on my own. That’s your problem. You take care of people, punish yourself for things that aren’t your responsibility, and never explain anything to anyone.”

I stay silent. Once again, I look away so I don’t have to look her in the eyes.

“Say something, please,” Beth asks.

“I guess you’re right,” I admit quietly. “But it’s complicated.”

“Then make it less complicated and be happy for once, please,” she says, squeezing my hand and giving me a smile.

Chapter 12

Noa

“You don’t need weekly sessions anymore,” Dr. Osei says with a smile. “From now on, we’ll meet every two weeks. I’m very proud of you,” she adds.

Her cup is in the same spot as last time, half full and probably cold by now. I don’t know if she’s a very particular person or if the coffee is just there for decoration.